our last summer ☽ | shawn mendes

twenty-nine

"i wonder, it's frightening
leaving now, is that the right thing?"
- i wonder

noa álvaro
📍alvor, portugal
june 21st, 2019

"so uhm..." i started as we both got comfortable on the couch with our mugs in our hands.

shawn looked at me expectingly and it made something in me panick. all these feelings were so overwhelming, i didn't know how to deal with them.

"i actually don't know what to say." i confessed with a shy voice.

"noa-"

"i can't believe you're here." i interrupted him while shaking my head.

"but i am." he gently told me.

"what made you come back?" i queried.

"there wasn't this one thing that made me come back. but when we didn't even speak on our anniversary i just knew that i had to act now or i would really lose you forever. i thought about lio's words and came here."

"lio talked to you?" i furrowed my eyebrows.

"uh.. yeah, not so long ago actually. we talked a bit. i wouldn't say we're friends again but we're civil." he nodded before he took a sip of his hot tea.

"i didn't know that..." i mumbled.

there was an awkward silence for a few minutes where both of us quietly drank our tea and stared at each other.

"you look beautiful, by the way." he commented with a gorgeous teethy smile.

i blushed, "thank you. you look a lot more grown."

"are you saying i'm looking old?" he playfully challenged me.

i snickered, "no. but yes, you're not eighteen anymore."

"right." he agreed with a smile.

"listen, noa.." he then started and my heart started to race. "i need to be honest with you, okay?"

"of course." i nodded.

"i don't want to keep on doing what we did over the past six years. i just can't do it anymore." he told me as my eyes burned into his.

my anxiety started to build up. i couldn't lose him again. he just got back. i just got him back and now he was telling me that he couldn't do it anymore?

"what are you saying?" i queried with a shaky voice as my bottom lip began to shake. i didn't want to cry. not again.

"i'm telling you what i always told you. i want all of you, i can't keep living with only having parts of you. i want to officially call you mine. i want to be able to tell you that i love you whenever i want to. i want to tell the whole word that i'm so in love with you. i want to be able to hold your hand in public and kiss you every minute. i want you to meet my family. i want everything with you, noa."

i knew that he meant every single word. he was pouring his heart out to me and i felt so, so grateful. he had always been truthful with me and it broke my heart that i sometimes hadn't.
however, i knew that i couldn't give him what he wanted. i wanted to, but i couldn't.