CRITIQUE 2020 [TEMPORARILY CLOSE]

𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙾𝙽𝙻𝚈 𝙶𝚄𝚈 𝙷𝙴𝚁 𝙴𝚈𝙴𝚂 𝚂𝙴𝙴 by undeniablyeunoia

𝗧𝗜𝗧𝗟𝗘:

The title is interesting. Pagkabasa ko pa lang ng title ay napapaisip na ako kung sino yung guy na tinutukoy niya sa kwento.  All I could say is, good job with this part.

𝗕𝗢𝗢𝗞 𝗖𝗢𝗩𝗘𝗥:

The book cover was amazing. Ang ganda ng pagkakagawa. Malinis tignan at hindi masakit sa mata.  Parang isang english novel na maraming gustong sabihin. Yung pagkatingin mo pa lang sa book cover eh ang dami mo nang aasahan sa nilalaman nito. Another great job🥰

𝗗𝗘𝗦𝗖𝗥𝗜𝗣𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡:

The description was not that poweful for me. Sa blurb/description pa lang, parang alam mo na yung buong kwento. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay alam ko na ang magiging laman ng libro mo base pa lang sa description. And that didn't give me chills. Maybe try to revise it. And don't  forget about the grammars. Importante iyon when it comes to writing. If it's okay for you, why not try considering this one:

Instead of
"Love is an  "intense feeling of deep affection."

Artemis know what love means.  But, she afraid to feel it--- and overall, she's just pure dense about it.

After meeting 3 guys and 1 gay. She found herself starts having a feeling  for one of them. Who will be the guy her eyes can only see?" 

Why don't you try:
"Artemis is aware of the word 'love' and how can it affect the emotion once it made its way to the heart. That is why, she's afraid to feel it.

However, after meeting  four guys in an unexpected situation, love finds itself in a pretty complicated situation. As they say  'love comes in an unexpected way', she found herself getting her heart stuck  between  the four.
Among the four, who will be the guy her eyes belongs to?"

(pero it's  up yo you po if you're  going to change it or not. I respect your desicion.)

𝗢𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗔𝗟𝗟:

▪

︎Prologue pa lang ay pakiramdam ko na kung sino ang makakatuluyan ni Artemis kasi naka-focus na yung story mo sa dalawang characters lang. May hints na kasi kaagad since you already mention Artemis and Peter's closeness and relationship from childhood🤗. And I suggest if you present the other guys sana na makikilala rin niya para mas mahirapan yung readers na alamin  kung sino ba ang makakatuluyan ng ating MC. Kasi, the way you presented Peter and Artemis, it was already a sign, for me, na parang sila ang magkakatuluyan.

▪︎Second, grammar is still one of your mistakes (and mistakes of most writers) but I understand since pati ako ay marami ring grammatical errors. Lalo na ang grammar sa Filipino/Tagalog language. Doon din ako nahihirapan since walang grammar checker for tagalog language sa laptop. Magandang pag-aralan din iyon. (For example, "makakalipad", mas tamang gamitin ang salitang "makalilipad"). I believe in you naman author na you'll work it out. (please don't bash).

▪︎Third, don't forget the difference between mag-ina (refers to mother and her child) to mag-asawa (refering to husband and wife). May mga words din na kailangan mong palitan. Like the sentence "broke the hug" to "let go of the hug."
Tapos, instead of
"Ma, kailan po sila lilipad?", mas okay kung "Ma, kailan po sila aalis ng bansa?"

▪︎Fourth, your story is cute. Kung tutuusin, iilan lang kasi ang mga stories na nababasa ko patungkol sa mga bakla na characters kaya medyo naninibago ako sa actions ni Peter. However, fear not dahil nagustuhan ko ang kwento mo. Super school life talaga at medyo naka-relate ako kay Artemis kasi naging part na rin ako ng school's organization (hindi SSG but same like it) and your story made me miss writing stories that focuses on students.

▪︎Fifth, maganda ang kwento. Nag-rnjoy ako sa pagbabasa. Dagdagan mo pa ng comedy parts. Nakulangan lang ako sa nakakatawang parts niya. Just try to reduce describing the part where you tell what the character is doing. Maganda rin kung medyo dagdagan mo ng mga gay languages since may bakla kang character (pero okay lang kahit wala kasi naalala ko, sa america pala lumaki si Peter). Maybe, try to build up your other characters, no? Lalo na't apat na lalake ang mga kasama ni Artemis, base na rin sa description na ginawa mo. Napansin ko kasing marami-raming chapters na kay Artemis at Peter lang naka-focus yung kwento mo and if I would be one of your characters, malulungkot ako kasi wala akong gaanong linya.

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Since you're story is still on-going, sana ay matapos mo ang kwento at sana hindi ka magalit sa mga sinabi namin😅 #NoHateJustLove lang tayo🥰

PS.
Hindi po kami ganoong kagalingan when it comes to writing kasi we still have errors and mess in our own works. But we hope that this shop was able to help you improve in writing. Thank you for trusting this shop.

PPS.
undeniablyeunoia You can invite your friends to try our shop.