Dear Diary

Chapter 43

I stood there staring at my shoes for such a long time that I felt my neck start to cramp from the unnatural angle. 

I didn't know what to do. I was scared of him, I couldn't deny it. What he had done had unsettled me more than I ever thought it would, but my heart was begging for me to go after him: to find out if there was a reason for his violence. 

He couldn't just switch back to his old ways so quickly ... could he?

I didn't know what to think anymore. My heart was entreating me to find him, because he seemed put out by my response and that made me feel guilty, but my brain held me back. He had shown me what he was capable of. He was dangerous. If he turned on his own family like that ... What would he do to me?

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. My brain was exhausted from all this thinking and emotional overload. Honestly, this one day feels like it started a month ago. I walked to one of the desks and sat down crossing my arms on top of the desk to lean my forehead against them. 

"What should I do?" I muttered, half to myself and half in prayer.

Then a thought suddenly struck me. I always knew that Cole had a violent side to him. The third time I saw him, he had been in a fight, but ... he had never once directed that violence at me. The Cole that he showed the world was violent, distant and temperamental, but the Cole that he showed me ... was one who helped me out the rubbish bin and held my hand when I was scared, had all the patience in the world for my hopeless maths brain, carried me to my mother's car when I was injured and held me so gently as though he was scared to hurt me as he comforted me in the bathroom. 

That was the Cole I knew. The real one which hid behind the Cole he portrayed to the whole world.

My head snapped up to the classroom clock to see that half an hour had passed. I didn't waste another second as I jumped out of my seat and tore down the hall. I ran as fast as I could to the parking lot and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw his motorbike still in its parking bay. 

At least he hadn't left the school grounds yet.

But when I looked around, I didn't see him anywhere. However, I got a feeling of where he might be and quickly made my way towards it. Although when I was about a hundred metres away, I purposely slowed my pace to try and not sound breathless if he was there.

As I drew closer to the small indent in the wall, I felt my chest lift when I saw the tiniest bit of smoke swirling into the air. I suddenly got cold feet. 

What exactly was I doing here? Why did I rush out to try and find him? I could almost picture my brain glaring at my heart, giving it the I-told-you-so look, but I sighed and steeled both organs as I slowly peeked around the corner to make myself known.

Cole was leaning against one side of the wall with one foot propped up against it as he took a long, slow draw from the cigarette in his left hand, while his other hand was stuffed in his pants pocket. 

His eyes slowly trailed to my face and he held my gaze for a moment before lowering the cigarette away as he blew the smoke slowly out of his mouth. I watched for a moment as the tattoos on his arm seemed to swirl from the action. 

"What are you doing here?"

The one question I was hoping he wouldn't ask. I ignored the suffocating smell of the smoke and shrugged my shoulders. 

"I don't know," I muttered truthfully. 

I watched him drop the cigarette to the ground and stomped on it with the foot he had been leaning with against the wall. The action brought my attention to the four other ends that littered the ground.