jolivia•rini•hsmtmts

^hers

Ricky stumbled onto the stage clapping to get people to get ready donned in the most ridiculous Zac Efron wig she had ever seen, everything was all fun and games for Nini until she saw Ricky and Gina high five. Seemingly nothing but the way they clinged onto each other's hands and held each other close made her heart ache. Trying to ignore it, she made quips about Ricky's hair as Gina of course got it correct on the first try. But it backfired, Gina comforted Ricky with a small pat on the back and Ricky just looked even more distance from her which was understandable considering the awkward night that Ricky nearly stayed over. Standing on the stage feeling more than awkward when she saw Gina talking to EJ. Gina just couldn't stay away from either of the boys that used to be her's. 

"Do you like Ricky or something?" EJ accused, 

"So what if i do?" Gina burst out. Nini looked up at the sound, the look on her face betrayed her, she was upset. But she had no right to be, of course Gina would like Ricky. Who wouldn't? He was attractive, funny, talented, and she'd let him go. He had every right to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted. Even if it was the girl fighting to replace her and vying for her spot in their friendship group. 

The next rehearsal, she was just minding her buisness trying to pretend she didn't care but of couse it was then Ricky and Gina walked in laughing and smiling. He made her happy, like she used to. It was a constant argument between the rationality, reality and love in her brain. Even though she and Ricky were over and she'd just got out of what seemed like an idylic relationship with EJ (until the phone incident, obviously) but she couldn't help but feel jealous over a boy that she wasn't sure was ever really her's. He'd never loved her and it wasn't his fault he moved on so quickly, she kinda forced him into it with the EJ situation. But she had always thought in the back of her mind Ricky might come back to her and they would be together. The way she always agreed and supported him annoyed her, the way she was always the focus of his attention and she was obviously relishing it annoyed her too. She was fed up of EJ trying to redeem herself, in her mind he was just a blip in judgement on her way back to Ricky but now she'd never go back to Ricky. She couldn't help but follow the soothing sound of his singing that used to be solely heard in her bedroom. Staring longingly at his concentrated but slightly uncomfortable face she soaked in the music. Maybe he did want to be with her, maybe they could talk about it and the l-word wouldn't matter they could just be Ricky and Nini again. Bestfriends and sometimes more. But that fantasy imploded around her as her vision expanded to see Ricky sitting serenading Gina. Oh. His music was her's too now, even that didn't remain sacred for them to share. Maybe soon he'd be calling her Gigi or Gini. Anger pumped through her, she couldn't stand her and watched him fall in love with another girl. She could practically feel him get over her. 

As they piled into Big Red's basement, she remembered the last time she'd been here. She, Ricky and Big Red were planning to go to six flags, despite the disastrous event that involved the loss of her favourite shoes. But she did gain a new favourite pair that day. Ricky and her had been sat in the orange chair... the very one he was sat in now but there was one difference: instead of her perched on his knee there was Gina leant against the arm. There was a moment, when she felt like they were  Ricky and Nini again. 

"Family"

She'd always thought she could read Ricky's mind and it felt like this again. All they could do was look into each other's teary eyes. But they had to quickly snap out of it as Ricky returned to his seat by Gina. She couldn't prise her eyes off of him. 

The one thing Gina couldn't take away from her or replace was the childhood Ricky and Nini shared. She was reminded of all the love their families shared as her mom backed up Mike when he was defending Miss Jenn. She smiled at the loving speech Mike spouted about his son, she'd noticed the change too. He was different, he was happier and she loved seeing it even if it meant letting him leave her. Grinning conspiritorily at him, she pointed with a wink to signal starting their number. She couldn't help but trace his movements and his body as he dance and sung to save their beloved teacher but as she watched him, he was watching Gina and Gina was watching right back. Floating above board, she was handling it. She could deal with looks and smiles. But when she saw the way he hugged her, like she was everything, she was drowning. Suffocating, being swallowed up by waves of loss. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw EJ noting her expression. Twisting and racing through the combs of people, she rushed out of the cafeteria. 

By the next rehearsal, Nini had successfully ignored it all for a week. She ignored the blatant staring from Gina while Ricky sung with her. It undercuts the chemistry they were feeling as the room buzzed and wizzed around them in the chaotic scene it felt like it was only them. Them being Ricky and Nini with Gina watching over them like a hawk. She also ignored the way Gina moved away upset when she and Ricky were talking. Another thing she ignored, was the second high five handhold that Ricky and Gina had. 

All she could think of was how cute Ricky looked in that hat. She almost missed it when he said "we" But then there she was, she looked amazing, she was carrying gluten free cupcakes and she had made him a hat. Gina was everything Nini never was and could only ever wish to be. They had inside jokes, they were a we and they fit in perfectly with everyone. She felt like an outsider in a group full of outsiders and cast outs. And of course she would be all apologetic and sympathetic, as much as she wanted to hate her she just couldn't. When they joked about swapping bodies all she could think was. I wish I was you. She wanted Ricky, she wanted the way everyone loved and respected Gina. Maybe she could grow to love her too, she'd do that for Ricky. She ignored the palpatations of her heart as he legs lied between Ricky's while she was spread over the group. The facade of Gina's perfection began to crumble as she got the dreaded call from her mom. Nini couldn't help but feel bad she felt as if her pittiful jealousy had somehow willed this into exsistence. Scambling after the displaced girl, Nini rambled about the cupcakes and was soon confronted with Ricky probably preparing to follow Gina. 

"Sound familiar?" He accused. She wished he would shout or scream or do something. The way he wouldn't even look at her hurt more than any argument they could possibly have. She tried to help, sacrifice their friendship to make him happy but it only made it worse. 

"I don't need advice from a buddy right now"

His words stung deep into her skin, she was left stunned as he left. Her own words were thrown back into her face like a grenade, exploding on impact and ruining any chance they had together. She left as soon as she could possibly. As soon as she got home she threw herself into her chair and dived into her music. 

"Don't fit in with all these familiar faces" 

She felt alone in a crowed room full of people who claimed to love her but it seemed like they wouldn't even noticed if it was Gina in her place. As she gave up on her ukulele she scrolled through instagram. One of the first pictures she saw was Emily preparing for a show. It felt like a sign, now they had just saved their own show. It was finally time to let them go.

She needed to leave behind the idyllic promise of EJ and everything he used to offer.

She needed to leave behind the way she felt Gina was pushing her out of her place. Maybe it wasn't her's. 

She needed to find her own place she could call her's. Maybe that place was the youth actor's conservatory.

And, she needed to leave behind Ricky and let him live his life. She would only hinder him. She came to terms with the fact that Ricky didn't love her. It was okay. 

She would be okay. Without him.