adore | ryanxbrendonxjosh

1- back to tinder

Hi! welcome to the first chapter!!! not sure if there are any triggers in this one but if there are lmk!!

word count- 1354

Trigger warning- talk of top dysphoria

"Dal, please!" Ryan cried, but Dallon continued packing his things. Ten months down the drain, all because Ryan came out. See, Dallon was fine with other things Ryan was, but when it came to them being nonbinary, dallon couldn't handle it.

"Are you fucking serious?" Brendon finally said, having been silent the whole time, not directing it at anyone, so obviously Ryan cried harder, thinking Brendon was leaving them too. Brendon, motioned for ryan to come over to the couch where he was sitting. "Why don't you go to our room honey." Ryan agreed, and left the room. "Dal, why would you do this! You can accept me but not them?" Dallon stopped packing.

Dallon sighed, "Bren-"

"No. Don't you dare 'bren' me. You know this. What's your problem!" Brendon was in his face at this point, almost yelling at him, the anger in his voice basically daring dallon to say something, anything. Dallon stayed silent, knowing that if he said anything brendon would be at his throat. "Get out. Get out! Get out! Leave!" Brendon shouted, turning away from
Dallon, a few tears finally letting loose, he focoused on the soft carpet fibers between his toes, and looking out the window at the backyard. He didn't turn away until he heard the door shut.

Then, and only then did Brendon fall to his knees sobbing. A ripple of sobs was followed by the smaller who'd been watching from the door of their room.

"Dada?" Brendon looked up through teary eyes- not even being able to see Ryan through the tears. "Dally not comin backs?" Brendon shook his head.

"No- no baby he's not come-coming back." Ryan sat across from Brendon, moving to sit in his lap and cradling his head. While Ryan was a little and a total submissive, they knew how to take care of their dada, as Brendon did for them.

The two slept on the floor that night, holding each other tightly and not letting go throughout the night. Brendon figured it hurt more, not the fact that Dallon had left, because he knew it wouldn't last, but because these are the terms Dallon left under. The fact that Dallon left because Ryan had come out as nonbinary. The things he'd said to them. The way he looked into ryans eyes. He'd looked at brendon almost pitifully, almost as a pitiful 'you're stuck with him' look. That's what hurt brendon most. They'd trusted him with so much, and yet this is how he leaves.

For the events they had experienced that day, Ryan slept peacefully, as did brendon.

Brendon awoke to ryan making breakfast, and he watched their shoulders move slightly and realized they were crying. Slowly he got up, a sharp pain erupting through his side. He let out a soft cry of pain, his hands going to his ribs.

"Forgot to take it off again?" Brendon nodded, even though Ryan couldn't see him. But they knew. "Yeah i didnt think we'd fall asleep there either but thats ok. Just take it off for today please." Brendon muttered a quiet fine, and went into their bedroom.

The bed dipped lightly around Brendon as he sat shirtless, the only thing covering him was the only thing keeping his mind out of the grave. He lay on his side, sighing softly, inhailing a scent he didnt want to.

Dallon's scent.

They didn't live together. No, of course not. Dallon was staying over at their house for the week just to try things out, and the three didn't want to be apart for too long. He was supposed to stay for a few more nights, brendon couldnt remember how many exactly, maybe four, maybe two, maybe he wasn't meant to stay long at all.

They were without a third partner now, and to some that would've been just fine. But for Brendon and Ryan, they felt incomplete. They'd grown to forget what it was like to not awake in the morning with a good morning text or call to brighten their senses. It was stupid really, to almost take a third person when others couldnt even get one.

By now he had tears making patterns down his cheeks, not because he missed Dallon (he did of course he just didn't want to admit it). Finally he sat again, his calloused fingers going to the opposing sides of his body. He'd been at war with himself for years, specifically his mind against his body. Why must he have been built like this.

He'd forgotten about what his mind would tell him everytime his fingertips would touch the excess of skin he felt he no longer needed. He'd never needed. He began to lift his extra article of cloth, finding it quite difficult as he hadn't gone without it on his person for longer than he should've. He lifted it away from his head, his arms going across his chest to cover his breasts.

He wasn't feeling especially dysphoric, but it was still always there. Always in the back of his head.

Brendon walked out of the bedroom with a large sweater over his thin muscular frame. He wore no binder, no bra either, just let those, those things breathe a bit more.

The two men sat at their dining table in silence. It was always like this the day after a breakup. They hadn't lost track of how many of course. Dallon was their fifth boyfriend in seven years since they first decides to have an open relationship. Sometimes they last for a year, sometimes- in this case- ten months. Which doesn't include the inbetween relationships one-night-stand.

Brendon decided to break the silence, clearing his throat and gaining Ryan's attention.

"Ry, we need to talk about yesterday." Brendon heard Ryan sigh, but neither looked up from their pancakes, and neither went any further than that.

"I, i dont know where to go with this." They said. "Are there- do you have and questions?"

Brendon nodded. "We need to figure this out together, for example- i know what my dysphoria feels like. But whats yours babe? And are you comfortable with the nicknames I have for you, and calling you my boyfriend?"

It was a lot at once for Ryan. Even though they'd have to explain forever, this was something they hadn't prepaired for yet. They took a minute to think, the clink of brendons spoon hitting the bowl was the only sound heard throughought the room. Ryan was thinking, their spoon playing with the Oh's in his bowl. While neither had looked up and made eye contact they knew what the other was thinking.

It seemed both were thinking along the lines of "with our luck, our next boyfriend will be just like us. Dysphoric."

Ryan sighed after a few moments, causing brendon to look at them.

"My voice. My body hair. My," They sighed, "my thingy." Brendon nodded in understanding. "And i, I dont care about the nicknames, really i love them. And id like to stay your boyfriend, signifacant other sounds like im not human, and partner sounds like a cowboy. 'M not a cowboy." They whisper the last part, being completely serious but understanding why brendon chuckled.

"Ok baby, I know."

They'd waited a week before they redowloaded Tinder. Checking to make sure their biography was perfect, and their photos were ok. Brendon went ahead and deleted their conversation with dallon.

Four months. Four months of self discovery and helping Ryan figure themself out and dates. All conversations went well online, but as soon as they got in person, something went wrong.

They'd made a list just to laugh at, consisting of (but not limited to)-

- Looks like my dad

- Older than my dad

- Is a dad

-Transphobic

-straight

-Doesnt approve littles

-Just wants a friend

-Blind?

-In a closed relationship

-Seriously how many blind people use tinder?

And every guy they swiped on, looked nice, but that didn't always translate to their personality.

But then there was Josh.