The fears we share

Chapter fourteen | I don't date

"What do you mean!?" I yell at my aunt.

"He didn't want me to tell you!" She defends herself.

"So! He's my friend, I care for him!" I shout.

"I'm sorry, but it was his choice!" 

"So you told me after we went and had a fun little day? I could have been with him, talking." I say.

She sighs, "I know, I'm sorry." 

I walk upstairs, leaving her to sit in her thoughts just like I will be. Plopping on my bed I close my eyes tightly. Why? He just had to do it for me. I hate my luck so much! I groan in annoyance. When I sit up I hear a tap at my window.

I see Ben crouched down waving. Opening it quickly I back up so he can slide in.

"What're you doing here?" I squeak.

"I wanted to see you, my dad's passed out." He shrugs.

"Ben." I place my hand on his shoulder. 

"Em, I'll be fine." He says, "Just smile."

I give a forced smile before hugging him, "I'm worried."

"No need." He says rubbing my back.

"I love you." I blurt.

"What?" He asks.

"As a friend." I assure.

He sighs and smiles, I nudge him. "For now."

He chuckles lightly, "Can I clean it?" I ask.

"Huh?" 

"Your... cuts." I say.

He nods before I take his hand and lead him into my bathroom and grab the peroxide. I wipe a few cuts lightly making him wince.

"Easy." I say gripping his shoulder.

"You're rough." He says frowning.

I wipe it a little rougher the last time and wink at him. 

"I like it that way." I say laughing.

"Mmm." He hums walking out.

I follow him and sit on my bed, "What do you want to do?"

"I want to sit here and learn about you." He says leaning back on his elbows.

"Well, my dad is dead, my mom is a gremlin and my aunt is a bitch." I say.

"No." He says.

I look at him, "She's not, she was listening to me." He says.

I sigh, "I wanted to know." 

"Sometimes it isn't best." He says.

I nod understanding his logic. Especially with me. 

"When'd your mom die?" I ask.

"When I was five." He says nodding.

"Oh, sorry." I say.

He shakes his head, "It's fine, why does your mom hate you?"

"I don't know... I was just always seen as trash, a waste of space." I say remembering her awful words.

"I don't see you that way." He says smiling.

I nod while sighing, "That's one." I say.

"I adore you, you're so strong." He says.

"You should see me when my bedroom door closes at the end of the day." I say scoffing.

"Everyone has hard times." He says shrugging.

"You are not good for me." I say smiling.

He stands and opens my window, "It's time." 

I almost close the window until remembering he never said he loved me back. As a friend.

"Hey." I say.

He turns to look at me.

"You never said you love me." I scold.

He chuckles, "I'll never say that unless it's not as friends." He says.

"What's that mean?" I ask.

"I'm not admitting until you do." He says before jumping off the roof.

I watch as he walks to his car and drives away. What? 

My alarm wakes me up and I get ready quickly. I change into a pair of jeans and a black crop top.

"Morning." My aunt says.

I walk past her and grab a pen for school, "Morning." I finally let out.

I don't forgive her but it's a start. Packing my bag I take an apple for a snack and get in my car. I'm picking up Ben today, I couldn't be more excited.

"Hey!" I cheer.

He walks out in a black t- shirt and denim jeans. His hair is as perfect as ever even if it's messy. 

"Hey Em." He says.

"You look better." I say.

He nods, "He didn't wake up, no surprise." He says.

"Please do good on the tests we have today." I plead.

"I'll try." He says smiling.

We pull into the parking lot and head in. It's the same as always, there's nothing new. Classes go by and Ben is doing good, I hope. When the bell rings for the end of the day I walk out and Ben is waiting by the car.

"Hey." I say nicely.

"Hey." He says blankly.

We get in the car awkwardly, "What?" I ask.

"I heard some guys talking about you." He growls.

"So?" I ask blushing.

"I didn't like it." He says.

"Oh?" I ask trying to figure out where this is going.

"Long story short.... I went to the principles office." He says sighing.

I playfully slap his arm, "Ben." I groan.

"I couldn't help it." He says shrugging. 

"Why?" I ask watching his pouty face.

"I don't want you to date them." He grumbles.

"I don't date." I say blankly.

He snaps his head to me frowning. He nods and clears his throat.

"In that case." He says.

Something inside me churns making me feel....guilty?

"You know, 'cause I can't right now." I clear.

He nods but doesn't say anything. I drive awkwardly and drop him off, he hasn't spoke since I said I didn't date. Some stupid part of me wants him to be upset, the lovey side. I couldn't date him even if I wanted to. right?