I Love You

twenty

"So what do you need to do?" Billie asked about my situation as she sat down on the bed next to me.

"I can qualify for some sort of 'creative studies' scholarship if I write an 8 page essay about what art means to me and show them a piece of my art work."

"You have artwork?" she asked.

"Well I guess. I have a sketchbook filled with shitty drawings," I laughed. "And I have a notebook filled with cringe worthy poems and lyrics."

"You didn't fucking tell me you write?!" Billie seemed excited. 

"Yeah, I don't know, sometimes it just comes out," I admitted.

"Well fucking show me!" she jumped out of my bed and pulled me up with her. My notebooks and sketchbooks were pretty personal, so I hesitated as I pulled one out of my desk drawer. I reminded myself it was okay. Billie is my girlfriend, and an artist, she's not gonna judge my shitty lyrics, she'll understand.

I reached under my bed for my guitar as I sat back down on the bed, opening my notebook. Billie looked shocked as she sat at Nicoles desk chair across from me.

Billie knew I played guitar but I think she just thought it was just part of me being gay. Not that I actually play it as like my therapy and write lyrics every once in a while. My notebook was filled with little sketches and scribbles.

I had a weird way of writing music. I can't exactly read sheet music that well, or understand it at all for that matter. So I sorta have my own little music language that only I can understand. It's easier for me when I write drum solos down in my notebook and when I come up with strumming patterns or picking patterns on my guitar. It almost resembles guitar tabs but it's not as clear.

"How can you read that shit?" Billie joked, looking at my notebook as I tuned my guitar.

I shrugged. "I made it up in middle school. It's like my own little music language made up of symbols and letters," I laughed, trying not to seem as weird as it was. 

She looked a little impressed but still curious. "You gotta teach me that. It looks so fucking cool. One day I could just write a song in your language and show it to Finneas, make him feel so stupid," she joked with me. It made me feel better about my notebook.

"I like that sketch right there, what does it say around it?" she was pointing to a page that was filed with my music notes, sketches, and lyrics all in one.

"Well thats a rose. It's surrounded in a mysterious dark pattern because thats how the guitar chords felt to me that day," I began to explain to her. "The words surrounding it are the lyrics."

"That's kinda how I write too," she looked into my eyes as she spoke, seeming almost impressed that I had this side of me. "What does 8/6 mean?" she pointed to the corner of the page.

"That's the date, stupid," I joked with her as I started to pick at the strings on my guitar to the tune of the song written down in front of me. "When I wrote this."

"This is pretty as fuck," she commented at my choice of chords.

In an effort to stall before actually showing her the song, I explained a little background, "This was from when you left for DC after you slept over that one time." She smiled at the memory.

"You're mom was so nice. It's so weird to imagine her being so stuck up about your major."

I ignored her comment because I didn't necessarily feel like thinking about my mom in that moment. I think Bille realized that as she stopped talking about it and quietly listened to my guitar. 

I finally continued, "I realized how big of a crush I had on you once you left," I smiled, looking over to her to see her blush. "But I felt a little discouraged because you were still straight in my mind," she scrunched her nose up at the idea of being straight, which made me laugh. "So I wrote this song to get it out of my system."

"Yeah the dark, creepy, rose is fitting," she smiled at me. 

"Love it beautiful, but it feels dark when it's impossible love," I explained the drawing that went with my lyrics. She rolled her desk chair closer to me as she leaned in for a cute little kiss. I saw her blush a little before I closed my eyes and her lips met mine.

"You're beautiful," she insisted. "I don't think I've ever had a song written about me. It was always the other way around," she added. 

"Sing the fucking song already, goddamn," she yelled playfully at me after I remained silent.

"We'll play Nintendo...

though I always lose..

cause you watch the TV...

While I'm watching you..."

My voice shook a little as a the song came to an end, showing how nervous I really was to show her.

"Bro that's fucking beautiful," she said after a minute of silence. She plopped down on the bed next to me and reached her hand out to my cheek, pulling me in for a kiss. It wasn't that long of a kiss, but it was very passionate.

She gushed about the song and what she liked about it for a couple minutes. It was so nice to see her positive reaction.

"What's this part?" she pointed to some of my gibberish that was on the page. "I tried to understand your music language and it made a little sense but I don't get this part," she laughed. She was pointing to my drumming pattern. I clearly didn't play any drums for her just now so I just ignored the drum section of the page, forgetting it was there.

"Those are the drums. It's my drum language," I laughed nervously.

"You play the fucking drums?!" she asked surprised. "That's so fucking hot why didn't you tell me you're a fucking boss as this music shit?!" she complimented me.

"I thought you knew I play drums and guitar!" I said, causing her to respond about how guilty she feels for not knowing this part of me.

We talked about music for a little bit longer, looking through a couple more pages of the notebook before we decided she had to go so I could write this essay.

She spoke to me as she put her Jordans on, "I think you should start by exploring with music. Maybe I'm fucking biased but music is the best, and you're the best at it."

I smiled at her kindness, getting up to hug her goodbye. "I'm serious, once you're out of school lets go to a studio and fuck around, see how you feel about it."

I agreed to her offer as I walked her to the elevator.

The essay practically started writing itself once I sat back down in my dorm. Dani and Nicole got back from getting their dinner, but I barely noticed them, I was in the zone. 

I was already halfway done with it by the time I decided to get ready for bed.

hey guys I don't write songs so I wasn't going to attempt to make up lyrics in this chapter. the song I refer to is actually called "Nothing" by Bruno Major. It matched the vibe I was looking for. listen to it if you want to know what jade is singing.