Dear Diary

Chapter 115

Sophia was completely silent as she stared at her father whose gaze was focused on the linoleum flooring beneath his boots. For a moment, neither of them said a word before Cole took a deep breath and continued to speak, his voice laden with thick emotion that had never been there before.

"Smith had flown you back to the U.S. instantly. Our medic was worried you'd gained a lung infection from inhaling too much smoke. But I stayed back and had my surviving men sort out the mess of the battle and go through the rubble of the orphanage. I was still in such a state of shock by the fact that she was gone that I had to make sure ..." Cole trailed off.

He gritted his teeth and closed his eyes tightly, appearing to fight something in his mind. "It was probably the worst thing I could've done. They found her and I ... Every time I think of her now I can't get that image out of my head." 

He took a shaky breath as he closed his eyes for a moment and reached for something inside his shirt.

Sophia's eyes flickered to a small object that was threaded through a small gold chain. It was a small misshaped gold band; a wedding ring. 

Cole's eyes focused on it and he spoke in a low voice. "It's all I have left of her ... except you."

Sophia didn't say anything as she watched her father enclose the ring in a fist and she saw the sheer pain on his face as he did so.

Cole swallowed thickly and licked his lips slightly. "I ... I was the reason your mother died," his voice wavered slightly as he shook his head. "I was supposed to protect her, and I couldn't. I should've done more. Despite what she said, I should've gotten her home the minute I heard she was expecting. If I had ... you wouldn't have grown up without a mother."

Sophia blinked away the tears threatening to show in her eyes as she cleared her throat, trying to wrap her head around all that she'd learned. "Why ... didn't you ever tell me this?"

Cole let out a deep sigh as he threaded his fingers in his hair. He still had yet to look her in the eye. "When Elizabeth died ... something changed in me. Even now I still battle to think of what happened to her. In such a short time, I found out I was going to be a father. Then only three days later, she died in front of my eyes. It was too painful to speak about. I nearly died from the heartache of losing her. It took me years to try and come to grips with what happened, and it was in that time that you stayed with your mom's parents." 

Sophia blinked at that. She could vaguely remember meeting her grandparents, but she never recalled living with them. "You ... abandoned me?" she said slowly.

"No!" Cole replied instantly as his gaze lifted to hers and Sophia instantly noticed the red tint of his eyes. "No," he repeated a little slower. "The reason you lived with your grandparents was because of my position in the army. Someone needed to look after you, and I hadn't finished my tours yet. That and also, I had no clue on how to look after a small infant."

"So ..." Sophia paused, choosing her words carefully, "if I lived with my grandparents ... why did you take me back?"

Cole sighed and looked away. "The fact that I never saw you didn't sit well with me. By the time I completed my tours, you were already five years old. I visited you as often as I could but my last tour took a little longer than expected. I knew that I couldn't miss any more of your life, so I liaised with your grandparents for you to live with me. Your grandmother was not impressed with me, she said that I would never be able to handle a child if I couldn't even protect her own grown-up daughter."

Sophia watched her dad flinch at those words and Sophia noted that clearly her grandmother never wanted her mother and father to be together, even when though they had her father's blessing.