Intrulogical One Shots

"Secret"

This was requested by KoszuleczkaZmarsa!  Sorry it took so long to write (I had to do my fair share of research for this one lol).  Just a fair warning, I am definitely writing from ignorance, so feel free to correct me if I misrepresent anything. Still, I hope you like it.

(TW: Anorexia, bulimia, self-deprecation)

 It was a Saturday afternoon, and Remus and Logan were hanging around in their apartment. Logan had been busy working on his schoolwork. He was nearing the end of his first semester of college, so the workload had grown quite a bit.

"Don't you want something to eat?" Logan asked, taking a break from studying to make lunch.

"Nah. I had a late breakfast."

While Logan ate his lunch, Remus thought about when they'd first met. 3rd grade... in the cafeteria... Remus had forgotten his lunch that day, and Logan offered him half of his grilled cheese. He started sharing his lunch with Remus practically ever day, (Logan admitted later that it was mostly just an excuse to talk to him). Being the two loner-weirdos of their class, it only made sense that they eventually became the best of friends.

They stayed friends for six years before realizing that they liked each other in a more-than-friendly way. Now they had been together for five years, and things between them still felt as easy and simple as it had been all those years ago.

Well... for the most part.

Back when he lived with his parents, Remus was constantly compared to his twin brother, Roman. Roman was always the smarter one. The talented one. The handsome one. Remus could never live up to the impossible standards Roman had set. He wasn't as smart, and he just couldn't force himself to like what Roman liked.

But he could force himself to be as thin as Roman.

Remus had been p*rging since he was in the ninth grade. He'd managed to keep it a secret from his family, but it was a lot harder to hide now that he was living with someone who cares about him. Back home, as long as Roman was okay that was all that mattered. Remus could spend hours hunched over the toilet and nobody would bat an eye.

Now Remus was almost constantly being watched over and cared for. Logan was sure to freak out if he ever found out about Remus's unhealthy habit. Logan's night classes gave Remus the perfect window of time to spend in the bathroom. He would eat well enough during the day, but the second his boyfriend was gone he got rid of all of it.

"I'm leaving for class, babe." Logan called into the apartment.

"Wait!" Remus yelled. He sprinted to meet Logan at the door, and pressed a kiss on his cheek. "Okay. Go ahead."

"Weirdo." Logan chuckled. "Love you."

Remus held the door open for his boyfriend. Logan grabbed the car keys and headed for the parking garage that their apartment complex had. Logan's astronomy professor sent out a message explaining that class was canceled just after Logan found their car in the parking deck. He was disappointed to be losing a day's worth of learning, but happy to be able to spend extra time with his boyfriend. Logan turned back and made his way back to their apartment.

"Babe, I'm home! Class got canceled." Logan called into the apartment while he locked the door behind him. He didn't hear any kind of response from Remus so he decided to go look for him. "Remus?"

Suddenly Logan heard something moving in the bathroom. He approached the bathroom door and pressed his hand to the door.

"Remus? Are you in there?"

"No."

Logan shook his head and pushed open the door. Remus was hunched over the toilet, throwing up his dinner. He lifted his head to meet Logan's eyes.

"H-Hey, Lo."

"What are you doing?? Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine. I think it's just a bug." Remus lied. Logan nodded and crouched down next to his boyfriend.

"Do you need some water? A towel?"

"I'm good, thanks."

"Well what can I do to help?" Logan asked, carding his hand through Remus's hair.

Remus's heart lurched when he felt Logan's hand. He wanted to tell him everything. He wanted Logan to know. He didn't want to push his problems onto Logan... but maybe it would hurt him more to find out that Remus was hiding it from him. The reality of the situation hit Remus all at once, and he finally let the sobs he had been holding back break free.

"I'm not good enough..." Remus choked out.

"What are you talking about? Good enough for what?"

"For you. You deserve someone stable. Someone healthy. Someone like Roman."

"You think I'd rather be with someone like your brother?" Logan cupped his boyfriend's cheek. "That's absurd. You know I find Roman's... pretentious personality extremely unattractive. Why would you think I'd rather be with him?"

"You deserve someone as fit as him. He's always been the handsome one. He's the one everyone wants to be like. He's so thin and well-built. Even my parents like him better."

"Remus, look at me." Logan held his chin. "I don't want anyone but you. Physical appearance means nothing. I don't care what you look like as long as you're happy. Chasing a beauty standard isn't an agreeable practice."

"I know... I just can't help it."

"Well not by yourself." Logan kissed Remus's forehead. Hot tears spilled onto the bathroom floor. Remus felt another wave of nausea and quickly held his head over the toilet. While he threw up again, he thought about what Logan was saying. He had been trying to get better for years, but it was too easy to fall back into the habit on his own. Maybe... maybe Logan could help.

"I'm sorry..."

"No need to apologize."

"But-."

"Nope. Don't bother arguing. It's pointless to argue with me, because I won't change my mind." Logan cut him off. Remus chuckled halfheartedly.

"You're so stubborn."

"When it comes to you, yes I am."

"Dork."

"Weirdo."

Remus clung to Logan's shoulder, trying to balance himself while his head started spinning. Logan held him close and rubbed his arm gently, muttering words of encouragement.

"It's okay. You're okay. You don't have to change for anyone. Everything about you is amazing and perfect to me. I love who you are, not who you try to be like."

"Really?"

"Of course."

"I f*cking love you."

"I love you, too." Logan kissed the top of his boyfriend's head and stood up from the floor. "I'm going to go find you something to drink to settle your stomach. When you're ready, I'll be in the living room with a blanket and your serial killers coloring book."

"Okay." Remus nodded and watched Logan walk out. He knew that things would be different now, (he certainly wouldn't be able to get away with p*rging every night anymore), but maybe it was a good different.

Either way, he wanted cuddles. So he pulled himself off the floor and washed his mouth out so that Logan would let him kiss him. Once his breath was back to its normal level of smelly, he hurried out to meet his boyfriend on the couch.