Find A Way

I Don't Want to Tell You

As I sit on the large, soft leather sofa, I allow the scent of cinnamon and apples to calm my nerves. I had arrived for my weekly Tuesday meeting with Dr. Carlson and allow him to take up the time talking about his visit with his mom. If he's talking that means I don't have to.

"She can be a bit overbearing, but I've learned to maneuver it, with many solid boundaries"

"Mmhmm" I mumble, trying to follow where the conversation had led us.

"It's what you have to do with your own mother" he says, leaning forward in his chair.

Now he had my attention. Anything to do with my mom, was certainly an attention grabber. However, I'm already feeling like my heart was kicked by a bear, so I attempt to shift the subject, I really don't feel like diving into those issues.

Although my mom had been sober for about ten years, and had done a lot of work on herself, it didn't negate her uncanny ability to manipulate me, and her ongoing emotional abuse.

"We were talking about your mom" I jest, "you said you went to visit her but you followed the statement with a heavy sigh" I felt like I was finally able to pick up on his tell, but I was almost definitely fooling myself.

"We were talking about my mom, but now I'm talking about yours. How has it been going? Trying to establish some boundaries?"

Ugh. Fine. Round one of deflection goes to you doctor...

"I don't really know how it's going, she asks me to visit a lot, more than I want to. I try to only say yes when I actually feel like it, but she knows just what to say and most of the time I end up caving and giving into her."

"With enough practice it will come more naturally, your mother will always try to push, and test those boundaries, it will be your job to say 'no' and put your own emotional well being first"

"Will it ever get easier? To say no?"

"It may, but that shouldn't be a deciding factor. No one is going to advocate for your wellness except you, that's why it's important to communicate your needs. If you're honest with her about your feelings, you'll be able to build a better, stronger, more genuine relationship with your mother"

"Yeah... maybe that will eventually happen" I chuckle and I see him give a small smile out of the corner of my eye. I kept my head down, trying not to look at him too much. When I look at him I tend to cave. Cave in and spill my soul.

I keep my gaze low and begin picking at my fingers again, attempting not to make them bleed.

"Is your mom the only thing on your mind?" He asks.

"What?"

"Is your mom the only thing on your mind? You still seem like you're burdened with something?"

My index finger is digging into my thumb and I know if I keep pushing I'll start bleeding. It will become evident the stress I'm trying to hide. I fight my temptation and push it back. Now I've got loose skin that's irritating me but I choose to continue to push it back to its place, pretending I wasn't tearing at it a second ago.

"I don't want you to be disappointed in me" I say plainly.

"Why would I be disappointed?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I just hate the thought".

"What have you ever done that I would find disappointing?"

I don't answer. I know I've backed myself into a corner, I don't know how I'll get out of this one. Could he just take that bit of honesty and run with it? Could we just leave it at that?