𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐰𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫 ; 𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗇𝗀𝗄𝗂 ✓

04

l: lilac for youthful innocence
𑁍

another thing kihyun was keen on finding out was why the boy in his dream would even go there. it wasn't seen that he actually jumped, but why would he go there having any different intention? he was going to jump. why else would he climb over the railing? the look in the boy's eyes, he seemed so desperate for his pain to finally end. kihyun himself has had hard times in his life before, but going this far? no. he would never, he just couldn't. wanting to end everything, wanting to leave just like that. leaving behind the people you love? the people that love you? your family and friends? why would you do that to them? and not only that, but the whole situation of someone wanting to take their own life, throwing away such a gift as if it's nothing. he could never understand why someone would ever want this. and especially due to his past, it was a very sensitive topic for kihyun anyways. one of his relatives actually took their own life.
it was his cousin, to be exact. they both had had a really good relationship. years back, when they were little, they would always play together and every two weeks they had sleepovers on saturdays. he was one of the few people kihyun was actually close to besides his friends minhyuk and hyunwoo. it was a long time ago and he was only a kid as it happened. he didn't remember clearly, but he believed he was around fourteen years old. his cousin was just turning seventeen, when it happened. only a few days after his birthday. it was completely unexpected. kihyun did not know about his cousin's state, so it hit him even harder. it was so sudden and the brown haired remembered that they had planned another sleepover for the weekend that very week too.

that was probably one of the times, kihyun felt at his worst. back then, hyunwoo and minhyuk were only his classmates. they were just starting to get to know each other better, so they weren't quite friends yet. his memory of that time was pretty clear. it was an immense hard time for him. and being a child with pretty much no friends, a brother busy studying all the time and parents who were caught up with work most of the time, it didn't make the situation any better. of course, his parents were there for him and all his other family members comforted him too, but all of them were broken. his cousin was loved by everyone and losing him just like that? it was a hard time for each of them. he couldn't even imagine the pain of his cousin's parents and siblings. and during this time, the least thing kihyun wanted was to bother any of them while they were suffering themselves. whenever he was with them, he tried to stay strong. he held himself back from crying and mostly tried refusing to talk about it. surely, his parents were worried about him because they knew how well the two of them came along and his mother even asked him one day if he wanted to talk to a therapist, telling him that by doing that, he'd be able to handle the loss better. he knew that they just wanted the best for him but talking to some complete stranger about how he lost his best friend? no. besides that, talking about such a traumatic experience just keeps bringing back memories and that was the least thing he needed. kihyun tried to forget since it seemed so much easier than remembering. can you imagine how hard it is losing someone so close to you in that way? and with kihyun having no friends, not talking to his parents or brother about it and simply not getting any kind of help, it was pretty much impossible to overcome all alone. so sometimes he honestly wondered how he actually managed it. and thinking back to this now, there were questions over questions building up he did not have answers to. he missed him a lot. his cousin would probably be the only one, he'd ever talk to about what was happening to him. kihyun knew that he would never judge him.

however, here too, he had such a feeling. he didn't know what it was, but there must've been something or someone that helped him cope, right? he couldn't possibly have made it through otherwise. people might say he's too dramatic but back then, it was so difficult for him. his cousin was someone he relied on, someone that was there for him when he didn't have anyone else and suddenly he wasn't anymore. and still, he could move on and that, he couldn't have done on his own. what or who helped him though, kihyun had no memory of that.

the brown haired surely noticed whenever he had such 'gaps' in his memories, almost like a small crack. it's like memories that just don't appear to be complete. for example, take the first day in the new school years ago. his family had moved again thanks to his father's job and everything was new to kihyun back then. from the first time he entered the school, he remembers the surroundings of the building, the classrooms, the big long halls and he clearly remembers the looks on the students' faces as they first saw him walking to class. it was very difficult for him to adjust to everything that was new, but he also knew not to let himself feel too welcome, because it wasn't going to take long until his father would get moved to another country with his work again and if he then was too attached to wherever he was staying, it would make things even more difficult and that was something he really wanted to stop from happening. but yeah, kihyun remembers that something has happened that day. it wasn't one of these usually monotone and boring days he used to have all week, because normally, kihyun did never really care too much about them moving. he never made any friends before and he always got the same stares whenever he first entered the new school, but here, it was different because out of some reason, he hated the thought of moving again. thankfully they didn't, but something made kihyun want to stay there. what it was though, that he had no memory of.

just like that, sometimes only small details are missing, which is completely normal, but other times, it's like a whole factor of the memory is missing.
it's weird to talk about it like that but that was literally how he felt. he does remember his childhood. he does remember his school and his home. he does remember specific days back when he was little, but something always seemed to be missing.
he remembered how hard the time for him was after the incident with his cousin. he remembered how the loss of his best and only friend affected him.
but kihyun also remembered how much support he got throughout those years. and not only from his family.

it usually never bothered him since he knew the reason, but by now he was really starting to lose his mind over it. see, they had a car accident once. thankfully no one got seriously hurt, but apparently kihyun hit his head and that was his explanation ever since. his parents had told him that the injury he got that day could affect some small parts of his ability to remember. it was an unfortunate but normal thing for him. just a simple consequence of a small accident a few years back. there was nothing wrong with that, right? and why would he ever consider that it wasn't true. why would he ever doubt what his parents had told him? what happened, that happened and no one could change it anymore.

the weird part is that he had no memory of any accident at all. he asked his parents multiple times about it, but they always told him the same story. what else would he expect? or why exactly would they make anything like that up? kihyun felt ridiculous just thinking about it in that way, so he wouldn't even bother. he doesn't remember how old he was when it happened, nontheless it didn't even matter. it wasn't the craziest experience in his life, so his mind must've automatically surpressed this memory. it wasn't a big accident, just bad luck. at least that's what they say. and why would kihyun be doubting that by any chance?