I Love You

eighteen

School dragged on. The first month was horrendous. In some of my classes, I had no idea what was happening, not even the slightest clue of what we might be learning about. All my other classes were somewhat easy but they were so goddamn boring.

Meanwhile, Billie and I decided to break the news to my roommates. Dani was surprised, Nicole insisted she "KNEW IT!!!". It felt so good to have Billie. The girls would give us cute smiles every time they saw us together, which was all the time, and it only caused me to get even more snuggly with Bil.

"How was class today baby?" Billie asked me as I sat between her legs, leaning my back against her front, comfy on my bed. Nicole and Dani were in their beds, trying their best to mind their own business, but I couldn't be bothered by them.

I just got back from Marketing 1, my last class of the week. The sun began to set from our view out of the dorm window.

"Awful. Boring. Nothing near what I want to do with the rest of my life."

She pouted at my response. "I'm sorry baby," she said. At this point everyone knew how much I hated school, just not my mother.

"I still need to give this a chance though. Maybe I'll change my major to studio in art like I want to, but I could minor in business and maybe my mom would be okay with it," I tried to think of a reasonable solution. I knew damn well Mom wouldn't be okay with that. "But this is honestly worse than high school."

"That'd be dope as fuck," Billie replied. 

"But I'm not even sure about studio in art. I wouldn't make money. Fuck I don't know what to do with my life and I'm already in too deep," I complained, leaning my head back to lean on Billie's shoulder, looking up at the bottom of the mattress above us.

"Well I make decent money with a career in the arts," Billie giggled. "Anything's possible."

"Shut the fuck up."

"I know this would probably cause a lot of problems, but you know you could always just take a year off. Or even just a semester. Talk to someone in the financial aid part of this shit and see if they'd understand. If they don't, they're assholes."

"That would be so nice, but my mom? Also where would I live? No shot my mom would understand and let me back home."

"You could research more about possible careers and intern at different places and shit. Experience life more and figure out what would make you happy," Billie explained further as she hugged me close, ignoring my negative response.

"There's a spare room at my place if you need it for a couple weeks," I heard Dani's voice chip in from the bunk above us. I forgot they were here.

"Chill. This isn't happening," I said, trying not to think about how nice a break from school would be. "I just gotta suck it up and start paying attention in class."

"Okay baby," Billie said, resting her chin on my shoulder. "But it's your life. You're stuck with this shit babe. Please don't be afraid to do what's right for you." She sorta had a point.

"I'll still be your friend if you abandon us," Nicole joked from her top bunk that was across from Billie and I. 

I rolled my eyes. "Who said I want to be your friend?" we all laughed as I threw my pillow up at her.

"Ew I don't want a new roommate. No one could replace you babe," Dani joked from the bunk above us.

Billie eventually went home to her own bed so I could get my homework done. Dani and Nicole left to find some Friday night frat party to get in to. I was alone with my shitty homework. Billie's suggestion wouldn't leave my head. 

If I took the year off, I could do so much with all that freedom. I could intern at different types of art studios maybe. I've always wanted to try graphic design, maybe I'd give that a shot and see if I wanted to do that. 

As a matter of fact, I've always wanted to try everything art related. Maybe I could dip my toes into ceramics. Or illustrating. My mind raced at the endless possibilities. 

It was eventually shut down by my realization of reality. People in charge of financial aid probably won't understand, I could lose my scholarship. If my mom even let me back home, I'd never hear the end of it. If she didn't let me back, where would I go? How would I pay for my basic needs?

I also could just not tell my mom. That'd save me from the shame.

I could take Dani's offer. I'd start saving and eventually find a cheap apartment with some roommates. My mom would never find out. I could do an internship but also have a real job that pays. I could dedicate my spare time to exploring my hobbies and researching.

Fuck why didn't I just do this over the summer instead of being an idiot?

I walked over to my closet and took out my guitar. I needed to stop thinking about this. I had an exciting feeling of hope and it worried me. I picked at different strings on my guitar for a little while, trying not to think about anything, enjoying the sounds I created.

Lyrics formed in my brain, but I didn't write them down. Eventually I fell asleep, my mind never fully dropping the topic of my future.

I woke up the next morning, someone was nudging at my leg, I felt their weight sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Bitch we got plans. You slept in dummy," Billie said as I opened my eyes to focus on her, stretching my arms up over my head. She was sitting at the end of my bed, her hand was littered with jewelry, placed on my shin.

"Fuck. You're right, it's Saturday. Sorry, I don't know why I'm so tired."

I looked around, clothes were everywhere and I saw Nicole passed out in her bunk. As I got up and got dressed, I saw Dani also in her bed, fast asleep. I kept my voice low as I spoke with Billie, just in case the girls woke up with hangovers, which they most likely would.

I pulled Billie in for a hug after getting some skinny jeans and a hoodie on. "Missed you baby, let's go get breakfast."

She laughed as she led me out of the room by my hand, "Well it's 12:30 so it probably counts as lunch now." 

I groaned in response, "You sound like my mother."

"Eeeeeew noooo," she laughed with me as we left the room, now approaching the elevator.

"I thought about what you said last night..."

 a short lil chapter, poor baby jade is lost. ima try updating more <3 I miss seeing your responses. thanks for voting everyone :)