Begonias

Chapter Ten|Grocery Shopping

It was six PM, and everyone had finally moved all the furniture and boxes to their respective rooms. Dream stretched his arms above his head, hearing them pop and feeling them stretch.

They hadn't really unpacked much yet, per se. Most of the boxes were still taped up. Bad seemed to let it go, for now, thank God, instead opting to move on to 'more pressing matters'.

Bad Clapped loudly, getting the attention of the two stretching boys, watching as they turned to him, their expressions saying nothing less than 'aww shit, here we go again'.

"Our fridge is empty, and we can only eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for so long.." He smiled and put his hands on his hips. "So it's time to go grocery shopping!"

Sapnap immediately nominated Dream to go with Bad, lying and saying he'd unpack more while they were gone. Bad rolled his eyes before asking Dream with only his expression if it was okay with him, to which Dream nodded.

Dream ended up being the one to drive because Bad didn't know how to drive a stick shift. However, Bad was really polite about both of them hearing music they liked over Bluetooth, asking Dream every couple of minutes if there was a song he wanted to hear.

Dream was smiling while the other boy vibed, Bad eventually becoming enthusiastic enough in his singing to convince Dream to sing along, and Dream knew their semi-decent duet would be stuck in his head for hours.

Dream's initial worry was that they hadn't bothered with a list, but then, as he and Bad wandered the isles, he realized that it was pretty easy to just pick up anything they felt like they could need.

Dream had always been scolded for under preparing as a kid, so this was a pleasant change. It felt good to just go with the flow.

Plus, it was fun for Dream to see how much unhealthy food Dream could put into the cart before Bad noticed and made him put it back, always ending with them both laughing hard.

It took a while before they got to the counter where they would pay, but Dream couldn't care less. The two-hour shopping trip felt like half an hour, with how much he was smiling and laughing.

The way they had situated paying for groceries was easy. Every week, they would each surrender fifty dollars for groceries, and if there was any extra money, it would go into next week's groceries.

They forgot to ask Sapnap for his share of the money, so Dream just decided he'd pay it, despite Bad's continuous complaints about how it would probably be four hundred dollars for how much they got.

Most of the things they grabbed were the general cold items that wouldn't have survived the journey through the Texas heat, like milk, cheese, meats, and vegetables. Dream was proud to say that Ice Cream was also added to the list, snuck right under Bad's nose.

As they loaded up the backseat and trunk of Dreams car, he couldn't help but watch Bad's expression. He was just so... Genuine. So easy to read, like an interesting book.

Bad fanned his face, complaining about the heat, but you could tell it was half-hearted. He seemed content with this new life, glad to be living with people that he cared about, people that made him smile without even trying.

As they climbed back into the car, Dream kept seeing how happy Bad seemed, over and over in his head. It made him happy to see his friend happy, but he didn't realize the frown that slipped into his face.

Sometimes, when he was lost in thought, Dream would think of mind-bending phycological questions to ask himself; It would give him something to think about.

He found himself thinking back to a question he asked himself while he was in his sophomore year of high school. Back when he was still a little fool.

When someone has depression, does everything just feel duller? Would someone with depression feel happiness and sadness in a completely different way than others?

Before he started to take antidepressants, getting up in the morning took serious effort. When he woke up, there were no good mornings. Just miserable feelings, and an endless loop of self-hate.

Even if he did have a good day, he never saw his own smile as bright as any of his friend's smiles. So he'd fake it. He'd make himself seem happier then he was.

His phycologist told him it was a way of him protecting others from the way he felt inside, and he believed her. She knew more about mental health than Dream probably ever would.

But eventually, the line between his real and fake smiles blurred, until he couldn't even tell what was real or what wasn't.

So, will he ever, truly, feel happiness in the same way his friends do? Would he ever be able to smile just as wide, laugh just as loud, and actually do it without extra effort?

He had no idea. His ignorance was terrifying to him sometimes, but he didn't know the answer to that question. So he guessed he'd probably just have to learn through experience.

A song he could deeply relate to at the moment started playing, and he had a feeling that Bad was snooping through his playlists as Dream reached over to turn it up a bit.

Maybe he would never be as happy as anyone else, but Dream would sooner take an L than stop trying just because he was dying.

He would live the rest of his life to the fullest. He'd convince the others to go cliff diving, sky diving, bungee jumping, to go on a roller coaster repeatedly until they vomited, bake a pie, eat dinner with his favorite people, and maybe, just maybe, he could... Come out to them.

Dream hummed the tune as his mind wandered, oblivious to the worry on Bad's face.