REAL Old Fashioned: a BMW & GMW Spanking Story

Ch. 7/P.1: No Privacy. None. (TW: self-harm, depressed)

Shawn's POV:

Man, I thought my life was bad up until now, but now (somehow) it's much worse. John was right about one thing...He sure did take away any ounce of privacy I thought I had. I'm lucky to even use the bathroom alone. Even then, he counts every minute that I'm in there and asks every five minutes if I'm still alive. It's suffocating. Aggravating. I know he's just trying to help, but jeez. I guess I sort of brought this on myself...

One good thing that has come from this is I've been thinking a lot more. I know, it sounds strange, but it's true. Turns out most of my thoughts are spent dwelling on the past and on how people have treated me. It crushes me. Maybe that's what's been causing this darkness. I'm not quite sure though. The only way I've been able to cope is by writing everything down in my black book where I keep any girlfriends' numbers. John knows not to touch it, so at least it's a safe way to vent. If this stuff got into the wrong guy's hands, I'd be toast for sure.

*Turner's Classroom*

"Shawn, head up please." Turner was in the middle of teaching the lesson, but it didn't matter to Shawn. Shawn's mind was bogged down with too many of his own issues to care. He tapped his pencil to try to calm his racing thoughts.

Topanga turned around. "Shawn, knock it off. You know I hate that tapping noise."

He slouched and rolled his eyes. "Well, what am I supposed to do then? I can't just sit here."

"Shawn, what's wrong?" Cory couldn't help but interrupt, being the caring friend that he was.

Shawn sighed. "It's...nothing. Really."

"You sure, bud? You're vibrating the whole floor with your foot."

Tension rose inside him. He didn't know why exactly, but he knew that if he didn't leave soon, he would blow up at whoever was nearest him. Shawn tried ignoring Cory, but Cory kept prying, not taking the hint. "Ya know what? I can't do this anymore. See ya." He launched himself out of his seat and walked out to the hallway. John hadn't noticed him leave because his back was turned as he wrote the announcements for the week.

What should I do? Should I go after him? Cory thought. He decided to stay at least until the announcements were finished for fear of getting himself in trouble.

Shawn paced back and forth in the boy's bathroom, then stopped in front of one of the stalls and pounded his head on its side. "I'm such a f*cking screw up. Why didn't I end up like my lousy dad? I should be in the ground too. I'm just like him- a f*cking screw up." He sat on the floor inside the first stall and pulled out his black book. "I've just gotta write...That's all. Things will get better if I just let it bleed onto the page..." He took a pencil out of his pocket and attempted to write something, anything.

Nothing.

Nothing would come. "Sh*t. I hate this. I need this to stop. NOW." In frustration, he jabbed his pencil into his leg, drawing blood. Tears of anger flowed down his cheeks as he continued the stabbing motion. "I can't...make it stop! Why won't this pain stop?!"

Shawn sunk down into a fetal position beside the toilet, allowing his emotions to completely drown him and take over any logical thought. I need something sharper than this. I can't do any real damage with this, nothing permanent. He chucked the pencil aside and began to rummage through his pockets. He remembered that John had given him a swiss army knife for Christmas that he carried with him everywhere.

This. This should do the trick.

Taking the knife, he began to part the skin beneath the sleeves of his sweatshirt. Adrenaline coursed through his body as he made streaking patterns across his forearms and wrists.

Wow. Why does this feel so...good, so satisfying? I can feel something besides inner death.

Breaking him out of his suicidal thoughts, he heard his name called from the hallway. Oh sh*t. It's Cory. Why can't he just leave me the h*ll alone for once? He tried to remain silent in hopes that Cory would go back to the classroom. No such luck. He could see Cory's shoes from under the stall.

"Shawn? Shawn. Please, I know you're upset about something. We need to talk. I'm not gonna let you self-destruct again. C'mon, where are you, dude? SHAWN!"

Shawn didn't know why, maybe it was Cory's insistence, but he decided to answer. "I'm down here, Cor. Help. Please."

Cory opened the door to the first stall. At the sight of Shawn in a pool of his own blood, his face turned pale. "Shawn, what on earth have you done? Why? Are you insane?" He pulled Shawn up to a seated position and noticed his arms. He held his wrists and inspected the damage. He gasped. "Shawn...Oh no. This is bad...This is very, very bad...TURNER! SOMEONE HELP!" Frantic sobs burst out from Cory, something Shawn desperately hoped wouldn't happen.

Shawn put his hand over Cory's mouth. "Dude. It's just blood. Chill out. I'm...fine...Well, I guess I'm not, but...just help me get cleaned up, K? It was just an accident." He stared at Cory with urgent eyes, pleading with him to be quiet. "Okay, I'm gonna let go of your mouth now, and you're gonna stay calm and help me." He removed his hand.

As soon as Shawn removed his hand, Cory darted out of the bathroom, screaming for help.

Great. Just great. F*cking perfect. Now everyone's gonna see me like this. They're gonna think I'm some kind of freak.

Shawn lost it. Emotions came pouring out into his knees as he waited for someone to rescue him from the agony.

Cory then pulled John into the bathroom. To both the boys' surprise, John's face remained stoic- no panic whatsoever. He sighed. "Shawn...I'm so sorry. Come, let me help you." John lifted Shawn up to a standing position. "Wow. This is a lot of blood, man. I should've saw this coming. This is all my fault...I should've been watching." As John tried to hold himself together, he wrapped his tie, and whatever else he could find, around Shawn's cuts to halt the bleeding.

"STOP. Just...stop, John. I can't anymore. I gotta leave. I gotta go somewhere else. Don't wait up for me." Shawn bolted toward the hallway, but as soon as he reached the door, his body collapsed in a heap.

"SHAWN!" Both Cory and John ran over to him.

"Cory, I need you to call 9-1-1, then let Mr. Feeny know what's going on. I'll stay here with Shawn. Can you do that for me?"

"Yeah, I-I think I can."

"Okay, good. Thanks..." John glanced down at Shawn's unconscious state. He smacked his face lightly to wake him up. "Shawn, stay with me. We're getting you help."

~I hope this wasn't too triggering for you...If you need help, I am here to talk. There are also suicide help lines you can google to get the help you need if you are experiencing difficulties. Thank you for reading. #mentalhealthawareness