𝓹𝓸𝓻𝓬𝓮𝓵𝓪𝓲𝓷 𝓫𝓸𝔂 // 𝓷𝓮𝔀𝓽𝓶𝓪𝓼 𝓼𝓽𝓸𝓻𝔂 ✿

New Thomas

tw//suicide/self harm

( excessive in this chapter <3 ) 

For a second my world shatters. I don't feel myself breathing, or acknowledge the presence of Minho. I put my hands on the shack behind me to keep me upright. My brain is muddled. My ears ring, but my mind doesn't understand why.

Newt tried to kill himself.

The only boy I've ever loved tried to kill himself. He jumped from the wall. The image places a horrific ensemble of feelings within me. I clutch my stomach and double over. I feel Minho's hand on my back, but it's not really there. It's almost as if I'm viewing everything from afar, feeling pitiful for myself.

"Don't cry." I call out to this other Thomas.

Yet he doesn't listen.

"He didn't do it because of you." I remind him.

Still, my mind tells me this was all my fault. I sputter out more vomit and wipe my mouth subconsciously on my sleeve. I can't get the image of him atop the wall out of my head. He wants to die, because of me. And I didn't help!

The hatred I feel for this Thomas is immeasurable. He tried to kill Newt.

I sit on the ground and try to collect myself. I barely register the tears streaming down my face. He's hurt, because of me. Then the logistics kick in. He had to climb all the ivy. That must've been time consuming, and after all the time he had to contemplate what he was doing, he still wanted to when he got to the top. How did nobody notice him? Was he sitting there in pain for a long time at the bottom? Did he think twice before jumping. Think how it's because of me. Or did he just step off. Will I ever be able to look at him again, knowing that I could've prevented this. Maybe I just need to be glad he isn't dead. Maybe it would be better if he was, I would never have to face him.

I try to reach out and slap this new selfish Thomas, but instead I find my eyes fogging over with a gentle black. I gratefully succumb to it's numbness, where all the thoughts of Newt slip from my minuscule mind.