Find A Way

Test Results

Thursday morning.

I walk up the cement sidewalk into the hospital and make a left down the corridor to the labs. I check in and wait patiently for them to call my name. I had spoken to Aiden the night before about my appointment, and about what Heather said. The two conversations kept bouncing back and forth in my head.

"I'm sorry she crapped on you today" said Aiden "I know how hard you've been working over there. I know what it's meant to you."

"It just sucks you know? I know she's not wrong but I certainly didn't need her to take the time to point it out, it just makes me feel that much worse" I looked down at my hands laced neatly in my lap, fighting my bad habit hard.

"Cassie Pryer?" said a familiar voice. I looked up and saw the nurse was a schoolmate of mine. She had been about two years ahead of me, I wondered if she recognized me. She didn't take the time to point it out so I took relief in not having to make small talk about what we'd been up to.

I sat in the large beige chair and looked over at all the colored tubes on the wall. I looked around the small nook and wondered why everything in a hospital was always beige. She tightened the purple rubber band around my arm and I felt a pinch from the rubber catching my arm hair. I looked up and away nonchalauntly when she pulled out the butterfly needle.

Having my blood drawn never bothered me but I also didn't want to stare at her poking into my skin. I kept my head cranked in the other direction facing away from the needle. I knew if I stared at it, it would feel more annoying than it already did. I was in the chair less than five minutes before she dismissed me and told me the doctor would call with my results.

She speculated it could be as soon as the afternoon, they had a slow day at the hospital.

***

When I got to work I saw Heather in the office, she looked up from her computer but I didn't acknowledge it. I kept walking to the timeclock. When I got in the kitchen I spun around and flipped her off before clocking in. I knew it was juvenile but it made me feel better.

I entered the infant classroom to cover for Kira's lunch and immediately picked up little willie. My Pooh Bear. I held his chubby little body in my arms as I scanned over the daily sheets to see if anyone needed a clean diaper or a bottle.

We kept a sheet with each child's name on the wall, and recorded their diaper changes and feedings. We had a policy at the center that each child in diapers be changed every two hours. Conveniently I saw Willie was due for a diaper within ten minutes so I took him over to the changing table.

He smiled up at me as I rubbed his belly and removed his pants. I let his sweet demeanor and the connection I had made with him, to build my confidence. "You still like me right willie?" I whispered and sighed "I've had a hard week. A hard month really, but you always make me smile sunshine"

Willie babbled in response and chewed on his fingers with his two front teeth that made him resemble a squirrel.

"You are my sunshine, my little sunshine" I began to sing quietly and his smile got bigger "You make me happy, on crappy days" he giggled and grabbed my finger, his hand moist with saliva.

I changed Maverick and Ellen, then Jacob and Luke. I sat on the floor with Luke and Ellen, letting them bring various books and toys up to me. They didn't hand them gently, they often threw whatever hard object they had at my face. "It's a good thing they are cute because they can be so rude," joked Alexis, the assistant teacher.

I nodded "It's interesting what humans do before they become self aware".

***

The day felt long and uneventful, I was relieved when 2:00 PM came around and I could go on lunch. I often drove down the road and parked by the beach. Eating my lunch and staring at the water. As I pulled into the parking lot my phone rang.