About Us

~ Loss ~

The cold autumn breeze whirled dead leaves. I was feeling rather cold and tried to pull the jacket closer to myself. But my attempt to keep myself a bit warmer failed when I noticed that I was lost. For a moment I was aimlessly wondering in the cemetery looking for the familiar gravestone. The cemetery was almost empty. There were just few quietly sniffling people around here and there. But on old poppy three caught my eye. Underneath that three was my grandma's gravestone. I thought that the grave would be covered by leaves and moss but I was wrong. Someone had swept the dead leaves away. To my surprise left a bouquet of white lilies. Lilies were dead yet so beautiful. The petals fell of making a rustling sound as I picked them up. I placed my own bouquet in front of the stone and kneeled down. "I'm sorry I haven't visited for so long. I just came back and now I have to leave again" And suddenly a great wave of sadness drowned me. I looked up to the sky trying to old my tears "I hope you're doing great in wherever you are" I had to take a break. I felt like crying again. "Granny. I miss you. I miss you so much" A small tear escaped from my eye and plopped down to my lap where I had placed the dead lilies. I looked to the stone again, gently brushing the letters craved to the stone. "I miss you" I repeated "But I'm glad that someone is looking after you while I'm gone" I said looking to the lilies in my lap whith a sad smile.

I was sitting in a bus on my way back to hotel. I had been so lost in my thoughts that I brought the dead lilies with me. I started to look the bouquet more closely until something caught my eye. It was three letters carved to the wrapping of the flowers j.w.i. I stared the lilies in disbelief until a realization hit me. Of course it was you. It always had been. You were always there for me and my grandma. When my grandma moved you were there to help. You were the one who took care of my grandma in hospital when I was sick. After that you visited her frequently with me or sometimes even without me. And of course you were there for me after she passed away.

I felt lost after my grandma passed away. My life was balanced between those days when I felt like everything was too overwhelming and to those day where I felt nothing. It was one of those days when I felt worthless. I felt like I didn't deserve to be here. And I hated myself. At first it was a small nagging voice in back of my head saying "You don't deserve to be here. You're worthless." I thought that it would go away like it always did. But it didn't. And finally when I reached home that voice started to get louder and louder until it took aver my whole mind. It was echoing through my mind. Taking it over like a hurricane. I didn't want to be alone right now. I didn't even notice that I was crying until a teardrop fell to my phone screen. Drip Drip, Drip drop. Only thing I heard was the humming of the ventilation and the teardrops. It was too quiet. I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream on top of my lungs that I was not okay. But I just couldn't. Nobody even cared, right. I wanted to call you but I didn't want to bother you. So I just ended up suffering alone. But what could I do, when I pushed you and everyone else around me away when I had days like these. I sat in my couch crying for hours straight. My tears dried and I just stared at the wall in front of me while the overwhelming feeling swallowed me inside of it.

The next morning I woke up at the couch. I had fallen asleep due to exhaustion of crying. I looked at my phone and noticed that it was flooded with messages from you. I had missed all of my classes. That brought my mood down even more. I sighed and decided to freshen up by taking a shower. After the shower I just stared at the wall in front of me. I felt shallow and empty. However my train of thoughts were interrupted by knock on my door. Sloppily I made my way to the door and to my surprise you stood there. You showed a white plastic back to my hand and pushed yourself in. "I thought you were sick" I couldn't answer. "Why didn't you answer my text? I was worried about you, you know. You pushed past me inside my apartment. You noticed my absent mind so you made your way to me. You took my hand and started to brush you thumb gently over it "Are you okay?" I just nodded tiredly and tried to smile "Yeah. I'm okay, just tired" You just shook your head "No. How are you, like really?" I tried to hide my sadness "I'm totally fine" Suddenly your hands were wrapped around me "No you're not. I know it" I felt how close I was breaking down again. "I know you're not fine Teahyung. You don't have to hide it from me." I burried my head to crook of your neck. You continued "Healing will take time. Some people heal faster, some people slower. And you and me, together, will find your phase to heal. I'm here for you. No matter how many years it will take. No matter how many times you fall down. I will be here to pick you up. I will be here for you. You're important and you're not worthless. No at all." As you whispered those words with your comforting yet determined voice I broke down. Ugly sobs escaping my lips as I cried to your shoulder.

It wasn't the first time I had cried to your shoulder but it wasn't the last either. But I'm glad that I had someone that I could rely on when I was down. And I'm glad that you felt the same because when you were going through something you cried to my shoulder as well. Absently I made my way to the bus door. Slowly the bus stopped. I let some elder woman to go before me who gave me a sweet smile. I stepped out of the bus and waved my thanks to the driver. The bus jerked a little and moved along. The lilies on the bench in the last row along with it.

                                                                                                                  Kim Taehyung aka the sweetheart