Loving The Russian Mafia

Chapter 29: He'll always find me

Vienna's POV

I groaned feeling the warm sun rays hitting my face, slowly opening my eyes the first thing I did was glance beside me to check if Ryan was still in bed or not and to my relief he wasn't...his side of bed was a little cold which meant that he hasn't been there in a while.

I sighed as I lied alone on his king sized bed, wearing his shirt which I myself got off him last night, staring at the ceiling I recalled the events of last night...which were enough to give me goosebumps.

But I'm just glad and relieved that he woke up before me because honestly I don't know how to even face him after last night because on one side I say that I don't want to be with him...that I want to go as far away from him as possible but then the next moment I sleep with him.

What does that say about me?

What kind of person does that makes me?

A person with no self-control?

Or no self-esteem maybe?

Because after last night it's clear that I say something else and I do something entirely different. But it's just that when it comes to him...I-I just can't stay true to my own words...which were that I want to stay away from him...that I don't want him in my life.

And if I don't want to be with him then I sure as hell shouldn't have slept with him last night...but I did.

I don't regret it...in fact it was another one of those amazing nights that I have spend with him but...it just wasn't right...it's seems like I'm playing with him...with his feelings, where on one hand I push him away and then the next moment I find myself in his arms, which is not right...I'm confusing him.

Last night would have surely given him the impression that I'm slowly accepting him back into my life...that I'm slowly giving in...which is not true.

Not true at all.

Or is it? My subconscious popped the question.

Because lately you haven't been doing much to get away from him...to leave him, She threw another judgement at me, not giving me enough time to ponder upon what she asked earlier.

Maybe last night was just a sign that knowingly or unknowingly...willingly or unwillingly, you are accepting him back into your life, She added putting me into a debate with myself.

No no.

That's not true.

That's absolute bullshit.

I cannot and will never accept him while he is still a mafia.

Sure if he leaves all this and comes back to me as the guy I fell in love with...as the guy who had nothing to do with this kind of dangerous world...as the guy whom I never even saw holding a gun, then I'll accept him with all my heart...I'll love him with everything that I have...for as long as I shall live.

But what if what my subconscious just said is true?

And I'm just in denial?

My subconscious is a part of me after all.

What if I'm unknowingly giving in and accepting to live my life with a mafia?

Am I really giving in?

Am I really ready to accept this kind of life with him?

Am I really getting so weak at the hands of my own love for Ryan that I'm ready to accept spending the rest of my life with a mafia? A criminal? Which I kept denying and was against ever since I met him again...since the very moment I came to know that he is a mafia now.