The Only Girl In The World

Chapter Thirty-Five

I felt a lot lighter telling Christian these things, I had never told anyone how I really ever felt, not even those therapists I was forced to see. I had always cooped my feelings up and tried to handle them on my own.

Once I started, the words didn’t stop and I didn’t want to. It finally felt like a huge weight was being lifted from me. The burden of carrying that pain alone. And I felt so comfortable telling him after he told me about his past, I finally felt like I could relate to someone.

“My mom’s last words were to stay strong, I couldn’t even honor her last words.” I said my head falling slightly. “I was…I can’t even explain the feeling. I never told my friends much of what happened, they only knew my dad died in an accident and my mom died sick. I had a few friends but I was close to the twins mostly, Bella and Becca. I didn’t want to bear the pain alone so I tried to tell them how I felt. The next day, there were rumors going around that I was the reason my parents died and if anyone come near me, they might die too. I mean, the rumors were stupid and I didn’t care if people didn’t want to be near me but what pained me the most was the fact that my own best-friends started the rumors.

With my mom’s funeral, going from one foster home to another because none of our distant relatives wanted a sick burden, the rumors about me in school and the betrayal of my best friends, I wasn’t myself anymore. I was completely empty, completely broken and tired. I barely left my beds except I had to go to school, sometimes I would purposely miss school and blame it on being sick. Living became a nightmare for me.

Even when Rick came to take me, trying to make up for everything that had happened, even when I moved to a new neighborhood and left those rumors behind, even when I thought I could start afresh, I found out that I couldn’t escape the darkness that seemed to surround me suffocating me slowly. I couldn’t talk…even when the doctors tried to talk to me, even when Rick begged me to talk to him, even when I got to my new school. I don’t exactly know why but all I knew is I couldn’t find the energy within me to even utter a word. That’s when the rumors in my school started but I didn’t care anyway.

I did eventually get better, I wasn’t happy but at least I slowly found my words. I didn’t bother speaking at school, everyone else gave up trying to talk to me anyway and just assumed I was mute. It worked for me, I wasn’t trying to open up for new people in my life. I always assumed that I would die because my cancer was advanced so I wanted to leave the world quietly, as weird as that sounds, that’s what I wanted.

And that’s when I met you.”

I looked up at him, a small smile playing on the sides of my lips. He reached forward and gently cleaned the tears on my face with his fingers.

“At first, I thought you would be one of another annoying person trying to get me to talk. It actually became a game in school once, try to get the mute girl to talk. But you kept on coming back and coming back and….I don’t know I guess I found what I never knew I was looking for. Someone to stay. Ever since my life went to a downfall, I always pushed everyone around me. I was angry at the world but you kept on coming back no matter how hard I pushed you and I found my-self slowly opening up to you.

At first I was afraid to because I didn’t want to get hurt again but I let myself fall because…it felt almost like a break from everything and I could feel like I had a normal life again. Then I realized how much I was falling and I thought it would be ok, just a little bit. When you told me…well I guess you didn’t really tell me, but when I realized that you could be falling in love with me...I just couldn’t. I knew how hurt I was when I lost my parents, I loved them with all my heart. I didn’t want you to be hurt. I’ve always found peace in dying but then I didn’t want to anymore, I finally found a reason to live.

I was eventually going to tell you, I was going to tell you and see where it goes but since…you know what happened, I guess I kind of used that as an opportunity to end things. I didn’t want to but I couldn’t be more selfish than I already was.”

“I wanted to stay away not just because I didn’t want you to find out the truth about who I really was, but because I knew I didn’t deserve you.” Christian said. “We both wanted to stay away because we each had our own secrets and past haunting us, trying to protect ourselves and each other.”

I laughed slightly as I nodded. “Yeah, I guess. Pretty much it.”

“You’re so strong Kaylee.” he said pulling me to himself.

His arms engulfed me in a hug and I once again relaxed into his warmth and scent.

“So are you.” I whispered.

“I don’t feel like it though.” I heard him say. “I just tell myself that they weren’t mad at me, if they were they wouldn’t have sacrificed their lives for me. I want to believe they have forgiven me and they're watching over me, happy I’m becoming the person they wanted.”

“I’m sure they are.” I told him. “My mom always tried to tell me that it wasn’t my fault dad died and that he loved me to the end, even with her last breath she told me she loved me. So I try to believe too that it wasn’t my fault or at least they’re not holding it against me.

The guilt is always going to be there and the pain of losing a loved one will never really go away, I guess we just get used to it over time and try to heal.”

He hummed in response letting out a sigh. We remained silence for a while letting everything sink it while relaxing into each other’s warmth, It was peaceful.

“Are you really…going to…”

“Die?” I completed for him. “According to the doctors I guess.”

He paused before continuing. “How much time left?”

“Not more than a year at this point.” I sighed.

“Then you should have let me make that choice, I don’t want to let you go just because of that. It would hurt more if I can’t be by your side till the last minute.” He said.

Pulling out of the hug, he kept his arms around me but moved only enough that he was directly in front of my face staring deep into my eyes.

“I was told that the last few seconds before my sister died, she was calling my name. She wasn’t fully conscious but she kept calling my name.” he said. “If anything, I wished I could have at least been there for her. Just those last few seconds of her life, I wish I was there to hold her hand, tell her I was sorry and hold her close to me…But I wasn’t. And it kills me, there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t want to make that same mistake with you.”

I opened my mouth to say something, maybe even protest, but no words came out. It was time to stop fighting this, fighting everyone, fighting the world.

“You want to know why?” he asked, his face moving close to mine stopping a few inches dangerously to mine but I didn’t move away.

“Why?”

“I love you.” he said closing the remaining distance between us as he claimed my lips in a soft and warm kiss.

I pulled away gently, my hands slipping around his neck as I gazed into his eyes, my voice barely a whisper as I uttered my words. “I love you too.”

I smiled, genuinely smiled, feeling happier than I had ever been in years. He smiled back too placing a kiss on my forehead as he pulled me for another hug, this time tighter like he was afraid that if he didn’t hold tight enough, I would slip away from his arms. That wasn’t happening anytime soon though, I didn’t have all the time left in the world but the little time I had, I wanted to spend them with him.

God, I loved him.