Fragments of Me

Chap 15 : Threat

Still no news of Joana. My mind was weighing done from recent events so I craved for her presence. I thought of calling her but there were rules. I hadn't talked to her for a while and trust me, my heart was aching. But I cannot be selfish in this matter. I just waited for school to start. Days on end seemed to pass away. This year was my final year in school and it was all my fault. I wanted to leave school in class eight and just finish courses in private classes. Colossal amount of begging led my parents to agree only to my demise. I had to complete class nine. No other options. The perks of having parents who are perfectionists is that, you cannot argue. And considering my age, it was more of like, prohibited. Teenage meant that everytime you tried to explain yourself, people take it otherwise. Especially parents. Our reasoning to them seems like us throwing knives at them through our mouths. Whenever I tried to explain something they would put me down by taking in consideration, my age. It is written somewhere that through age comes experience and knowledge. But can't that be earned through learning and studying human life everyday? The main problem is not of age but of pride. When you are a senior citizen you start looking down on your juniors as if they were just born yesterday. They deserve that because they make themselves look as if they have been through hell and what not just to reach that certain position. They judge quite easily. They don't care about the fact that somebody's age does not define their decision makings. You don't know what that person had seen or thought or experienced. But what's to say? They run it on us anyway. Defiance gets us nowhere so unwilling agreement is our last sanctuary. Atleast to stop the house from burning down. I had to agree to my parents because as per my past, an argument between lasted for three weeks before it cooled down. I didn't want that so I accepted sanctuary. I had anger issues from an age of seven. It led me to bloodied incidents and painful memories but yes, it calmed me down. It was actually my first reason why I had to go to my first psychiatry session. The psychiatrist like any other told me that anger gets us nowhere. Hell no. It gets a job done and yes it gives satisfaction. But it has a best friend known as remorse. Which leads us to think in the first place before doing something hotheaded-ly. After a visit to a psychiatrist number three on the list, it somewhat resolved, though aftereffects are common. I can't get angry at people that easily. It is just not in me. People hurt me, and that's fine but I cant hurt them immediately. I go home with a heavy mind and just try to forget. But I end up plotting death traps for the people involved. Its just fun. 100 ways to kill this person without getting caught. Back to the topic, I now had to study class nine. Let me tell you something, all this was before Joana came into existence. And trust me, now I regret my decision more than ever. But when you try to rectify your mistakes among the criticism, doubt is evident. My parents thought so too, so when I told them I want to go all the way, they went like,

Me : Mom and Dad, I want to finish school.

Dad : Why the sudden divine revelation?

Me : No, I just realized what a big loss it will be if I leave school.

Dad : Why the sudden change?

Mom : Maybe he is on to something.

Me : Why do always think negative?

Mom : Nothing is positive when it comes to taking sudden decisions.

Me : What are you guys thinking about?

Mom : You are definitely involved in something that is making you like this.

Me : Wow.

I stormed out of the room. My mood just got ruined. And as usual my anger came out. I went out of the house. I leave the house whenever these events take place. I walked to the spot which took me 20 mins to reach. There I found everyone. And they knew that something had gone wrong. I don't see my own expressions nor understand them so I rely on another person's perspective to judge. I smoked until my lungs could take no more. They started to burn. I continued. Lots of thoughts came into my mind. I just didn't have much time. My days were now numbered.