Where Light and Darkness Meet (Part One of the Pallona Saga)

VIII

Chapter VIII
SUPREME LEADER

I try to remember all the ways I liked Ben. I have to see him as the boy before the dark side, not after. I recall how selfless he used to be, always checking on the other padawans and giving them pointers during training. I remember how he cheered me up for days after my mother's death truly hit me. I was just a little girl who was following her mother's advice then, and finally realizing she was gone hit me hard. I remember how he always gave his all so that Master Luke would notice him. He was always the most powerful and yet he still craved his uncle's Jedi seal of approval.
I still can't blame Ben for turning on Skywalker, after all, that was his uncle standing over him that night, genuinely considering killing his only nephew, the son of his sister. I draw my line when he destroyed our Jedi temple and killed those who refused to join him.
Would I have joined him?
I've been thinking about that for a long time. If I hadn't been trapped under the rubble of our sleeping hut, would I have gone with him? Not to join Snoke and follow him down a path of darkness, but simply because he was my friend, because I respected him?
Suddenly I see myself next to Ben in a completely red room. I feel my lightsaber in my hand, only it's not mine; the blade glows red where it used to be green. Solo looks at me, something like pride in his eyes. I gasp when I see all my dead Jedi comrades facing us, Luke Skywalker leading them. Ben and I charge forward, but I'm not in control of my own body anymore. Everyone clashes in battle, Ben fells three of the Jedi I used to know, Carvi, Shea-Rie and Dusu. I cut through five more, El, Lain, Tii-Lon, and Jehn. The fifth is my master. Luke has more fear and hurt in his eyes than I've ever seen. I try to stop myself from striking at his heart, but my mind and body are not one, and a second later my red blade has pierced Skywalker. He falls, dead, while Ben comes to stand behind me. I'm shuddering and all I want is to go blind so I don't have to see my master's glassy eyes staring up into nothing. Ben puts his bare hand on my shoulder, but suddenly he's wearing his mask again. He leans in close to my ear, the cold metal from the mask making me shiver.
"Good girl," he says.
I wake up screaming and crying. I don't remember falling asleep, but I must have drifted off while I was meditating. I rub my eyes ferociously, trying to get the image of dead Skywalker out of my brain. I cry all morning, feeling wretched for what I saw myself do.
But even though the other Jedi are dead and Luke is safe on Ahch-To, a part of what I dreamt felt right. It felt right standing next to Ben, our lightsabers drawn and ready for anything. We were faced against the world, and I felt like we were one. The dark side lures me, and I can't help but dip into it just a little bit.
I could be that version of Evangeline, the version that is weak and succumbs to the dark side. I can't, I realize. I saw the First Order take my brother, then I felt them kill him—to an extension. I ran with my mother as we escaped Kijimi before they took me, too. I could never work alongside the First Order. If it was just Ben, it might be a different story, but as long as he hides behind the Order, I will not join him.

Solo doesn't come back until days after my nightmare. When he does, he's angrier than usual.
"Well, finally back for more, huh?" I get off the floor, crossing my arms as Ben marches towards me.
"The girl escaped."
"What girl?" I know who he's talking about, and relief floods through me knowing that the Force-sensitive girl got away from Starkiller Base. I hope she's smart enough to never return.
"A Resistance sympathizer. She's strong with the Force, she just doesn't know it yet."
"Yes, I know. I've been feeling her presence once in a while... Were you the one who tortured her?"
There's a long pause. His mask is donned, so I can't read his expression.
"Yes." There's no remorse there, not even a flicker of guilt in his voice.
I stand, frozen, staring at that terrible mask that reminds me there is not just Ben anymore, but Kylo Ren, too. He's playing duel roles, one to the dark side and the other to a scared boy.
"Ben—"
He ignites his lightsaber before I can continue, holding the red blade close to my throat. Then, an angry BB-3 rushes at Ben's feet, running him over and knocking his little metal body into his calves. Ben is distracted enough for me to duck away from his lightsaber, grab his wrist and twist until the dark weapon is pointing at the floor. BB-3 still whirs angrily, but then zooms off after Solo kicks him hard.
"Don't hurt my droid!" It's a petty maneuver, but I kick Ben in the leg, making him stumble and groan.
"Your droid?"
"Yes. You've managed to lock me in here with no company for days, so I figured I'd make a friend. BB-3 doesn't seem to like you very much, though, so I'd recommend staying away."
Solo is silent when he grabs me by the collar, dragging me towards him.
"I only came here to let you know that you'll be meeting Supreme Leader Snoke soon. You might want to change out of those wretched Jedi robes."
He drops me, letting me stumble backwards as he leaves in a swish of black cloth and angry footfalls.
"Wee woo," BB-3 says, peeking out from behind the bench legs. "Wa-bloop boop?"
"It's okay, BB-3, Ben is just a little rough around the edges."
He told me to change clothes, but Solo never specified where these new garments would be. I find them in the table by my bed, and I'm not relieved to have these as new clothes, despite how dirty my gray Jedi robes are.
They are thick, meant for cold climates like here on Ilum. I hate how the all-black looks on me, so I mismatch some items until I'm as satisfied as I can be wearing First Order colors. At least none of the garments have the Order emblem on them. My tight black pants have red stitches running down the sides, until they disappear under my shiny black, knee-high boots. My sleeved black shirt is made from equally thick material, and even now I'm beginning to sweat through all the fabric. The last item I managed to dig out was a red waist length cape. Not nearly as dramatic as Ben's, but I like the extra touch it gives my ensemble.
When Solo told me I'd be meeting Snoke soon, I didn't think he meant days later. I have to strip off the thick layers of clothing to sleep even remotely comfortable, and then dress all over again each morning, not knowing when he'll finally come and get me.
I'm putting my boots on when I hear a combination being punched into the keypad outside the main door, then marching as Ben enters my room, masked face and all.
"For all you know, I could have been nude in here."
"Let's go."
"Touchy," I retort as Ben grabs my arm, forcing me to keep up with his long strides. I don't try to remember the way to Snoke, nor do I really care anymore. There's a lock on my door, Stormtroopers posted outside at every hour, and with Ben so strong with the Force, he'd be able to detect me in an instant if I was escaping. He's probably been keeping Force tabs on me since I got here. We go up multiple elevators, down countless corridors before finally entering a control center. The main one, from the looks of it.
"General Hux," Ben announces, greeting a red-haired, tight-lipped man.
"Kylo Ren. The Supreme Leader is waiting for you."
A second later, a giant head, magnified by a projector somewhere, appears in the center of the room. The face is ugly, butchered and torn until some of its features are unrecognizable. His appearance lives up to his equally ugly name, that's for certain.
"Supreme Leader," Ben says, dropping to one knee in a bow. General Hux does the same thing. "I've brought one of the two remaining Jedi, as you asked."
"So this is the girl that managed to penetrate Starkiller Base and injure my apprentice. What is your name, girl?"
"I am Evangeline Pallona, apprentice to Master Luke Skywalker. You will never win."
Snoke laughs; a hideous, humorless sound. "If you think for one moment, girl, that you can turn Kylo Ren back to the light you are gravely mistaken."
"I don't think I am. I've seen it with the Force, a premonition of Ben Solo's future. He will turn, Snoke."
I look at him over my shoulder, but his bent head and still-masked face don't give me anything to play off of.
"That is Supreme Leader Snoke to you, girl. And don't underestimate Kylo Ren. He is my apprentice, and made his allegiances clear after he destroyed your Jedi temple and killed the other padawans."
I have nothing to say to that because it's true. Ben betrayed us and didn't think twice about it. It's been six years. If he wouldn't turn in that amount of time, how would I possibly convince him to now?
"I see we've come to a sort of agreement, Evangeline Pallona. I hope to see you again very soon."
And then Snoke's image vanishes, and Ben is leading me back to my prison. When we get back to my rooms I turn on Solo, shoving him repeatedly until he uses the Force to push me back.
"Why am I here, Ben," I'm shouting, all the anger and hopelessness I've been feeling seeping into my words. "Why am I here if my only purpose is to be tortured and antagonized by you and Snoke?"
He stares at me through his mask, my heavy breathing the only sound in my rooms. I see BB-3 peek around the doorway to the second room, but I glare at him evilly until he disappears.
"I didn't invite you," he finally says. "You came here seeking something that doesn't exist. Ben Solo does not exist."
"You keep saying that!" I stomp over and shove him again, only to be forced away again. "You're not gone, Ben, and you know that! You're just scared, but I'll help you."
He forcefully takes off his mask, saying, "You keep making promises that you won't be able to keep. You can't help me because I will not be helped. You are here on a hopeless mission that perhaps you thought would redeem yourself more than it would redeem me. You are so scared of failure and losing those you care about that you would do anything to prevent it. You have felt so guilty about not being able to 'save' me over the past six years that you led yourself to believe that this mission would somehow turn me. When, in reality, this mission was nothing but a way for you to rid yourself of your guilt."
His words cut deeply, because everything he says is true. A part of me did come here for myself rather than Ben. A piece of me did hope that by trying to turn Ben, my guilt and anger and doubt would magically disappear. But I was wrong, and now I have been laid bare before this man who knows far too much about me.
"Give me my lightsaber," I command, reaching out. My voice cracks and tears are starting to streak down my face but I don't really care anymore. "I'm leaving right now. I don't want to be here anymore if my mission has already failed."
"No," he puts his mask back on. "You will help me find Skywalker so I can crush the Resistance and bring order to the galaxy."
Then he leaves, and I'm left bleeding from all the wounds he just slashed open.