our last summer ☽ | shawn mendes

twenty-eight

"the love you gave me,
nothing else can save me."
- sos

noa álvaro
📍alvor, portugal
june 21st, 2023
a year later

@ zamirah

liked by ravenpelevy, liopelevy and 258 others
zamirah my mom always told me to pull through :)

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liopelevy - ❤️ u

ravenpelevy - you're flawless

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another tear rolled down my cheek. one of too many. i don't think i'd ever cried as much as i did the past week. it was the week of the year. i had lost him a year ago and i just couldn't get over it. it was the first year that i knew that he was gone for good.

a small part in me had wished that he would've showed up at my doorstep but i knew that that would never happen again. he wouldn't come here again and it was all my fault. i was so stupid.

i quietly sniffled before i pulled myself together and turned around, greeting another costumer on the market. god, how much i hated doing this job. i wanted to see the world and find myself. but this, this was everything i never wanted to do with my life.

a couple of months ago i had finally pulled myself to hire another employee that took some weight off my shoulders. well, lio and raven pretty much dragged me to do it. since then i had much time for myself, which was not as pleasant as i hoped it would be.

i spent the last year dragging myself down. accusing myself for everything that had happened in my life. i can't remember how many times i cried at night and told myself how disappointed my parents would be if they would still be here. i hated my life. it was miserable and i pushed everything and everyone away from me. my anxiety was never so bad. i was haunted by nightmares and anxiety attacks.

i missed those carefree summers. i missed the times were happiness was written all over my face and i only lost happy tears. simply said, i missed shawn's impact on my life. he had cured me for so many years and then we lost it all.

pulling myself back to reality, i focused on the young man that just bought some peaches. i then started to gather everything together and was slowly closing the booth. it was a wednesday and i only worked halftime on wednesdays.

i didn't look forward to being at home. i would be alone again. alone with my ugly thoughts and those scary feelings. lio and rav came over for most nights because they knew that i couldn't sleep alone. but today they were meeting their parents in lisbon and wouldn't come back until tomorrow night. i would be completely alone.