Where Light and Darkness Meet (Part One of the Pallona Saga)

IX

Chapter IX
Paths

I figure that if I can't leave my quarters, I might as well not even leave bed. Ben Solo seriously injured me yesterday, and his words haven't stopped replaying in my head. He confirmed everything I have been thinking and feeling for the past six years, and he did it in such a way that has deepened those feelings. I feel more anger, doubt and hopelessness than I have ever felt. I'm furious at Ben for refusing to turn and for knowing me too well, I'm doubting myself every moment of every day, and I feel hopeless without my lightsaber or my freedom.
I used to get bored on Ahch-To when Master Luke sparred with me, but now I'd give anything to practice again, even if it's as slow and anticlimactic as it used to be with Skywalker.
BB-3 beeps worriedly at me every once in a while, but I only have the energy to tell him I'm fine. I can tell he's sad and lonely, but my limbs no longer have the will to move and my mind is slowly turning into a knot that blocks all of my thought processes. Having my old Jedi robes back makes me feel a little better. I practically ripped the First Order garments off me, if only because I was dying of heat in them.
Ben doesn't come back, and it's almost more bearable sitting around doing nothing than it is having to have a conversation with him or even look at him. When I first arrived on Starkiller Base, I thought to myself that I'd have to find ways to be as close to Solo as possible for me to have any effect on him. But now, I don't want to be near him ever again. Not only that, but he's had more of an effect on me than I ever did him. While I've gotten so far as to tap at his wounds, he's managed to completely tear mine open. I hate feeling so bare and helpless, but that's all I've felt while being here.
I miss home, I realize. It was never really home, not like Zeffo was or even Kijimi was, but Ahch-To is where my master is, where I've lived for six years and grown so accustomed to. Just thinking about it, I can smell the ocean and feel the cold wind on my face. I remember hiking up grassy hills with Skywalker and listening to the Jedi temple caretakers quarrel with each other. I even recall that dark place beneath the island, the strange reflective wall that made me feel so peaceful and comfortable. I wonder who it would show me now if I were to stand before it. Would I still see my brother reminding me of how much I've lost and how scared I am of losing others I care for? Would I see Ben, his brown eyes staring fearfully at mine? Or would I see Master Skywalker, reminding me how this mission endangers us both?
Perhaps I might even see Snoke, warning me that no matter how hard I resist, the dark side is simply too strong to resist. Ben was always stronger than me, so if he couldn't help himself to its lure, how could I?
I need a new path. I came here set on one: finding and turning Ben Solo. But he has blocked that path and put me on a detour that winds around endlessly. I need a new, more realistic path. I think about it for a long time until I realize what I need to do: I must follow multiple paths.
I've been stuck in a dream for as long as I can remember thinking that I have one path laid out for me until I die just because I'm a Jedi. Never did it occur to me—until now—that I cannot go through this life walking along one straight, easy road. If I want to turn Ben, I'll need to follow all the paths it takes until I get there, no matter how confusing or difficult they are.
It's time for me to stop living the lie of the 'Jedi dream,' and finally get my hands dirty.