Scars (Sequel to Cuts) - Kellic // boyxboy

Chapter Sixteen

Vic

"Are you seriously not coming to bed?" Kellin huffs frustrated.

The annoyance in his eyes fuels my guilt.

I shake my head and look down at my hands.

"I just think it's for the best if I just sleep on the couch again." I murmur.

He rolls his eyes at me and flails his arms in disbelief.

"Whatever. But I think you're being really immature." he mutters then storms away upstairs.

I pull my pillow to my chest and squeeze it, seeking some form of comfort.

I would love to sleep next to my husband but I can't lay awake beside him all night thinking about how I don't deserve to be there. It would be torture.

I think about how I didn't get a kiss goodnight, or even an "I love you", and I wonder it he just forgot in his anger or if he simply didn't want to.

The more time I spend thinking, the more I feel myself falling into my dark thoughts like quicksand. I'm sinking and losing myself the more I struggle against them and I wonder if I should just give in to them.

I remember when I was fifteen and was cutting myself every day, and did not go a minute without considering suicide. I don't want to feel like that again.

But there's been this darkness looming over me since I found out Kellin was raped and since my tio's death. And now this whole situation with Carter and the pain I've caused Kellin, I feel like this darkness is engulfing me. I'm not sure how long I can fight it. Maybe I even deserve it.

My phone suddenly starts ringing and for a moment I'm relieved. A distraction is exactly what I need right now.

I pick up my phone from the coffee table and am confused to see an unknown number. But that confusion is short-lived and replaced with dread as I recognise it as Carter's number.

The phone continues to ring as I wonder what I should do. If I answer, maybe he'll think it's okay to keep calling me. Maybe all I did by seeing him was invite him back into my life.

But what if he's calling to tell me he's turning himself in? What if it's something important?

It's on its fifth ring and about to go to voicemail when I finally make a decision and press the answer button.

I put the phone to my ear nervously and say "hello".

I get chills when it's not Carter who speaks.

"Hi, this is Vic, right?" a woman asks. I'm almost certain it's Kylie, Carter's girlfriend. I remember her voice.

But there's something wrong. She sounds distressed, like she's crying.

"Yeah. Kylie?" I ask to clarify.

"Yeah, you were at my house the other day." she replies.

I'm confused as to why Kylie is calling me, and why she's calling me from Carter's phone.

"Is everything okay?" I ask worried. Maybe Carter hurt her.

"Sorry to call so late." she sniffs.

She falls silent after that. I hear her whimpering a little. I stay quiet, giving her the time she needs to collect herself.

"Um," she begins then she clears her throat. "Carter passed away last night."

A chill rushes over me and my heart falls to my stomach. My mouth immediately becomes dry as I try to swallow the lump that has arisen in my throat.

"He's dead?" I choke out, feeling dizzy.

She lets out a small sob. "He killed himself. He was found this morning in a hotel room."

I feel myself begin trembling. This can't be real.

"Why?" I ask, although I think I already know the answer.

"I thought you could tell me. You were the last person he texted." she tells me.

I begin to feel nauseous. That message he sent me last night might have been the last thing he did before taking his own life.

I don't answer her and there's silence on the line for a good few minutes before she sniffs and clears her throat.

"Who is Kellin?" she asks softly.

"My husband." I whisper.

"In the text, Carter said he didn't have to worry. What doesn't he have to worry about? What's the connection between them?" she asks sounding frustrated.

The acid in my stomach feels as though it's boiling. This woman just lost her boyfriend and despite Carter doing horrible things, I don't want to taint his memory, for Kylie's sake.

"You don't want to know." I assert.

"I need to know." she urges, her voice becoming strained. "Please, I need to know why."

She chokes out another quiet sob.

"He didn't leave a note." she whispers.

I feel my heart strings tug, knowing that she needs some form of closure. But I can't do that to her. And it's not my place to say.

"Kylie, I just can't." I say softly.

"Can I speak to Kellin?" she asks abruptly.

"No," I answer immediately. The last thing I want to do is bother my husband and have some lady guilt him into bringing up his trauma.

"Well thanks for all your help." She spits sarcastically, with a sniff. "I don't know what you said to him the other day but it clearly upset him. This is your fault. You killed him. And you ruined my life so thank you for that." 

Then she hangs up.

I feel as though I'm about to throw up. I'm dizzy with confusion and heartache, and the unbearable sadness that I've been pushing down for months is quickly rising to the surface.

She's right. If I had never gone to see him, he would still be here and this woman wouldn't have to grieve. I've killed a person. He had family and friends whose lives are now destroyed because of my doing, because I couldn't just let go of the past.

I try to push the tears back but they tumble over my cheeks but the mere fact that I'm crying for my husband's rapist just sickens me even more.

I hold my pillow as I shake and cry, until eventually my body is too exhausted to keep me conscious and I pass out for the night.