Find A Way

Excuses

I watched the kids in the classroom, aimlessly wandering, arguing, playing, and exploring. I had moved from classroom to classroom as was normal during my shift. I failed to connect with any one child during my day at work. They came to me wanting to play, I came up with an excuse not to, or would take advantage of the change in schedule.

"Sorry babe we can't do puzzles now, it's time to go outside."

"No hunny I can't color, I have to move on to the next classroom."

"No, I'm not able to read to you, I' ve got to clean the dishes from lunch."

A twinge of guilt would pull aggressively at my heart every time I denied them my attention, but I couldn't bring myself to give it to them either. I hated it.

The worst moment all week was with Ellie. She was over a year old, sixteen months, and somehow was an eternal diva. Her attitude got to me this day. She didn't want to take a nap. She would jump off her little cot bed every time I set her down onto it. She threw her binky at me. She hit me anytime I tried to rub her back to calm her to sleep. She took the doll from the child next to her, and I saw a malicious sparkle in her eye when the child began to cry.

She wasn't even two years old and she knew how to get me and the other children riled up.

What the fuck.

This became her normal naptime routine for over a week.

She would run around and cause a scene, hit, steal, scream, and cry.

Today I wasn't going to take it. Today I snapped. Peyton brought out the beds and helped the younger toddlers tuck in. I made a B-line for Ellie. Scooped her up and took her right out of the room. She began to squirm under my arm but I held on tight as I made my way down the hall and into the kitchen.

I plopped her down onto the chair and put a timer on my phone for five minutes. Almost instantly she began to whine but I turned my back and ignored her. She was in a time out. No drama. No attention. I was done.

Dianne made her way around the corner into the kitchen.

"Hi cassie, I heard Ellie, she sounded upset-"

"Ellie is in a timeout" I declared. Dianne stared at me confused.

"A timeout?"

"Yes, a timeout. The past week she has done nothing but cause disruption at naptime and I'm done with it. I'm waiting till the kids fall asleep then I'll go back in with her."

There was a thick awkward silence that filled the tiny kitchen. Dianne looked at me, clearly wanting to say more than what came out next. "But Ellie needs a nap? It's naptime? And shes only one so I'm not sure how timeout-"

"Dianne I need a break. I need to try something different with this kid because she just doesn't get it" I snapped. What was I doing? Although the embodiment of Winnie the Pooh, Dianne was still technically my boss. Despite my subordination she left the kitchen without another word.

***

"Cassie Pryer?" The nurse announced into the stale air of the waiting room.

"Here" I say rising from the navy waiting chair. I had followed Aiden's instructions and made a doctor appointment. One benefit to my odd work schedule, not going in till 10:00 AM made it easier to get appointments made.

I glanced at the clock as I strode down the hall. The clock read 8:45 AM. Hopefully I could be in and out in time for work. The nurse asked me to step on the scale. I kept my fingers crossed that the number would stay in the normal range of 140 to 143. My heart dropped when I saw the number. 156.