Bend The Rules• njh

22⌝ I'm Here

{Warning: Forms of Self H*rm and attempts of Suic*de are mentioned in this chapter, reader discretion is advised}

Song of the Chapter- Hesitate by Jonas brothers
***I suggest listening to the full song for the beginning of this chapter on repeat. It just fits everything so well and is an amazing song. But you don't have to :)

Tears are fully raining down on my face, my breathing hitching, and my throat is burning. I push my chair away and bolt out of there. My head is pounding, I can barely hear someone calling out for me but I ignore them. I head into my room and slam the door shut. My mind is racing as I'm pacing back and fourth. God I'm so fucking stupid, I just ruined everything. I ruined everything. I ruined what I had with Niall. I'm so pathetic, he'll never want to see me again. My heart feeling like it's beating inside my own head, the pounding like it's directly on my skull. Crashing into me. I need to stop the pain.

How come I always mess this shit up. I ruin everything. My breath keeps on hitching, my anxiety going up as I feel my airway closing off. Sitting down in the floor, I bury my head deeply into my elbows. "I'm so fucking stupid," I mutter out to myself as I rock back in fourth in the carpet of my room, the overwhelming feeling to cut intensifying. I'm gonna loose Niall too. He hates me. He hates me. He wants to break up with me. I know he does. I need to end it. Before he does. I'm too fucked up for him. I'm pathetic. I'm useless. My chest constricting, feeling like the life is being squeezed out of me. "Make it stop. Make it stop, stop it, stop," I scream out as fear fully strikes me. I begin to hit myself repeatedly, the pain from my punches distracting me.

I'm always messing everything up. This is my fault. I'm my own fault. I ruined everything. And I lost the only thing left of him. The hitting doesn't help, fear is still stricken throughout me. Every muscle in my body tenses up, as I'm on high alert for anything to happen.

Niall bursts through the door and I lift my head up at him, his face is distraught from what I can see through my blurred vision of tears. He comes close to me and sits down on the floor. He reaches over to grab me but I scoot away, everything is overwhelming me. I can't. I can't breathe, I can't think. I wrap my arms around my head, unable to bear everything and I shudder out ugly sobs.

"It's okay Toni. It's alright, it's alright," Niall's voice speaks out to me soothingly, "you're okay. You're in your room. You're right here with me. You're not anywhere else but here. You're with me." I repeat his words in my head. I'm here I'm here I'm here. I'm not at home in my bathroom. I'm not in a restaurant bathroom. I'm not in a white room. I'm not in a bathtub. I'm here. I'm here and I don't want to. I want it to stop. My head aches from the crying but I continue on, snot forming everywhere and I'm a mess.

Niall's voice whispers to me, soft and carefully, "Toni can you say something?" My throat burns so bad that I feel like I won't be able to talk again. My head is spinning violently and I can't even think to form a sentence.

"I, I screw everything up," I sob out, my body now heaving and shaking from the stress, "I never, I can't do anything right. Never can." I'm so fucking stupid. Niall doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't want to be in this mess. He doesn't know how fucked up I am. He doesn't want me. He wants to break up. I can feel it.

"That's not true. You're so wonderful. You're such a caring person," he confides softly as my head still pounds. My ears are almost ringing, I grip my head even harder and squeal in pain. I want this all to stop. I need it to stop. I can't take it anymore. Niall asks my quietly, to where I almost can't hear him, "Can you name one thing you see right now?" I shake my head and continue to rock while I choke on my cry's. "Toni, please, for me," he pleads, "just one thing. One thing you see."