I Love You

nineteen

I'm not in college yet so I'm making this shit up. I have a loose understanding of how it actually works. Sorry if it's inaccurate. oh well.

"It's possible."

"I know. That's the scary part," I responded. She laughed. "It's gonna be so hard."

"That's what she said," Billie said under her breath, trying not to laugh. 

I shot her a look. "This is serious!"

"I know, I know," she defended herself, "but you fucking set me up! How could I not?". I kept looking at her disapprovingly. "Ok but seriously. I could help you out too. I have a lot of friends with careers in art, do you have any idea what kind of art is your favorite? I could find people who can help you with no problem babe."

"Yeah. Exploring my likes and dislikes isn't the issue though."

"I could help you in the other ways too," she insisted, encouraging me. "You could stay with me for a bit. I know you won't like it but I can help pay for shit."

"Billie I can't depend on you. We just started dating I can't just instantly become your sugar baby," I joked with her, but I was still serious, and she knew it.

"Okay but why not?" she smiled, nudging my leg under the table with her foot. She took a bite of the burrito that was on a plate in front of her. We were sitting in the deli that was on campus. We liked this place because there was never anyone here.

We decided to walk to the deli and we passed the Taco Bell on the way. I refused to have another Taco Bell date so she got herself a burrito and brought it to the deli where I ordered a bacon egg and cheese on an everything bagel.

"Billie, I don't know what I'm gonna do," I said as I finished up the first half of my bagel.

"Try to remember babe, you're young. You can do whatever the fuck you want, you have so much time," I nodded as she spoke to me. 

"How about this," she began, "let's just fantasize for a minute. Like we're in a perfect world." I watched her as I ate, waiting for her to continue. "Financial aid says they'll give you some time. You pack your shit and you can leave it at my place. You spend a couple weeks at Dani's or at my place."

"Okay," I said as she took a second to take another bite.

"You get a job and do some apartment and roommate hunting," she continued through a mouthful of beans. "I lend you a lil to help you out until you're somewhat stable," I shot her a look. "And you accept it humbly," she quickly added with a smile before I could say anything.

"You don't say nothing to Mom," she added. "You get a cheap place and explore your artistic talents as I help you find a nice internship or a free art course maybe. You're positive about art?"

"Yeah. No clue specifically what type, but I genuinely enjoy it all."

"Well, we can find out together," she said through a smile. "And that's the end of the fantasy. Then you'd go back to school and become a rich-ass successful-ass artist of some sort. You'll be so badass."

"You're right." I said after a minute of thought. "I'm young. Now is my chance."

If I'm being honest, I think music might be my favorite. I play guitar and drums, when I play it just feels so good and so freeing. When I write lyrics, it just flows perfectly and feels amazing to get it out. I was learning piano too, which might almost be as fun as the drums, I could sit at my keyboard at home for hours, teaching myself a million songs.

Not to mention my fascination with already existing music, artists, and all the history behind it.

Was I going to tell Billie, the goddess of music, that music might be my choice? No I was not.

"Let's do this," I said after we were silently eating and thinking to ourselves for a few minutes.

Billie looked shocked as she swallowed her last bite, crumpling up the paper plate and putting it into the Taco Bell bag. "Really babe?" she asked excitedly, her eyebrows lifted up.

"The least I could do is talk to Financial Aid or my counselor," I said. She nodded in agreement. "If it goes well, I'll tell my mom later and give her a chance to defend her argument." Billie looked at me disapprovingly in response.

"Nah. Fuck 12."

"That doesn't even make sense."

As we walked out of the deli I realized I had a lot of homework to do, since I didn't get any done last night. This realization led Billie and I straight to the door of the student help center.

Well first I walked Billie back to her car and she drove us there. "Good luck," she quickly kissed me goodbye as we began to get noticed by passing pedestrians. 

The student help center was a little empty. I wasn't even sure I was in the right place but I figured I'd ask the front desk, and so I did. The secretary sent me to my counselor who was on the third floor.

"I don't like business," I began to explain. "I only chose it because of my mom. I tried to give it a chance but it's dreadful," I added before the nice lady could say anything. She still seemed concerned. Her name was Kathy or Ms. Carter. She said she didn't care what I called her, she looked fairly young. Ms. Carter was dressed modestly, khakis and a dark, long-sleeved turtle neck.

I explained to her what I hoped could happen, we got into a very long and detailed conversation about every possible solution to consider before I just gave up. After thoroughly talking it through, we decided it was probably best if I took a year off to explore (I didn't mention how pissed my mom would be). 

She then referred me to the financial aid section of the building, the left side of the second floor. Ms. Carter explained they shouldn't be that busy since it was a Saturday, but they might be going home soon so I should either go asap or go schedule an appointment.

They looked over my information after I described my request. I asked for any amount of time off, even just a semester. I sat in a chair in front of the nice mans desk as he looked over everything, silently nodding. He was old-ish, probably like 60, grey hair, a little overweight, wearing boring office clothes, with his reading glasses on.

It seemed like a while I was just sitting there with him. He asked a question about my background here and there just to confirm.

Eventually he took his reading glasses off and tore his gaze away from the computer screen to meet mine. "It's a difficult situation because your scholarship is for business," He said eventually. I nodded in understanding, preparing myself for some discouraging news. 

"But I see here, you could very well be eligible for some sort of art scholarship. I would need to confer with some others in the department but it's possible you can get up to two semesters off, not counting the one we are currently in," He added. 

Holy shit this might actually happen.

"Your counselor emailed about how important this is. We want our students to be comfortable here, mentally healthy, and studying what they're interested in," He continued after I expressed my understanding.

"Here's what I'm going to leave you with; I will discuss the possibility of an art scholarship among the department members. No matter what, you'll probably have to write an essay or do a project of some sort. Try drafting an essay about how the time off will help you or why art is important to you, something along those lines.

"I will go over all of our available art related scholarships and I'll email you what is required for each, in the meantime, start brainstorming."

I left the student help center with hope. He said he would email me if I had a chance or not, meanwhile, I had an essay to write. I let Billie know immediately, to which she texted back a bunch of gibberish in all caps and eventually some words of encouragement. 

I've just been writing this book chapter by chapter, not knowing where it's going. But nowwwww I have it planned out somewhat. so yay! more updates to come