A Dive Into My Mind

04/04/2020

Fingers crossed the person this is addressed to doesn't read it even though I want them to but my emotions as always are a weird mess. And now I'm laughing at myself. Great. Anyways go ahead.

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Dear "I am not a good person,"

You've probably moved on, I could never understand how you were able to do so this quickly, but then again it was I who fell, not you. I certainly couldn't tell you all of this in reality, thus I felt that writing a secret note to you would be okay. Maybe one day I could bring myself to give you this letter.

Can I ask you something, I know I always ask you questions you don't necessarily want to answer, but I just wanted to ask - Why? Why couldn't I pull your head out of that dark place it's always in? I feel like in the big equation of everything, I brought this upon myself. It seems like it's my fault. You told me that that you are not a good person, I should have trusted you on that. Yet, why do I still believe that you are far more good than bad in your soul? I should have believed you and forgotten about your existence, instead here I am still in love with you.

Yes this is my confession, if you'd call it that. I'm in love with you. I had faith in the fact that you were different from the rest, I still believe you are. Do you have any idea how much I hate myself for telling you my feelings the way I did? Look who it hurt in the end though, not you, not anyone, but me. I hate your eyes, I hate your face, I hate your soul and I hate that fucking smile on your face. Don't get me wrong, my love for them weigh more than my hate does, but that's what makes me regret falling in love with you so much. Was it absolutely necessary for your so called 'God' to make you enter my life and leave like that? 

I wish we'd met earlier, I also wish to not have met you at all. If we weren't meant to be, why'd anything happen at all? I'm not one who believes in God and religion, but if a supreme being like that did exist, why did my life have to end up in this mess. This was supposed to be my year, I was supposed to achieve anything that I wished for. Why couldn't this God you have so much faith in help me with this tiny conquest for myself?

But in the end, I'm the loser, right? I lost someone I cared for who I guess would be okay with losing me. I should have never met you.

- A