Find A Way

That Odd Feeling

Two weeks. It had been two weeks. I hadn't talked to Aiden. I barely talked to James. Except for my apology to him for the fight he had to endure. I had been staying with Klesey on and off when I couldn't stand to be home. I told her I was looking for a new place to live. She didn't ask why but she had a sly smile of satisfaction on her face when we talked about in-town rentals.

I had been feeling tired for about a week. Not a normal tired. Not a tired I had ever experienced before. I credited my fatigue to my emotional state. My heart was broken, and I didn't know how to put it back together again. I didn't even know Aiden held it in his hands till I needed to grab it back and smash it in front of him.

My fatigue made it hard to get up in the morning. I had always taken good care of my health. Moderate exercise and balanced eating were part of my everyday routine. It has to be this thing with Aiden I tell myself. I can't wait for it to be over. Wanting to keel over and take a nap is not ideal for a daycare worker.

I struggle to keep a smile on my face. I struggle to play with the children. I struggle to even like the children. When we are inside I find myself sitting at the tables, watching them with a blank stare on my face. Doing the bare minimum, keeping them from killing each other or themselves. When we are outside the classroom playing I do that same. I sit at the picnic tables in the middle of the playgrounds and count down the minutes till I can go home and crash in my bed for hours on end.

"You ok?" asks Jen. I hardly notice her words, my head feels like I'm under water. Like I'm swimming. I find it hard to even string together a sentence.

"Yeah I'm fine, just didn't sleep well."

"Oh I'm sorry" she responds halfheartedly before rising from the table and checking on the toddlers in the climber. I slip my phone out of my pocket and begin discreetly scrolling through my messages. I was hoping to get a lead from Kelsey about an available room for rent. We weren't allowed to have cellphones while working in the classrooms but it's not like we didn't all break that rule constantly. Some more brazen than others.

I always kept my phone in my bag and would only check it from time to time. The thought of having a safe place to move onto was consuming my thoughts. That is, when the thought of sleeping wasn't taking over. My coworkers had commented on my change in behavior, I was doing the best I could to keep it under wraps.

I go to my web browser and type in one or two bedroom apartment rentals in my town but my heart sinks as I review the numbers. $750... $850....$925...

$925? For one room? That's more than I get in one paycheck?

I let out a heavy sigh that transforms into a yawn as I put my phone back in my pocket.

"You need a nap Cassie" I hear little Charlie chipmunk say.

When I open my eyes I see her bright face standing in front of me. Standing too close to me, as is the custom with four year olds that have no concept of personal space.

"Yeah baby I do need a nap" I tell her, "can I sleep with you at nap?"

"Uh no Cassie? Thats my bed?" she says in her sassy tone. I chuckle to myself as I watch her sway off with her red ball and join the others in playing a game of.... um.... apparently throw the ball as hard as you can? Or kick the ball as far as you can? Or.... oops.... Now it's throw the ball at your friends as hard as you can....

I groan and get up from my seat as I go to intervene and confiscate the ball.

***

I had made plans to hang out with Kelsey after work. I brought a frozen pizza and wine with me, since I had no intention of going home till I absolutely needed to. I found it hard to keep my eyes open on the road. This exhaustion thing was getting on my nerves.

While at the grocery store I browsed the pizza choices but none seemed to appeal to me. I stared at them, all the while thinking about how much I missed when things weren't so complicated. I missed coming home and joking with Aiden about my day. I missed lounging in my room. I missed taking walks with Aiden down by the water. I missed his smile. I missed his laugh.

Had he really taken so much from me? Was my existence really wrapped so tightly around someone who I thought of as just a friend? The idea made me upset. It made me angry. It made me sad.

I take a deep breath and physically try to shake the thought out of my head. I'm determined to prove to myself that it's just in my head. That my body is not having a physical reaction to his absence. I open the freezer door and welcome the rush of cold, grabbing the pepperoni pizza with stuffed crust. A few weeks ago it was my favorite, and I was going to shove it down my own throat, determined to prove I was hungry.

Kelsey thought I was in a slump because Colton left. I let her think that. I let everyone around me think that. Including Dr. Carlson. I still hadn't gathered the courage to tell him about sleeping with Aiden. I was too ashamed.

I didn't regret sex with Aiden. I was remorseful over all the turmoil it brought. I couldn't deal with Dr. Carlson being disappointed in me. It would be the last blow to my heart, the thing that would push me over the edge, and right now I was walking the line.

I also couldn't lie to myself that along with my relationship with Aiden, my relationship with Dr. Carlson had become complicated as well. I depended on him and I didn't want to. I valued his opinion more than I should. I didn't want to.

I often used his presence as a comfort.

I didn't want to.

Over the weeks and months I realized I didn't ever want to imagine my life without him.

I hated that.

My feelings about Dr. Carlson were terrifying to face. I didn't want to look at him the way I did. I didn't want to put a name to him, knowing he could never truly fulfill it. I didn't want to fully lean into it and accept him in my life that way. He would leave. Or disappoint me. I had already been abandoned once. I didn't need someone to remind me that I wasn't worthy of having a father. I didn't want Dr. Carlson to discover what it was about me that made my own father run away.

Ironic I know.

Given the whole job of a counselor is to know deep things about you in order to help you heal.

That was the point though. He was my counselor. Just my counselor. There was a portion of me that resented him for giving into his own pity for me. For offering me a relationship that he could never fully commit to.

I look around me and realize I'd zoned out and had been sitting in my car for ten minutes, staring at the windshield.

I take the bagged pizza and wine bottle with me and knock on her door. I don't bother wait for an answer because that's not how things worked in my family. I felt a little bad however for Jeremy, Kelsey's boyfriend. They lived together and I don't think he ever fully got used to my family and our intrusive ways.

Kelsey is the first one I see when I walk through the door directly into her kitchen. Like most of the rentals in town, Kelsey and Jeremy's place was an old Cape Style home that had been converted into a rental. Thiers was a duplex, so you could always hear the neighbors fighting.

"Hey bitch, I was wondering if you were ever coming in" she greets me.

"Sorry, I totally zoned out in the car, I think I actually fell asleep, I'm so tired lately"

"Really? Why?"

I shrug my shoulders placing down the groceries, "I have no idea, I just know I'm completely exhausted all the time."

I can see in the corner of my eye Kelsey giving me a look of pity as she grabs the wine glasses down from the cupboard.

"Are you sleeping well?" She asks.

"I'm sleeping fine. I don't know what's going on with me. I'm moving onward and upward from Colton, Ok?" I made sure that the final ok had just the right amount of annoyance, so she would know to drop it.

There are a few moments of awkward silence between us before I choose to break it.

"I got our favorite, special for you, fat ass".

"Awe thanks," says Kelsey, filing the wine glass a little too high.