Find A Way

Doctor

I listen to Sia as I drive to my appointment with Doctor Carlson. Amy had listed over twenty counselors in her email to me. As usual, she didn't leave out her speech about how "proud she was of me for getting help". She forgot that we stem from the same family. Two halves of a whole Pryer whose history for generations has been soaked in alcoholics. Maybe she felt herself above the title of child abuse victim because of her schooling.

Either way I was happy to have a name to go to, and also nervous, hoping he would actually help me.

I drive for a half hour before I say to myself:

Be honest. Be totally and completely honest. Be open. You can't get help if you lie and hide your feelings. Do. Not. Lie.

I have to have this talk with myself. Every counselor I'd ever gone to, I'd lied to in some fashion. One I lied to by not telling her she wasn't being helpful. One I lied to be withholding my sexual abuse history. One I lied to by telling him "yes I feel much better after talking candidly to my mother".

I hadn't. I had gotten shut out and blamed as usual. No matter what, my mother has a super power. To twist every situation into being about her needs. I find myself on a dirt road that twists and turns deeper into a dark wooded area.

This seems like an odd place to have a counseling office. I think to myself.

I continue deep into the woods till I arrive at a house on the lake.

A dark house.

On the lake.

In the middle of nowhere.

Yup. This is the beginning of a horror movie.

It was dark. My appointment was at 6:00 PM after work. Also seemed odd that he wouldn't hold normal office hours.

I walk up the wooden steps and knock on the door. He quickly answers and I see a short man in his fifties. He has graying hair and a white goatee and glasses. He's wearing a blue striped button up with jeans. His eyes seem wise, I'm surprised that for an older man, he's handsome. I'd only seen a handful of handsome older men in my life.

"Welcome I'm doctor Carlson, please come in"

I step into a dimly lit home and the scent of apple and cinnamon overwhelms my senses. The scenery is warm and comforting, and it isn't long before I realize I'm standing in his home.

"My wife Mary is at music practice" He begins "Can I get you some tea?"

"No thank you" I say, trying to seem professional.

I look around me and do the checklist again.

Wife gone.

House in the middle of nowhere.

In the woods.

Yup. If this guy wants to kill me or rape me he can do it easily. I take a second to go out of my body and look at myself.

Wow Cassie. This is your first appointment. Let's save the crazy paranoia for after you get to know him.

I sit down on his dark brown leather couch and he sits in front of me from across the room in a rocking chair that looked like it belonged to his grandma.

"So what brings you here today" He asks, yellow notepad and pen in hand.

"My shitty childhood" I say candidly and he chuckles at my demeanor.

"You can relax. I know it's hard coming to a new counselor. You made the important decision to get help and that's step one. I'll do my best to help you, and if I can't, we'll find someone else qualified to continue to work with you until you are better".