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Roses, sunflowers and lilies.
All three of Chaeyoungs favourite flowers in one small bouquet, tied up with a pretty little blue bow.
Lisa stood at the entrance to the cemetery, a small bouquet of flowers in one hand, and a copy of her favourite photo of the two in the other. She thought she would be more nervous being here. After all, this was her first time here. For months and months she had absolutely refused to set foot anywhere near here, terrified to face what she had done at the funeral. She had left. Left without saying her goodbye to the girl in the casket. But she wasn't nervous, instead she had more of an 'at home' feeling.
She was all bundled up in her winter gear, trying to protect herself from the harsh temperatures. In front of her feet at the entrance sat a pile of brown frosted leaves that she was sure would crunch underneath her shoes. Everything was silent, and it should have been eerie considering where she was, but there was nothing. There is no weather, no wind, no cloud. It was all very still. The path in front of her glistened, the ice crystals on the weary concrete making it seem like white quartz.
For such a usually unhappy place, everything looked so beautiful. It was like an illusion. Lisa pauses, her breath rising in visible puffs when she exhaled. The snow crunching under her boots all of a sudden made her wonder why she even bothered to bring flowers when they were just going to die anyways in the cool conditions. But, she hadn't forgotten why she was here, and that was what made her sure that these flowers would mean something. Lisa needed to talk to Chaeyoung. She needed to, this time, get it right.
Aisle 38, grave 16.
When she was younger, Lisa's house was only a street away from a cemetery. And she liked walking past it or through it on her way to town, it was quiet and peaceful. But, now she couldn't really say she felt the same. Lisa reached the aisle she was looking for and turned down it, reading the names on the graves as she passed them.
Meredith Sandoval
Jack Wood
Owen Carr
Lisa Hughes
Michael Nicholls
Derek Morton
Erica Thompson
Richard Cohen
Kelsie Velazquez
Lily-Anne Shepherd
Devonte Wynn
Akaash Good
Bethanie Broughton
Paula Marks
Ian Guevara
...
Chaeyoung Park
Lisa stopped, her eyes landing on the headstone that she had no part in designing or choosing. But, it was beautiful. Perfectly sculpted stone and marble, so simple yet so grand. It was perfect, from the colour to the font. The small quote on the back made Lisa tear up and smile. Years ago Chaeyoung had brought home a painting, with the quote 'Stay close to people who feel like sunshine,' so it was perfectly fitting that this was etched into her resting place forever. The little words on the front, just under her name read 'Our sunshine'.
A single tear rolled down her cheek as she placed the bouquet of flowers down next to the grave. "Hi Chaeng," she breathed, keeping her voice quiet as to not disturb other families visiting their loved ones. "I miss you." She felt oddly calm, wanting to cry, but not out of pain. She could see that Chaeyoung was peaceful here, she could feel it just by the way she was able to relax.
The air here was soft compared to the harsh chill that was touching her face earlier. It was all part of it. All of it added up to Lisa's belief that she was here and looking after her. "I'm sorry I haven't come to visit you yet. I just... I haven't been doing too well, baby. I've been awful. Sleeping around, drinking, yelling at my friends, pushing away the people that I love. But you know that already." Each word was shaky as Lisa's breath got caught in her throat.
"I'm so sorry." Tears brimmed her eyes, threatening to break free. "I'm sorry I couldn't say goodbye to you. I'm sorry I made you stay home with me a little longer that day. I'm sorry I haven't been strong enough to come and see you. And I'm sorry I've been such a terrible person. I haven't been making you proud... all I want to do is make you proud. But on the other hand all I want to do is end it all so I can see you again. The only thing stopping me is that I know out of those two options, you wouldn't want me to choose the second."
She sucked in a breath, willing her tears not to spill down her cheeks. "I want you to know that I'm trying. I really am. It's just going to take a little while... okay?"
She placed down the small photo frame, letting it lean against the front of the headstone. It was their favourite picture together. Both girls laughing, arms wrapped around each other, having fun. That photo has been on Lisa's bedside table for 2 years, her phone wallpaper, and now she was putting it on her girlfriends final resting place.
Placing that photo there, it felt like a piece of her heart had fallen back into its place.
"I'm ready now. I'm ready to make you proud. I'm ready to do the things that you would have wanted me to do. I..." she faltered, her heart aching of both pain and relief.
"I'm ready to let you go."
At least she was ready to try.
She felt warm. Warm and tired. She could feel the air around her change, wrapping her up and holding her so gently. She knew this touch, she had felt this emotion so many times before with only one person. Her person.
"I love you."
Lisa ran her fingertips along the marble one last time before walking away.
