Reality And Us

Chapter Twenty Eight

Zane stared at the screen in front of him, a sigh escaping his lips. It was evening, late evening, and he'd have to go outside of this room. He didn't entirely feel like doing so - it would mean having to face his boyfriend again - but he had calmed down, at least a bit.

He had come to the conclusion that Lee had done some serious shit. But, it was better first to gather more facts. Because, still, he couldn't really believe this whole thing. What if the other had genuinely forgotten what had happened?

His back was resting against the frame of their bed, it hurt a little bit. He had been sitting there for quite a while, lost in thought. This was a serious matter, couldn't be treated like nothing.

He could honestly feel himself disagreeing with his own mind, thoughts, entire being. A thought popping up about something Lee might have done wrong, criticizing his boyfriend, was always followed by this extreme rush of guilt, a voice in his head telling him how stupid he was for not seeing how great the other was, for doubting him.

It was almost as if he was a prisoner to his own feelings, manipulated so much he couldn't tell what they originally were meant to express.

He stood up, because he couldn't rest against the hard edge of the bed anymore. He let out a yawn and put the phone in his pocket. Facing Lee would be inevitable anyway, and so he went towards the door.

He hesitated a second before pushing it open. A moment to breathe, to gather his thoughts, to clear his mind.

When he arrived in the living room his boyfriend was still sitting at their table, still reading the book. Still busy.

"Can we eat dinner?", Zane asked. And the next second he was unhappy about that question, it was as if he was asking for permission. To do what? Do things necessary to survive. Was he always like that?

Was he really that dependent? It angered him. And those ugly feelings rose up again, those who shamed him for second-guessing anything in between them.

He could see his boyfriend tense up, but it was just for a split moment. Zane wondered why those little things had just went past him before. These reactions his boyfriend had. Short, but they said more than thousand words could. Well, he wasn't sure if he'd believe thousand words coming from the other's mouth just so easily now anyway.

"Dinner? I'm not really hungry right now."

Zane pressed his teeth together. He wasn't sure whether believing this was a good idea. But he wasn't looking for a fight about something, he had no idea on which side he'd pick. So it was better to accept this.

And yet again he believed something Lee had told him, just like that. But this time he knew he was. He knew it might not be the truth, might be. But that didn't matter, because he recognized taking care of himself, understanding this situation was far more important for now.

It was a different kind of lying to oneself. One George Orwell might have classified as 'double-think', a well-read person could have joked. But the boy was serious about this.

"Suit yourself. I'll go get myself something to eat.", he mumbled. Fully aware this wasn't what his boyfriend wanted to hear, but he was hungry.

His boyfriend looked at him, and he got the sudden need to justify this wish of his, to eat. It was weird. How much inner conflict can one handle?

"I haven't eaten since breakfast."

He felt guilt, for what? It was sickening.

And Lee nodded and looked away. Everything just seemed wrong that moment. What was the guy, his parent? No, this wasn't how it was supposed to be, couldn't be how it's supposed to be. It didn't feel right, and still, he couldn't help but feel these thoughts inside of him to feel wrong.