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Another bottle gone. She could barely hold herself up. Unable to control her limbs, her mind and her senses. She was absolutely useless right now.
But tonight was different. The pain had not gone away. Her body couldn't function with this feeling inside of her. She wanted to tear her heart out of her chest, anything that would make it stop.
Lisa couldn't describe how she felt. She had tried, she tried writing it down, she tried telling it to herself in silence, but she couldn't. No pain she had ever been through compared to this. Not her parents kicking her out of the house at 16 and not even her mother telling her she didn't love her anymore because she was gay. This was something else entirely. Something that truely broke her.
She pulled her phone out of her pocket, ready to call the first slut she could. But she stopped only to lose herself looking at the photo that occupied her lock screen. Lisa's eyes glazed over as she glanced down at the smiling girl on her phone, a picture she couldn't bring herself to change.
"Fucking hell..." Lisa mumbled to herself as she locked her phone once again, shoving it into her back pocket and walking away from the kitchen bench. She stumbled forwards, running into the small cabinet next to the kitchen. A small bang and the sound of glass shattering caught Lisa's attention. She'd knocked over a photo.
"No no no no no..." the word 'no' kept pouring out of her mouth, over and over again as she scrambled in the dim light to pick up what she had just knocked off of the table.
"Fuck... no no please no" Lisa picked up the frame with an even heavier heart than earlier, and flipped it over to look at the damage she had caused. Her world went silent when she saw the shattered glass and broken frame. The little, constantly burning ball of anger in her stomach grew. The girls in the photo were happy, smiling with their arms around each other. It was hard to believe that this girl was Lisa only 1 year ago. So much had gone wrong.
Her chest began to tighten, the panic setting in and it was like the other muscles are trying not to let in another breath. That they would rather die. Lisa's mind was static, nothing making sense, memories flying through her head at a million miles an hour, memories she was not ready to open. Why did she hurt so much? How could her whole world just be gone? The person she loved more than love itself. Gone.
"FUCK!" She screamed out, her voice shrill and dangerous. The rage, bursts out, destroying her from the inside. She had not yet screamed like this. The final thread had finally been broken, allowing every single little thing to break free.
She could only see red. Her vision was blurry, the knot in her stomach came undone as she screamed. With a powerful jerk of her arm, Lisa threw the photo across the room, before turning around and flipping the small table. Glass scattered across the floor, slicing the her feet when she stood on them. But she couldn't feel it.
She turned around and kicked open her front door, running out into the street. Her feet were cut and bleeding, she was wearing nothing more than a large t shirt and shorts, plus she could barely think straight from the alcohol.
"AHHHHHHH" The scream punctured her lungs, burning her throat. She pulled out her phone and dialled one of the two people she knew she still loved.
"Lisa? Why are you calling me at 3am?" Jennie's voice rang clear on the other end of the line. Usually hearing Jennie's voice calmed Lisa. But not tonight.
"Do you know how fucking done I am with everything, Jen?" Lisa's voice cracked mid sentence, her tears streaming down her cheeks, smudging everything. "I just want it all to be over!"
"Lisa! What are you doing?" The worry was evident in the girls voice. She knew how lost her friend was right now, and she knew that Lisa wasn't in her right mind.
"I'm going for a walk. I-I can't do it anymore" Lisa choked on her words, her voice hazy and droopy from the affects of the liquor.
"Have you been drinking?" Jennie spoke loud and clear, but she was obviously rushing. Probably to get in her car to come find Lisa.
"What did I ever do? What did SHE ever do? For everything to turn out like this? Huh? If anyone deserved happiness and love, it was fucking her!" Lisa stumbled once more and fell to the ground, her phone clattering to the pavement.
"Lisa!? Lisa? Where are you?"
Lisa ignored her friends pleas. "How the fuck am I supposed to live without her?"
Jennie was quiet for a little while, taking in Lisa's words. "I don't know Lis, but we'll find a way. It will be okay!"
"It's not okay. I'm not okay. I will never be okay!" Lisa's breathing grew heavy as her heart pounded in her ears, the tears rolling down her cheeks were blocking her eyesight. "I don't want to be here without her anymore..."
"Lisa please... tell me where you are?!"
Lisa opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out as her head fell backwards and her vision went completely black.
