The Only Girl In The World

Chapter Thirty-Three

The air was slightly chilly indicating how early in the morning it was as I stood in front of his door and by his, I meant Christian. So you may be wondering why I was standing here in the morning at seven when I was supposed to be on my way to school. Simple.

I made my decision.

I felt my heart beat faster and my stomach churned with nerves as I wondered if I made the wrong decision, regardless it was too late to turn back now, I just have to live with whatever happens.

So mustering up courage, I rang the doorbell.

I wanted to be there for him, he was there for me when I was going through my loss so I would be there for him too. Technically you could say I owed him one. I wasn’t doing it just because of that though, I really wanted to be sure he was ok.

A few seconds later, the door slowly opened.

Karen smiled from inside as her eyes landed on me, her eyes were red and puffy from crying and she looked a bit down but there was still a warm smile on her face.

“Hey sweetie, how are you?” she asked, her voice slightly hoarse.

“I’m fine. I…I heard-” I fumbled with my words trying to find the right thing to say. “I’m sorry for your loss”

“Thank you dear.” she replied. “You’re here for Christian right?”

I nodded.

“He’s up in his room, come in.” she said stepping out of the way as I came in. “You know the way right?”

“Yes, thank you. Is…is it alright if I go?” I asked feeling a bit hesitant.

I didn’t want to pry on any of their privacy especially with the fact that he had no idea I was even coming.

“It’s fine. I’m sure he’ll be glad to see you.” She said. “Thank you for coming, it’s a rough time for the both of us especially him. I know that things between you two aren’t the best at the moment but I’m glad you’re here, that’s really sweet of you.”

“He was there for me.” was all I could say.

She gave me one more smile before she left and I made my way up the stairs to his room.

I stood in front of his room door, my hands on the doorknob as I took in a breath. With my other hand, I knocked on the door.

When I didn’t get a reply, I knocked again.

The door swung open catching me off slightly off guard. Regaining my balance, I nervously looked up at Christian standing in the doorway. Unlike his mom’s eyes that were red and puffy, his was just dark. He looked tired, exhausted like he hadn’t been sleeping from his outside appearance but as I stared deeper into his eyes, I could see the pain and hurt he was going through.  His hair was ruffled and messy, a small stubble growing on his chin and he was still dressed in his pajamas. Behind him I could see his room was a bit messy, it was usually always arranged and tidy.

“Kaylee?” he called out my name, his voice barely a whisper. “I don’t…Why are you here?”

“I’m here for you. ” I said as I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around his torso in a hug.

He was shocked for a second but he immediately hugged me back tightly, his arms around my shoulder as he bent low putting his head in the crook of my neck.

We didn’t say anything else but this was more than words. The way he held me back tight yet gently told me enough. I didn’t regret my decision, my decision of coming here and holding onto him like I didn’t want to let go, because I didn’t want to.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that but after what felt like an hour, we finally pulled apart. His hand moving from my shoulders to cup the side of my face as he stared down at me, a look in his eyes that I could barely comprehend.

“Why?” his voice cracked slightly as he asked.

“Why not?” I smiled slightly even though my heart was clenching in pain, pain of seeing him like this. “You were there for me and I want to be here for you now.”

“I hurt you Kaylee, I kept things from you and said those hurtful words.” He choked out.

“I wasn’t completely honest with you either was I?” I tilted my head.

He looked away so I gently held his chin, the new stubble that was growing tickling my hand slightly, and turned his face to mine

“Are you ok?” I asked him even though I already knew the answer to that.

“I’ve been worse.” he shrugged. “Let’s go in, I think it’s time I come clean.”

Opening the door wide for me, I stepped in as he closed the door behind me and then moved to seat on his bed.

“I thought it would be easier today, I thought I had fully gotten over it but I realized I’ve just been avoiding the truth ever since.” He started gesturing for me to seat on the bed next to him which I did. “When I first moved here and I met you, I wanted to live in denial and pretend nothing happened. And when things started happening between us, it was enough to distract me from the pain because I found myself thinking about you always. Then everything just went downhill with Melissa, she had me on a chokehold because she knew what happened.

I was afraid she would tell you, I was afraid you would see me differently and as a monster. I was afraid I would lose you and in the end, I did. I thought I could somehow manage to escape it, no one else would have to know and I could stay happy with you. I was naïve, naïve and stupid.”

He paused as I remained silent, I didn’t believe there was anything that could make me see him as a monster but I decided to let him finish.

“Everything was a mess when we broke up, I lost you and it was all my fault. If I wasn’t thinking of how I lost you then I was thinking of them. It was like a dark hole I couldn’t escape. I lost the best thing that happened to me for some time. Even when I apologized, I wanted you to stay away from me because I’m a terrible person.” he said his hands fisting at his sides.

Slowly reaching out, I held his hand and intertwined them. “I could never think you’re a terrible person Christian.”

“That’s because you don’t know what I did.” he let out a dry bitter laugh.                           

“Try me.” I challenged him but the next thing that came out of his mouth took my breathe away.

“I killed them….My father and my little sister died…because of me.”