Ang Antigo Kong Papable

Dighay

May 2016

 HER

How could you measure one's love? Meron bang medyo mahal mo lang, mahal mo talaga, at parang nauubos na ang pagmamahal mo? Depende sa tagal nyong magkakilala? Pag childhood friends kayo, is it possible na mahal na mahal mo na sya but you haven't even realized? If you started as random strangers, posible bang bugso lang ng damdamin 'yun o physical attraction lang? To me, it wasn't like that. You can't measure love on the scale of one to ten. It's only a matter of yes or no. In my case, it's yes.

It's been two years since Lola Mely died. At her funeral, no one spoke a word why or how it happened. To us, it was unexpected. Lola Mely was all okay, and then this? A week after, dumating ang parents namin at sinundo kami. I didn't even open up to Shiela and Kate. Kate just held my hand. And to my surprise, walang nakaalala tungkol kay Alfonso. I kept on reminding them but they just won't budge.

"Alfonso, 'yung antigo kong papable! 'Yung natutulog sa kwarto ko gabi-gabi!"

"Anna." Kate looked at me with bored eyes. "Stop reading romance novels too much. Tsaka iwasan mo na rin 'yung fantasy. They're getting into your head too much."

"Kaya nga," Shiela chipped in. "Ikaw lang ang natutulog doon, Anna. Alam kong loveless tayong tatlo pero sana 'wag naman fictional 'yung ipakilala mong boyfriend. Ilusyunada much?"

That shut me up. And I didn't bother asking Sam dahil alam kong wala akong aasahan. From that day on, I spoke to no one about  Alfonso. Iilan lang ang nakakakilala kay Alfonso and those few people don't even remember him. But that look he gave me before he disappeared with Esperanza will be forever embedded in my head. Ang sakit lang because I trusted him to choose me. Pero ano nga bang gagawin ko? I'm never the priority. I'm no one's choice. Siguro he had told me I mean so much to him but my name will never be the first in his list. It sucks, really. Being a second choice. It was sad, but it was the truth. 

"Where are you going?!" Shiela screamed over the phone. "Grabe, hanggang ngayon may pagka-lunatic ka pa rin, Anna?! We told you thousand of times na nag-exist lang 'yung lalaki mo sa panaginip mo! We even told you to consult a psychiatrist!"

"Shiela," I smiled. "I'm not a lunatic, not even crazy. Kayo lang nag-iisip nun, mga baliw."

Anyway, I'm used to it. I'm used to people leaving. And then I'm back to my usual self. Maybe I just have to thank Alfonso and Esperanza for stirring my boring life a little. Pagbalik ko sa Manila, I spent hours on the Internet, researching for what possibly happened to Alfonso and Esperanza. I tried and tried my luck, but to no avail. Walang existing records. I saw someone with a surname of Claveria and he was a gobernadorcillo pero hindi nakalagay kung may pamilya ba sya o may anak syang nagngangalang Esperanza na ipinakasal sa isang Alfonso.

I even went to libraries and scanned a thousand books. Pero wala talaga akong nakita. It's such a shame na wala na si Lola Mely and I couldn't ask her questions dahil parang alam nya lahat. But then, there were questions that would forever remain unanswered just because the real answer might not suffice. I tried to move on from my curiosity but I didn't try to move on from the memories he left me. The times when he held me tight and told me I mattered the most to him. Ano ba, minsan lang 'yun. It's such a waste kung kakalimutan ko lahat ng 'yun.