Reality And Us

Chapter Twenty Four

Whoever had first thought of making a dome guard a football field in winter surely had Nicklas' appreciation, but still, the air was incredibly cold that day - warmer than outside, but nevertheless, cold. Of course, it was November after all.

The boy really preferred playing during spring and maybe summer, when he wouldn't have to fear turning into a cube of ice all the time, but he'd have to somehow get along with it.

He had noticed that he had improved over the past few months, but not in the way he had wanted to improve. When they had to run laps or do exercises to better their dexterity, it was noticeable how much he had trained - and then they had a practice match.

It frustrated him, it really did. But what was he supposed to change?

He was a very organized person, loved planning things through, finding the problems and solving them. And he just didn't find any, and it confused him, it was illogical. Technically he should be good, so why wasn't he?

One could've thought it to be funny how his thoughts were such a mess, so many different topics pulling his mind apart, that he lost his focus wondering how to improve - and accidentally noticing the ball coming to his goal a split second too late.

Funny was an understatement, a cynic like him would've thought it to be hilarious, if he had noticed it. But Nick was too occupied wondering about a bunch of things to realize.

This Wednesday afternoon he was standing there again, on one side of their field, and it looked as if he was concentrated, paying attention, but really, he wasn't. This week hadn't been too good so far, but it wasn't as if a good week meant he could easily focus. A game stressed him, and stress made it easier for Nick to forget his surroundings, to get lost in his own imagination as an escape.

It hadn't always been like this, if it had been, he wouldn't have started to play this sport so much, and it was usually a lot less extreme during his good weeks.

Back when he had been a little boy, he had been so careless. And growing up, at one point he had started to feel so. . . superior to all these irrational fools surrounding him. This perception of his had regressed quite a bit, but the need to be better than them, just to prove to himself that he wasn't one of them, it stayed.

If he was like them, he'd feel dumb, and he hated feeling dumb. He had to be better, he pressured himself so much. And that was why those games always ended up stressing him.

This week was more difficult, for two main reasons. For one, the fact that him not fully developing his potential possibly being linked to not physical capability but mental things made him wonder so much about it, it was hard not to ignore what was happening around him. And for two, he worried so much about Zane, it was absolutely ridiculous.

His dislike towards Lee was immense, had been before already, but seriously, how dare he treat someone as great as Zane like that? It made Nick's blood boil, an angry frown made his face look so rude and mean, but he was just internally cursing someone he had never spoken to before.

Totally something you should do when playing football. But hey, at least he was a keeper and didn't have to run after the ball the whole time. People would probably only notice his state of mind if he ignored a ball coming to his goal.

Yeah, his mind was a mess he didn't know how to sort properly, and usually he didn't want to, there was no reason for that after all.

He was very much lost in thought - he was, after all, going to meet Zane again tomorrow, and was very happy about that, he missed the boy.

Suddenly he was thrown out of his thinking, there were so many people so close to him. Which could only mean one thing, the other half of the team was attacking them, they were a little bit too close to him for Nicklas' liking.

Colton, a striker, had the ball, passed it to Reed, and it was obvious the guy would attempt to score a goal. And Nick didn't want to let that happen.

He was lucky he had noticed it, and his eyes were glued to the boy. For a moment he could concentrate, push all his random and useless thoughts aside.

Nothing existed but him and the ball.

Time seemed to slow down, he was calm yet full of adrenaline, his mind was working fast. Trying to estimate how this small object would end up getting nearer to him, how to keep it away from him and his goal.

This was one of the moments he loved the most in this sport - this weird silence, the way his ears ignored all the noise, the way his heart was beating fast but his thoughts were sharp and precise, this moment of truth, when he had to prepare to defend.

He didn't notice the way he breathed, how his team was running around, trying to somehow help, how some players were just standing around, waiting in anticipation, because they really couldn't do anything. The coach ceased to exist, all that was there was this feeling in his muscles, he was ready to give it his best, and more.

This was the high he was always chasing for when playing this sport, these few seconds once you realized the ball was about to fly directly towards you just made him feel so fulfilled, there was nothing better in this sport, maybe even in this world that brought him close to that timeless state, where all that mattered were his legs and arms ready to follow whatever his mind decided to be useful, whatever it took to guard the goal.

Everybody seemed to move so slowly, and he could only hear his fast heartbeat when the ball lifted from the ground, when it started to chase towards his right.

Focus on what exactly you're struggling with.

And his concentration was gone. The moment was over. Too soon, he didn't want it to end just yet. The high left and he was met by the cold face of reality, staring at him, his mind still somehow lost, too busy focusing on his conversation with Zane on saturday. He simply wasn't able to stop worrying, stop thinking about his friend.

I don't know what to believe in.

Nick moved, towards where he suspected the ball to go. He tried, but he was too late. His concentration washed away, the ball hit the net behind him.

Zane's sad voice was too much, threw him off. It was like this quite often, a memory or a thought, an interesting idea or anything in general breaking his focus. Something that had occupied his mind a bit even before the match.

He loved the way he felt when he was in that certain mindset, almost like him and the universe were one, he was at peace. But now, all that was left was feeling helpless, stupid, incapable. Not because he couldn't stop the ball, but because he had lost that feeling, lost it too soon, because he couldn't concentrate, and that made him feel powerless.

If he wasn't even able to handle his own mind, his own thoughts, what made him himself, the essence of what and who he was - was there really any point?

The game proceeded how a game usually proceeds, and Nick was lost in thoughts once again. The guys who were on his side that match looked a little bit demotivated, the others were cheering. The noise appeared so suddenly, the silence that had filled the universe beforehand was long gone, it was out of reach.

He watched his teammates absentmindedly. He was busy asking himself why he didn't catch the ball, and it was pretty obvious to him. There seemed to be a serious lack of concentration, and now that he thought about it, this wasn't that unusual for him in stressful situation - he's messed up a few exams already, not because he didn't understand or knew the answers, but because the pressure he gave himself made his mind flee into all kinds of realms where nothing was impossible. Except acing an exam, that is.

He was quite scared, how was he supposed to become an actual football player if he couldn't even focus properly?

But he decided to push that thought aside, because for now, there were a lot more important topics to think and wonder about, for example Zane's problems, problems Nick might have to help him solve, or just the other in general. A nice topic to think about as well.

I like you, too.