Of Captive Hearts

Chapter 1

Jaime had begun spending more and more time by himself. In the beginning, after Winterfell, when he had returned to Kings Landing he had told himself that leaving had been the right thing to do. He forced himself to believe that. He had closed his heart and fought his brain to accept that it was better for all of them. His newfound sense of honor, understood that he had an obligation to Cersei. In his mind, dignity and honor now meant taking responsibility for the babe they created, and the new family they would build. Of course, that had been the consequences of his actions before he had realized how deeply he loved Brienne. It had only been a few months since the night of the most painful choice in his life, but it still burned him like it was yesterday.

It was that memory of his time with Brienne, and the knowledge of badly he had hurt her, that pained him the most. The unbarble ache in his heart overwhelmed him whenever she would cross his mind, which was nearly constant now. The image of her distraught face as she stood in the freezing courtyard at Winterfell and begged him not to go, haunted him. He saw her in his dreams. He saw her when he woke. They were parted, yet she was always with him. In the months that followed Jaime realized that what he had with Cersei was not love. Their bond was one created by biology before they were born, but then forged in life through obsession and mutual treachery. His sister had made it easy for him to succumb to the more baser aspects of his nature, and perhaps that's really all he was now. He had ruined every chance he had ever been given, and usually it had been for Cersei. No, it was better that he were out of Brienne's life, before he poisoned her with his evil.

It was the only peace he could find, knowing that his leaving had protected Brienne. He had tried to hurt her, wanted Brienne to hate him. It was the only way he could ensure her safety. He knew that if he had declared the truth, his undying love for her, that she would follow him. His heart stopped to think of what would have happened to her if she had. Cersei would have had Brienne slaughtered, and she would have made him watch. No. It was the last thing he could do for Brienne. He gave himself up to keep her safe. On those nights that sleep would not comfort him, and there were many, he would crawl from Cersei's bed and watch the bright stars in the sky. He tried to comfort himself, thinking that Brienne was at least under those same stars, but his mind would think of how they paled in comparison to her eyes and his heart would break all over.

Many time he wished that he had given into himself and turned around any of the hundreds of times he had wanted to on his way back to Kings Landing. On his journey, he had laid sleepless night after night on the cold ground, digging his nails into his hands forcing himself not to jump on his horse, spur the animal back to Winterfell, and grovel at Brienne's feet to take him back. Now Jaime wished that he could lay prostrate before her for eternity trying to win her back. He would sacrifice his left hand, if only he could have back the night he left. But he understood that was impossible. As long as Cersei was alive, and he was not by her side, Brienne would never safe. He had made his choice, and now he would have to live with it.

Sometimes he wished the outcome had been different. Upon his return to the city, he had easily killed Euron Greyjoy, found Cersei and managed to hide her out of harms reach, and then somehow lead the Lannister forces to victory over Daenarys Targaryen and her dragons. The Stark army retreated back to the north, and he stood by Cersei's side as she was restored to the throne. Even then, the pride on his face was a facade. All he could think of was Brienne, and how relieved he was that she had not been party to the fighting, and that she was safe at Winterfell.

Jaime then took his place, dutifully, at Cersei's side as she sat upon the Iron Throne. He told her whatever lie she needed to believe to keep Brienne safe, and resigned himself to the fact that the protection afforded by his absence would have to be the greatest act of love he could show to the woman he had left. Then after having been back in Kings Landing perhaps a month, came the day he realized even that it was not enough.