CRITIQUE 2020 [TEMPORARILY CLOSE]

A little braver by amarANNEth

TITLE:

Hindi mo na kailangang palitan yung title mo since maganda na siya at related talaga ang title, description, at overall ng story mo. Sa title pa lang kasi, alam ko nang medyo mabigat ang story mo, but I was thrilled by it kaya super yay! kasi maganda na.

Nakaka-curious at nakahahatak ng attention ang iyong title kaya super na-excite akong simulan ang iyong story.

Kaya, congrats author for making a good title (feeling ko po kasi hasang-hasa na kayo sa pagsusulat) 😊

BOOK COVER:

Maayos naman na tignan ang iyong book cover. Related siya sa story since it all started at the park (on that swing) when both characters met each other. Pero, namention mo kasi sa synopsis na "Can they both at least be a little braver?" Ibig sabihin ay dalawa sila.
Ang sa akin, kung kaya lang, pwede niyo po bang subukan na dalawang characters? Yung makikita rin yung lalakeng character kasi feeling ko maganda rin yun kung present siya sa book cover.

But, it's okay kung hindi mo na lang papalitan. Just like what I said earlier, maayos na yung book cover mo.

DESCRIPTION:

This is the definition of a catchy description.

Sa totoo lang, nagustuhan kong unique yung minention mong trabaho ng lalake: "toy manufacturer". Hindi kasi gaanong popular ang toy manufacturer at ngayon lang ako nakabasa ng toy manufacturer na MC.

Then, I appreciated how I was able to relate with your chatacters (just by reading the description) since may similarities ang iyong MCs sa mga MCs ko on one of my stories (sher ko lang 😅😂).

Basta, maganda ang pakakasulat ng iyong description. Hindi na kailangang palitan, for me, but if you are planning to revise it, why not?

And all I can say with the description is, good job author!

OVERALL:

▪︎First, napansin ko po yung mga slight errors ng iyong story.

Isa po sa mga tinuro saamin during our seminars for DSPCs, RSPCs, and other seminars for writing purposes, kung nag-end po siya ng vowel (a, e, i, o, u), kadalasan po kasing "r" ang ginagamit. Kaya imbes po sana na "pumunta doon", you can edit it to "pumunta roon".

Isa ring minention ng teacher namin na may mga tagalog words daw na nakasanayan na nating sabihin/isulat pero mali pala. Like this word po, "pinapatahan". Pero ang tama po talaga ay "pinatatahan" kasi ang dapat na ulitin (base na rin po sa aking teacher) ay yung words ng salitang ugat po.

Instead of: "-ng mga paa niya" pwede niyo pong i-revise into "-ng kaniyang mga paa".

▪︎Second, may mga parts na medyo na-bored akong basahin? I'm not saying naman po na boring yung kwento po ninyo, pero masyado lang po sigurong mahahaba yung chapters kaya habang patagal ng patagal yung story, parang nawawala yung sparks ng pagbabasa ko.

But, that is only my opinion kasi knowing your story, mukhang marami po talagang tumatangkilik ng iyong kwento at halata pong nasisiyahan sila. Kaya, don't let my opinion get into your way.

You don't need to remove some parts if you're not comfortable removing any. I respect your decision since it is your story and you own it.

▪︎Third, I am so happy kasi maayos ang pagkakasulat ng iyong kwento. Despite the tiny errors in some of the parts, and the lengthy chapters, I am so happy dahil wala akong masyadong naging problema sa kwento mo.

I am fond of tragic stories (kung papansinin niyo po ang stories ko, then you'll know how I love making my characters cry). Yung sobrang iyakan, awayan, tampuhan. EVERYTHING. But reading your story, giving it a tragic ending won't give you justice. Kaya, masaya po ako sa naging ending ng iyong kwento.

I already expected the ending but at least, it really made me happy for your characters (spoiler alert na po ba?)

Wala akong gaanong naging problema noong binasa ko yung kwento mo. Congrats with your story and keep on writing, dear author.

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@amarANNEth thank you for trusting our shop! I hope we somewhat gave you some good advices for you to reflect upon. And if you have friends that might as well be interested, please invite them po😊.
It would be of much help to let our shop grow.

PS: If you have complains about the critique, please please please message us instantly and we'll deal with your hinaing privately. Again, thank you for trusting our shop!

PPS: Sorry kung natagalan. Been busy with a lot of stuffs lately. Sana mapatawad niyo ako😭🧡