Reality And Us

Chapter Fifteen

The apartment was silent, one couldn't hear a thing, not even the sound of snoring filled the rooms, just the constant breathing of two men.

Lee lied there, awake in his bed, and stared at the ceiling. He couldn't see much, since the room was dark, but that was okay, since he didn't look at it to actually view it.

Zane was next to him, still sleeping, his boyfriend always looked so peaceful doing so.

There were no words that could describe how bad he felt about being the way he was, how he treated the other, but still, it happened again and again and again.

He was in love with the boy lying next to him, but sometimes he acted in ways he didn't understand himself, he wished he didn't, but he did. And he was too much of a coward to admit it to anyone but himself, pushing his self-hatred even further and further.

He was so scared of loosing Zane, so scared that he ended up lying to him, making him feel sorry for something the boy shouldn't feel sorry for, just because he hoped that would make him stay. He was so scared that if his boyfriend realized how bad he had become, he wouldn't get a chance to apologize, but would be left behind by the person he loved the most.

So he lied, and kept on being a bad boyfriend, he simply didn't know how to be different.

He was a pitiful being.

He knew he wasn't a good boyfriend, but he didn't know how to change - he's never known anything else, at no point in his life he had seen an actual working relationship, his mom had starved herself to death, his father had driven her insane.

Zane was his first partner, he had never had a chance to learn how this whole thing worked before, and he was so scared that he might've already messed them up.

Their bed was comfortable, but he couldn't keep on lying there, he should get up soon - it might've been Saturday, but that didn't change that he had to start his day at some point.

He stood up, slowly, he hated standing up to fast, his heart always felt uncomfortable when doing so.

He went into their bathroom, and stared into the mirror. He looked tired, his eye bags were prominent, and his skin was a little bit yellow-ish. He noticed his hair was already quite long, he should get a new haircut soon.

Honestly, he looked as ugly as always, maybe even worse. His thoughts.

The room was white, it felt lonely, the tiles on the ground were like ice against his feet. It was still silent, so silent, it was almost scary.

He walked over slowly to the other side of the bathroom, his movements careful and stiff. Having arrived, he looked down to his feet, and sighed.

He left the room, shaking his head, he was unhappy. He wished he was someone else, someone who could be good for Zane, but even though he knew he was bad for the other he couldn't leave him, couldn't stop, he was too scared to be without the other, he didn't know who he'd be anymore.

Back in the bedroom he took a jacket from his closet, he felt cold, it was always cold. Sometimes his sister mocked him for it, how he had become so sensitive towards cold not too long after he had started dating Zane.

Said boy blinked, the noise of Lee coming back had woken him up, he looked over at his boyfriend. "Good morning.", he whispered, his voice still raspy.

He let out a loud yawn, before he got off the bed and trotted over to his boyfriend, greeting him with a peck on the cheek.

"How about we do some yoga?", Lee asked, he was really in the mood to exercise, to raise his spirits, to ease his mind.