Mr. Used Love

Chapter 11: Xanny

Alex's POV

All of the words spilling from his lips, like lava from a volcano, but more warming than violent. I find peace in them, extreme peace that is completely and overwhelmingly lovely. Dear lord did I miss having Laurens this close. He always did have a way of calming the entire room with his presence let alone his words. He continued watching me carefully, thank fuck he was still willing to help me recover from him. I still can't believe that he's so willingly here for me. I mean I really need help and super grateful for any help from my friends, but I'm so hopelessly in love with him and surprised after all this time and pain. 

This isn't a bad place, Hamilton.

I quickly begin to stir from my rest as I realize how long I've spaced out and how long he's been watching over me. To stop my tangent I look at his angelic face and feel every ounce of love I've ever felt for him seep back into the depths of my bones and heart. All of these old feelings rushing into my brain again. After what has felt like an eternity, I feel at home. Finally, I feel comfortable somewhere and it's not a safe space. I feel more relaxed than ever. I have found the old John. I have found the inner safe space with him and myself in his arms. If I could stare at him all-day the world would be a perfect place. 

No self-hatred.

No self-harm.

No abuse.

No harm.

No anxiety.

Even if there was no perfect place, I felt like I had definitely either found that fact was false or found the closest thing to it. Despite being in reality I knew at that moment I could find all of these things with John. The peace I found knowing he was here for me and cared. Even as his face began to stir with panic. I could find all of this in a friendship or even a relationship with him. I feel his affection and discover his hug. So I decided to start showing my emotions. Wow, I would finally be following some kind of therapy rules.

Feelings aren't fatal. 

Desperately I reach my shaky cold hand to his face. 

You can do this, Hamilton.

I feel a natural leaning sensation pushing me. 

You're safe here.

I let out an unknowingly held breath.

No harm can happen here. 

In his arms.