ENTRY XII

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'Too Near. Yet Too Far'


Hi Baby, I know it's been a while since we last saw each other. I'm actually here in our place, in a place where only the two of us knew. Reminiscing every moments that we had when we're here.

I'm looking at the stars right now. Silently wishing for you to be here with me.

I can still remember the time when you said 'hello', and how I answered by simply glaring at you. I'm sorry for looking at you like that. I know I'm not really kind back then, up until now actually. Nagpapasalamat ako dahil sinubukan mo ulit makipag usap sa akin pagkatapos no'n.

By then, little by little, you got my attention. Everytime you showed up just to tease and make me angry, how you succeed in getting into my nerves. Pero pagkatapos, nakikipag- ayos ka rin. You gave me my favorite vanilla ice cream just so I'll forgive you, of course, I can't refuse your offer.

I clearly remember the day you introduced this beautiful place to me. You knew you'd pushed the red button in me. You saw how my parent treated me badly.

I hate it.

I hate the fact that you saw me in that situation. You saw the other side of me, you saw the weak me.

That's when you decided to bring me here. You told me that you're always coming here whenever you feel bleak and tired of something. Shouting out loud in this hill to appease your stress, and you want me to do the same, so I did.

I admit it, it makes me feel better. Since then, we became closer, closer than we can be. Right at that moment, I didn't realize that I opened up myself to you. I didn't realize that you would play a big role in my life.

Thank you for being here when I am sad. Thank you for being by myside everytime I feel so down, thank you for cheering me up. Thank you for being here in myside everytime I'm carefree. Lastly, thank you for staying. You don't know how happy I am when you told me that you're in love with me. In spite of me, not admitting to myself, I know that you already owned my heart.

Baby, you completed me. This hill testify our love for each other. My months with you are the best months of my life. I can feel your love for me. Nakikita ko sa mga mata mo kung gaano ako ka-importante sa 'yo. Iyon ang nagsisilbing lakas ko sa pang- araw araw na ginawa ng panginoon. Sa 'yo ako kumuha ng lakas para magpatuloy.

It only changed when you saw me with a guy.

I hated myself for not telling you the truth on why I am with him.

Kung sanang sinabi ko, hindi ka na maglalakas ng loob na gawin ang bagay na alam mong makakapagpasakit sa akin. You would not think to bring other woman in your apartment. You would not think to kiss her infront of me. You would not think to ignore me and go to your room with her, clinging in your arms.

It hurts.

It hurts so much, especially when you didn't even tried to explain your side. Kung sanang nagpaliwanag ka, buong puso ulit kitang tatanggapin, kakalimutan ko ang nakita ko at ibabalik ang meron tayo.

But no, you said nothing, hindi ka nagpaliwanag. You just ignored me. Nilagpasan mo ako at pumasok sa kwarto mo habang hawak hawak ang babaeng kasama mo. Sobra akong nasaktan noon, dinamdam ko ang sakit na naidulot mo sakin na sa pagmulat ng mga mata ko, puting silid at amoy ng mga gamot ang naabutan ko.

Nawalan ako ng malay habang tinatahak ang daan patungo sa lugar natin. Alam mong wala akong malalapitan, ikaw lang ang mayroon ako.

I waited for your calls, but nothing. No missed calls, no sweet messages that I always get from you everytime you make me feel hurt and jealous. Maybe that's a sign, a sign to finally let you go.

Baby, I'm sorry for giving up easily. I'm sorry if I didn't wait for you. I'm sorry if I can't no longer fight for the both of us. I'm sorry if I can't be with you forever. I'm sorry for lying that night when you saw me with Racel, tinulungan nya lang ako noon para pumunta sa doctor. Nalaman niyang may sakit ako.

Baby, I have cancer.

So I can't promise to be with you forever. I know we'll be seperated, sooner or later.

Promise me that when the time comes, when you will not able to see me anymore, you'll find someone better, someone who can stay with you forever.

I wish for your happiness. Reid, baby... please be happy. I love y

My tears won't stop falling while reading the letter she'd left. She didn't managed to finish her letter for me. Kita sa penmanship niya ang hirap na pinagdadaanan nya habang ginagawa iyon. Magulo ang sulat, hindi katulad sa sulat nya noon.

I kept the letter and looked at the girl that I have love so much. She was peacefully lying in the white bed. 3/4 of her body was covered with white sheet.

Hindi ko mapigilan ang hikbi nang marahan kong hinawakan ang pisngi nya.

If only I can turn back the time. Im willing to sacrifice anything just to be with her again. I badly want to hear her sweet voice, I wan't to see her angry face, I wan't to feel her warm and tight hugs again.

Nagsisisi ako kung bakit ako nagpadala sa selos na naramdaman ko. Kung sana ay hinintay ko syang magpaliwanag, kung sana hindi ko pinairal ang ego ko. Sana nasa tabi niya ako sa mga panahong nahihirapan siya. Sana ay ako ang huling taong nakita niya bago niya ipinikit ang mga mata niya. Sana ay sabay naming nilalabanan ang sakit niya.

I f*cking hate myself for leaving her all alone.

"Fatima, please wake up..." I begged. I desperately kissed her now paled lips.

"Please... Baby, im begging you. Give me one more chance" I hold her hands with my shaking mine.

"Baby, I love you" garalgal na sabi ko. Still no response. I hugged her body tight. I can't believe this! I just lost the girl I've love the most!

The agony I am feeling right now is just too much. It feels like my world stop spinning, it feels like a nightmare. Nanatili ako sa posisyong iyon, don't even have intention to let her go. I can't help but to cry out loud the pain that I am feeling right now.

It's 23:11.

23:07 when the doctor announced her death.

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Shade the star if this story touched your heart. You can leave a comment for me to know your reaction. Thanks for reading! Have a nice day ahead! 😊

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