Fragments of Me

Chap 12 : Holding On

We continued to be. Just a bit closer than before. I took up a sit right beside her and she didn't seem to mind. We used to talk whenever we got free time. Yeah she is growing pretty confident. And these were the first time I came to know who Joana really is. She was exceptionally beautiful. Beautiful brown eyes, perfectly symmetrical lips, lightly curled brown hair ran down the side of her face that fluttered in the slowest of winds. She was perfect. She had a uprising curiousity towards beauty from nature. She looked through pieces of glass just to see a brighter sun. I remember her looking through a pen at the sun and me admiring her bright face. A month and a half had passed since she told me. I wanted to go on a relationship with her but I wanted to know about her thoughts on the fact. That day, the class had been empty. All the others left to do their usual stuff and we were left alone. I asked her about going on a relationship. I had my fingers crossed and she said yes. Well the saddest part about this is that I thought of the negatives ones like what was I supposed to say or do if she said no but did not think about what I might say if she said yes. I congratulated her as if she just achieved something. Dumbass. We joined private coaching because it turned out that the school was much more lazier than us when it came to education. We went to classes but I couldn't sit beside her because of her friends or the air of suspicion. Though we couldn't stop it, they eventually started the process. After a month or two she left coaching because her parents were not content with what was taught there. I didn't blame them because I myself felt it. One day at school she told me to pick up a book from the teacher at coaching and bring it for her tomorrow. That day I went to the sir to take not a book but a notebook from him. She writes. I went home and failed to keep myself away from reading that book. There was a part of the book that was closed with paper clips. To me, anything hidden seemed worth finding. I opened it up to find the events that took place from teasing to sitting beside each other. I reached a part of the text where she and Mike left each other. I was reading to find four promises. There included something that caused my heart to ache. A promise of not falling in love with me. I didn't want to relate and I didn't want to overthink but when we don't want something fate has a way of bringing it to us anyway. I turned off. That was the day I drank alcohol. Axxis's father was an alcoholic and a wine collector. He had a library in which half was filled with books and half with watery imagination. Axxis sometimes drank from them and he had extensive knowledge regarding them. I had taken a bottle from him that day. I knew I hadn't grown to the age of drinking but fuck it. I sipped and I felt specks of flames going down my throat. I coughed and bent down. I wanted to stop but a voice in my head said not to. I drank three quarters of it and found my senses dozing off. I came down from my roof and hid the bottle beneath my bed. With hazy eyes I scanned for any sign of my parents. They weren't there. I just simply went to sleep. I had nightmares from a young age that led to a number of visits to the psychiatrist. I hated to go to them. To me they were just emotional less people whose job was to listen to the distress of people. I had pity on them sometimes. I had a nightmare that day. I woke finding myself almost suffocating but I had no details of it. I guess for the better of it. The next day I went to deliver her notebook. She turned to look at me. From her eyes I could see that she had expected me to open up that hidden part of the book. Her actions said the same. If you open up a secret a person is trying to hide then they might become angry at you but she wasn't. I know she knew I had read it and maybe she knew I had stopped to look at the promises she made but I didn't want to let her know what it did to me. I wanted her to smile not become sad at my broken self. Exams neared and we grew a bit apart. Though not far. She wanted to focus on her grades and I respected that. Suddenly one day an idea came up that we would have to give a birthday treat to everyone. There were three of us whose birthdays fell on the same week of December. Me, Joana's and a girl from class were them. We decided to do it on the last day of the exam. It was Joana's birthday on that day. So was Mathematics exam. Now my relationship with maths had been a hated one. It couldn't tolerate me and vice versa. I wanted to buy a gift for Joana before we parted for the holidays and I wanted to give it during the treat. But then I got the news that she is not coming. I asked her why and she said her parents won't allow it. I was heartbroken but still I requested her. The last exam was nearing and I received a message to give an invitation to Mike. I thought for a bit. Is this why she declined? I asked him and he agreed. The event was set. On the day I entered to find quite a gravish environment. Nobody was happy that day because it was a maths exam. Except Joana. Joana was the mathematical genius of class so it was a bit expected but I thought they were gonna be load noises of everyone wishing her. I guess they had already done their part before I came. The exam kicked off. God it was depressing! I wanted it to end. At exactly the middle of the exam I leaned over to Joana's ear and wished her a happy birthday. She half turned her face and gave a smile. I already had butterflies in my stomach. But I was bit sad as I showed up empty handed. As they say a moment can never be perfected as that is it's beauty. I guess this was it. The exams ended and she went home. I dragged myself to the treat. Mike joined and it kicked off. We reached the restaurant and ordered food without thinking if we can even finish. We stuffed ourselves to rim and then suddenly one said that the cake had to be cut. We cursed ourselves and each other for this. It was a great memory. I noticed when one them spoke out Joana's name, Mike flinched sideways hearing her name. I was a bit taken back. Why hate instead of guilt? We all left with a belly full of junk and mouths brightened. In the car I got verbally raped. My and Joana's relationship was still a secret in class and we promised to keep it that way, so finding me alone they shot a round of rapid questions. I ignored them cause I was busy looking at Mike's expression. Bitch had a jealousy written all over his face but it included hate and it is fair to say, a slight of guilt. I went home to start a long vacation. Days went by and just so you know me and Joana grew closer through the virtual world sadly. We talked almost everyday and if we missed each felt the impact. Life was now a bliss. I went to coaching classes and kept home affairs tight.

But I underestimated fate. It never was gonna let life be a breeze for me. All was waiting for me was a storm. Joana was supposed to visit her grandparents in her village which meant no internet connection and no contact with me for four days. I was a bit sad but I still could call her. She called one day and when I phoned back my credit went out. I threw my phone on my bed and cursed myself for not being prepared. Raphael called the next day,

Raphael : Hey man where are you right now?

Me : At home bruv. Hey why the low voice?

Raphael : Nothings wrong. Can you come to the spot now?

Me : You know I can but what's the problem? You are giving me the chills man.

Raphael : I'll explain it to you. Just come.

Me : I won't untill you tell me. What the fuck is wrong!? Is it Trevor again?

Raphael : No it's nothing just....come.

Me : Why the fuck are sobbing? What's wrong!?

Raphael : It's Melanie. It's bad.

Me : What happened to her!?

Raphael : Melanie has.....

I was shot....