Dear Diary

Chapter 77

The whole day I was nothing but a stress-ball, dreading the looming confrontation with Cole for tutoring. I didn't even have a proper night's sleep because of it. The whole six hours of school I avoided Cole like the plague, but only when Richard was walking me towards Mr Tuttle's classroom did I realise that I couldn't run away any longer.

When I entered the classroom I was relieved to see it empty. Was it bad for me to hope that Cole suddenly came down with something and wouldn't be able to tutor me today? But that thought flew out the window when Cole entered, looking as healthy and handsome as ever.

I avoided his gaze as I slowly sat down in our usual spot and began taking out books. I could feel his heated gaze on my face, but I tried to ignore it as I opened to the latest chapter we've been doing in class: Euclidean Geometry, my favourite – not.

"So, you're just going to ignore me?" Cole asked as he slowly walked towards me with his arms crossed over his chest.

I bit the inside of my cheek. "No, I was just about to ask if we could go over yesterday's homework," I muttered as I continued to stare at my textbook.

I jumped slightly when Cole gripped the corner of my textbook and closed it in my face, but I refused to look up at him. "Stop avoiding me," he stated lowly.

I mashed my lips together, my heartbeat increasing in speed. "Please ... can we just work?"

I felt Cole bend slightly so he was closer to my downcast face, but I refused to meet his gaze. "No, we have more pressing matters to discuss; like what happened,"

"Almost happened," I corrected quietly and glanced up at him.

I noticed a muscle in his jaw tick as he watched me closely. "You didn't want it to happen?"

I looked back down at my textbook and swallowed. It's not like I didn't want it to happen just ... it couldn't happen. But how do I tell Cole that without hurting him? 

"Look," I whispered after a moment's deliberation, "You don't owe me an explanation, I don't owe you one. So, let's forget about it."

I opened my textbook but huffed when Cole immediately closed it again. "I'm tired of pretending to forget things whenever you're concerned, Elizabeth. We've both done it too often this year and now we need to talk about it."

Well, now that he mentioned it, there was something I just wanted to clarify. 

I looked up at him to gauge his reaction carefully.  "Were you under any influence when you almost ..." I trailed off, suddenly losing my confidence.

Cole gave me a look of disbelief. "No," he replied, a mixture of shock and slight offence.

I nodded and looked down, biting my lip. So he knew what he was doing the whole time. The thought made my insides feel queasy. 

"There, we talked," I muttered, hoping that would end it and we could work.

"That wasn't talking, Elizabeth. That was you asking one question."

"Well, what do you want me to say?" I finally snapped as I looked back up at him. "That the near-kiss made me feel so much guilt because I then felt like I had cheated on my fake-boyfriend/best friend? Or the fact that your actions throughout the night were so out of character that I couldn't help but think that you were under some kind of influence? And that only made me feel worse about myself for letting it go so far, because I know for a fact that someone as good-looking as you would never give a second glance to someone like me! Is that what you want to hear?" Then lowering my voice I added, "Why were you like that anyway?"

Cole stared at me shocked for a moment before he sighed and ran a hand through his chocolate locks. "I want to tell you but ... not here."

"Why not?" I challenged and Cole gestured to the corner of the room with his eyes. I trailed mine in the direction and spotted the camera. "Oh." 

I had completely forgotten that was there. My eyes widened to the size of saucers. It didn't pick up sound, did it? I suddenly felt like I needed to get out the classroom before I made an even bigger fool of myself. 

"Well ... where do you want to talk then?"

"I know a place. Come on." 

Cole turned and headed out the classroom. I paused for a moment, wondering if it was a good idea for me to follow. We won't go off the school grounds, will we? I slowly stood and followed after him, but once we were out of the camera's sight, Cole grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together.

The action shocked me and I attempted to move my hand away, but he only held on tighter. If I didn't know any better, I would think Cole was afraid I'll run away first chance I get, but Cole doesn't get scared. Besides he could probably catch me in five seconds with those long legs of his.

I quietly allowed myself to be led along (and I was definitely not paying attention to how nice it felt for him to hold my hand) and I raised an eyebrow when we arrived at the lockers. Still holding my hand, Cole entered his combination with the other and shrugged off his bag as he pulled out a white helmet and handed it to me.

My heart picked up speed as I hesitantly took it and watched him grab a black helmet with a tinted screen and tucked it under his arm. He then placed his bag in the empty locker and closed it before tugging me after him.

My legs slowly turned to lead when I realised we were walking towards the parking lot and, more specifically, Cole's black motorbike. My whole body tensed as we neared the machine and I felt my throat constrict in fear. 

"Cole?"

"Yes?" he asked as he continued to walk towards the bike.

My grip tightened on the white helmet and his hand. "A-Are we riding that?" I asked and my voice shook slightly.

"Yes."

And just like that, ten metres from the bike, I dug my heels into the ground forcing Cole to stop. He looked back at me confused, but his eyes widened when he caught sight of my face and turned completely to face me. 

I quickly shook my head. "I-I'm not getting on there."

I tried to force the memories desperately pushing into my mind at bay as I swallowed thickly. Now I know I might seem like a big baby, refusing to get on a bike after seven years since ... but I was traumatised by what happened and fear is a very powerful thing that doesn't always lessen with time ... Sometimes it grows worse.

"Elizabeth, it's fine. Nothing's going to happen," Cole tried to reassure me, but I only began to backpedal like a spooked horse.

I shook my head frantically as I tried to pull my hand from his grasp, but it was impossible with our interlaced fingers.

"N-No," I stuttered as I felt tears claw at my eyes and the memories slowly started pushing through my mind.

Cole pulled me to a stop as he stared at me anxiously, but the flashbacks were hitting me full force now as I stared at the bike. My hands started shaking and hot tears slowly leaked from my eyes.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Cole attempted to soothe me and I closed my eyes tightly to try and push the memories away. But an image pressed through, a nightmare I often dreamed, where I see Seth lying face down on the ground with a mangled, smoking bike on top of him. Only this time, it was no longer Seth I saw on the ground but ... Cole.

And I freaked.