Find A Way

The Beach

It hit me like a train, screaming toward me on the rails, crashing into me before I could jump out of the way. I didn't know why I was so angry to see him.

"What are you doing here?" I asked immediately.

"I was heading over to give my condolences to you and your family. I saw your car parked on the side of the road. I was hoping you were ok-"

"You're about three hours late" I snapped and flopped down on the sand, crossing my legs. I heard his steps come up slowly behind me.

"My apologies. When I spoke with your aunt she let me know I could stop by anytime. I had a class that ran late-"

"Why are you talking to my aunt?" he looked down at me, his eyes offering me sympathy and support despite my bad attitude. In the moment I felt like a petulant child, but the wine made my concern wash quickly away into the waves. He sat beside me.

"Your Uncle Gabriel is actually an old classmate of my wife. I saw your father's obituary in the paper and took a shot. I was glad you chose to confide in me, but I probably would have found out either way."

I didn't want him near me now. I wanted him when I was sitting in the pews looking at my father's casket. I wanted him while I stared at the family portrait placed beside my father. I wanted him when I was five, and six, and eight, and twelve, and fourteen.

I felt a looming bitterness at his lack of presence in my life. I knew it was ridiculous. I couldn't hold that against him. He and my mother never crossed paths in life. Never knew each other. From what I learned of him, even if he had known my mother, he would have been smart enough to see her, and run the other way.

I still felt cheated. Alone. And angry.

I sat and stared at the waves. Being close to him gave me the urge to shove him away from me. But I also had an overwhelming desire to lean on his shoulder and let him wrap his arms around me, comfort me, but I fought it. I wanted to reach out and touch him but kept a deadlock starre with the ocean.

It was becoming more and more tiring, feeling so conflicted about him all the time. It was worse, now that my dad was dead.

"How are you?" he asked. I took another deep breath before answering.

"I am celebrating," I said simply.

"This is a big day for you."

"It's a big deal for everyone else, but I.... I am celebrating".

He looks speechless. Maybe this was it. Maybe I could finally convince him that I wasn't worth it.

"Celebrating?" He lets out quietly.

"Yup celebrating" I say bringing my knees to my chest "I'm celebrating.... because I'm free".

"Free?"

"Free from him, free from the guilt, free from it all. Because he hates everyone and everything. I realized while staring at his body, everyone crying around me for who knows what reason, he lived a sad lonely life. He didn't just hate me he hated everyone. His brothers, his father, himself, and then he made the three of us and tried to drag us down with him, but I will not be beaten. "

I continue to take in the air, the colors of the sunset dancing on the waves. I smiled at the oranges, and purples, and pinks.

"So yes, I am celebrating. I am celebrating because it was never my fault. It was never me. It was him."

All I heard for a solid seven, maybe ten minutes, was the sound of the waves, rolling in and out. I could hear the rustling of the greenery dancing in the wind around me. It was so quiet I could even hear the sand shifting beneath me.

The curiosity was killing me. What was he thinking?

"I'm surprised you have nothing to say" I said still looking into the sunset "you always have a million things to say and now what? You're finally speechless?"

He looked down at his hands and rubbed the cotton of his balck pants between his fingers.

"I'm surprised, but it isn't up to me to tell you how to process this".

"I think everyone was surprised... people came up to me and gave me a never ending parade of I'm sorry... you must be devastated.... and my favorite... he was a good man in his own way... It's like they were all poking around for the right answer, they all wanted to see me broken, even you".

"I don't want you to be broken, I want to make sure you're not pushing away your real feelings".

"I'm not" I reply, almost mechanically "You want to hear that I'm sad? That I'm sorry I lost him? Well I'm not, because I lost him a long time ago. I already mourned him a hundred times over. Every time my mom would threaten to kick him out of the house, every time I would wake up looking around frantically for him after one of their fights, every time I pounded on his bedroom door because he'd passed out drunk...it wasn't my fault, as much as they tried to convince me it was not my fault".

He didn't say much. His mouth gaped open slightly like he was trying to conjure up a response, but somehow I had stumped him. I felt the need to simplify my thoughts.

"How can I be sorry, when this is the one thing that has finally set me free?"

I chuckled and smothered my hand in the sand. The sun had set and darkness was now covering us. The world was clothed in a dark navy, but I could still see him through the sheet of blue and silver from the moon.

"I wanted you there today, with me" I said again breaking the silence.

"I'm sorry I wasn't, I didn't know if it would have been appropriate, I thought maybe I should let you be with your family, that's why I waited till the reception to come and pay my respects."

I wiped the small tear from the corner of my eye "yeah well I wished you'd been there... I always miss you when you're gone" I looked up at him but he only nodded.

I didn't know what else to say. I didn't know how to convey my need for him to be around. How to thank him for putting up with my bad attitude. Thank him for picking up the pieces of my heart that my parents had left behind.

I wasn't his daughter. I wasn't even his step or half daughter. I couldn't make him a macaroni sculpture or give him a world's best dad mug. I couldn't thank him with an album full of pictures and memories of our happy life together.

I had to just sit here in the sand and be with him. Appreciate his presence in my life for however long it would last. I wished in that moment that he saw me. He saw my heart and knew just how much of it he had repaired.

I stood up and looked out once again to the waves. The moon glazed on the surface, creating a diamond affect.

"I need to go home," I said simply. He looked down at his watch.

"Yeah 9:45, you need to get to bed"

I looked over at him and scowled "You not my dad you can't tell me what to do. Besides, your wife isn't upset you aren't home?"

He titled his head to the side "I called her and let her know I'd be late. I told her I saw your car on the side of the road and was looking to make sure you were ok" he rose to his feet as well "she sends her condolences by the way" he continued with an annoyed tone that made me drop my head.

"I like your wife. She's sweet. Seems like she's put up with a lot like you. Send her a thank you on my behalf" I joked.

When I looked up he was smiling "she is amazing". I looked down at my hands wanting again to reach out for him but something in me was holding back. Maybe I was embarrassed he sacrificed time with his wife to talk to me. Maybe I was still mad at my father, or at him.

Before I could talk myself into oblivion I felt his arms around me. I was relieved to feel defeated. The pain and frustration melted away from my mind, but somehow still froze tightly to my heart.

I wrapped my arms around his torso and clung on tightly. Once again I found that I couldn't hug him tight enough. I couldn't hold on long enough. I didn't know how to convey everything he had done for me. I was trying to make up for 21 years.