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10/08/2020
She couldn't do it.
She stood up at the podium, looking down on the crowd of people that were expecting her to talk, expecting her to say something that would make them feel better. But she couldn't. She couldn't think. She couldn't move. She couldn't do anything. Her forced, heavy breaths echoed through the microphone, her eyes scanning across the scene in front of her. The bright, smiling photo of her girlfriend staring up at her from beside the wooden casket at the front of the room.
The amount of people here was incredible. Each and every one of them touched by the beautiful girl that lay still in the coffin. Each and every one of them heartbroken that she would no longer walk this earth. What Lisa didn't know however, was how many people here were also heartbroken for her.
"I.. um" She started, every sound that came out of her mouth shaky. She had no idea what to say. She wanted to share so many memories, share how much she loved this girl, share all the positive things Chaeyoung did that brought light into her life. But her mind was blank. The only thing she could seem to think of was 'thats my girlfriend in that box'.
She still couldn't absorb it.
She absolutely hated herself right now. She just wanted to say something, anything... but she couldn't.
Her eyes found Jennie and Jisoo in the crowd, both of them holding one another. Jisoo was crying. Lisa has seen Jisoo cry once before and that was when Jennie said yes to her marriage proposal. So, seeing her cry today only made Lisa's heart heavier. It was heavy with grief, heavy with sorrow, heavy with guilt. Guilt, it had been eating away at her since the accident. She had made Chaeyoung stay behind for another round of sex. If she had just listened to her girlfriends initial protests and let her go to work at the time she wanted to leave, none of this would have happened.
It was her fault. Of course she couldn't help the fact that the car would come flying around the corner onto the footpath. But she could have changed the time that her girlfriend walked along that path.
"I... uh..I-I'm sorry I can't... I cant!" She takes a step backwards from the microphone, her legs feeling like they could give out from under her at any moment, and runs. She runs as fast as her weak legs could take her until she is out of the church doors and has disappeared into the little garden behind the church where she finally collapses. Lisa didn't even look back. What kind of person does that? What kind of person is so weak that they cant even speak at their girlfriends funeral?
The grass was soft, it would have been the most pleasant thing Lisa had felt for a while if her mind wasn't killing her right now. Her whole body was numb, painfully so. Tears ran down her face, only adding to how shit she was feeling.
She couldn't imagine herself living in a world where the love of her life doesn't exist.
