Knowing You Is A Mistake

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Life might be difficult for awhile, but I would tough it out because living in a foreign country is one of those things that everyone should try atleast once. It completed a person standing down the rough provincial edges and transforming you into a citizen of the world.  -David Sedaris-

Sure he is right, somehow living in a different country and being far from my Family it didn't do me good. It makes my life worsen.

What I have learned only is that making a big life change is pretty scary. But know what's even scarier? REGRET!

I thought choosing this destiny ay mapapabuti ang buhay ko  ang buhay ng pamilya ko.

I've made a wrong decision na magtrabaho sa ibang bansa. Wasting 4 years working in a far country pero anong nangyari? Wala. Uuuwi din akong walang wala.

Never thought that I would really expereince this kind of pain. Akala ko magiging masaya ako sa pinili kong landas para sa sarili ko. Na akala ko makakatulong sa Family ko.

I gave up everything back home, my career and my life. Iniwan ko lahat kasama na doon ang taong walang ginawa kundi ang mahalin ako at ibigay lahat ng gusto ko. One of the reason why I'd choose this path para lumayo sakanya. A path that made me regret.

Nawala ko yung sarili ko. Halos hindi ko na nga ata makilala ang sarili ko. Kilala ko pa ba? I don't think so. It changes me. This place changes me.

Tears suddenly fall down to my cheeks. Sariwang sariwa parin ang lahat ng sakit na naidulot sa akin itong bansang ito.

"What do you want me to do ha!!!? Why you can't understand me!? You know what, you are selfish. You're only thinking of yourself!" Sabay duro niya sa akin.

"I am selfish? Fine I am selfish say whatever you want to say after all neither you cannot understand me also. When did you ever give an importance of what I feel. I've been so patience with you all this time, I am trying to understand you eventhough I don't know what you really want. After all the pain that you've caused me still I choose to give it a try" I said with heavy heart while my tears is constantly falling down.

"Ah, so now you're trying to say that it was all my fault. Why you cannot understand. Do you see my situation right now? I don't have anything. I have alot of things in my mind. I told you that I don't want argument! Why??! Why do you keep on fighting on a simple things? Ha!"

Napapailing ako nakakatitig sakanya. This is not the guy who can take care of me who can truly cherish me. This guy can never be the guy that I want for the resy of my life.

"Do you even once asked yourself if you really love me?" Nanghihinang sabi ko habang ang mga luha ko ay patuloy parin sa pagtulo.

"Fuck!" I heard him cursed sabay sabunot sa buhok niya "Now you're questioning my love for you ha. How many times did I ever told you? Is it not enough everything..."

"Do you really love me?" I asked him again as I cut him off.

Tinignan niya lang ako na hindi makapaniwala. While his hands are on his waist.

Dinuro niya muli ako "You know that I love you! Why do you have to keep asking it? Fuck it Maysie"

Umiling ako sa harap niya. The way he pointed his fingers on me and how he talked to me ramdam ko yung sakit dito sa puso ko. Bawat salitang binibitiwan niya ay hindi yun yung gusto kong marinig sakanya.

"No, you don't love me. I don't even feel that you make me as your top priorities. Even on how you give importance to me. I've been so blind all those times to believed all your lies. You've promised me that things will get better and things will change, a good changes. But where are those" sa gitna ng mga luhang lumalandas sa aking pisngi ay hindi ko maiwasang madurog ng paulit ulit. Ramdam na ramdam ko yung sakit.

No words coming out to him nor that I would expect him to make me believed that his love for me is true. But there's nothing. I gave up.

I grabbed my sling bag and my phone under the table.

"I gave up" I said and walked out of his door.

The pain still here. I wiped my tears and stand up on my feet tsaka ko hinila ang aking mga bagahe.

Pagkatapos ng gabing yun wala na akong narinig mula sakanya. Its been a month already. So here I am, I have decided to go home back to my Family.

"Just hold on tight baby, makakauwi na tayo ng Pinas" Bulong ko sabay himas sa tiyan ko na hindi pa nahahalatang buntis ako.

I have to go back home bago pa malaman ng boss ko at ng mga katrabaho ko na buntis ako. In this country it is forbidden to get pregnant while you're not married.

This will be a new chapter of my life. I know that I'm going to face alot of problems kapag nakauwi na ako sa amin. But for this baby inside my womb, I will be strong.