Reality And Us

Chapter Twenty Seven

Zane had this disconcerting feeling as he climbed onto his bike. His heart felt heavy, his mind was blurry. Nothing made sense., his conscientiousness came back to the topic he wanted to avoid so badly the second he had been alone.

It was as if his brain had suddenly refused to work properly, to make him understand, so he could grasp the essence of what Nick had told him. Instead, everything was so. . . incomprehensible. Even though it should've been simple to get.

What did his friend mean when talking like this, saying he wasn't okay? He was. Wasn't he?

Nick was clever, reliable, no doubt in that, he was honest. But Zane didn't want him to be right. He just wanted everything to be alright, because he felt as if everything was alright. His heart was telling him to stay, stay with Lee, and his mind was too foggy to give a statement to this whole situation.

As he started to ride, the cold wind hitting his face, he tried to think back, think back and see if there was anything reasonably connected to Nicklas' theory. Anything, but he was hoping there wouldn't be nothing to reason him out of his relationship.

He really tried to. But his mind was clouded, reality and imagination were merging together, the clear line separating the two nowhere in sight. He tried to focus on his memories, his very recent past, the few months he had been dating his boyfriend - it seemed blurry, no real meaning, no real happenings. It was difficult to figure out what exactly didn't work recalling all these events.

Honestly, he didn't remember his memory being that bad.

He couldn't vividly recall the time when him and Lee were still a new couple, even though it was just a few months prior. He knew they had been happy back then, but they still were, he was sure of it.

His boyfriend used to look a bit differently. Back when they had met Lee had been a lot healthier. Zane wasn't completely blind, but he couldn't really realize the extent of the change within his lover, it just seemed like very little.

It seemed. This word had started to annoy him quite a bit. Seem.

Because, if everything was really as it seemed, then why was Nick so hung up on the fact that Zane's life had quite a few very shitty aspects? First this insisting on him being underweight, now it was that his relationship was toxic - if the boy was right at least to some extent, it was obvious that he couldn't trust his own perception anymore. And how was he supposed to find out the truth if he couldn't rely on what he saw, heard or felt?

If he couldn't trust himself no more, who could he trust?

Nick and him had met, two months ago? Not long enough to believe every word the other said, to put all his trust in this one person. But the boy was attentive, honest and smart. Seemed to be, at least. And he seemed to care. But what if he was wrong? Zane wasn't going to give up all his ideas, thoughts, believes, just for someone he had met not even three months ago. It would've been careless.

Besides, Lee and him were happy. Just this morning they had cuddled in bed while rewatching a few episodes of 'Avatar: the last airbender' together, because they both agreed on this series being very cool. They had grinned and laughed and enjoyed each other's presence, and he had felt so in love. Because he was, so, so much, and therefore it had hurt him hearing his friend say those words.

On the other hand, he was pretty sure that his lack of friends had started after one too many fights caused by jealousy. But that wasn't Lee's fault, Zane had just focused too much on his friendships, been too affectionate.

But it had felt right to hang out with Nick, to hang out with a friend. A friend who wasn't your boyfriend's sister, but someone you had befriended yourself. Zoe was nice, but he didn't really like her as much as one likes their friends. He didn't dislike her either, but still, she wasn't a real friend, it didn't feel like that.