CRITIQUE 2020 [TEMPORARILY CLOSE]

𝚃𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝙶𝚘𝚕𝚍𝚎𝚗 by aryanpel

𝗧𝗜𝗧𝗟𝗘:

Okay so yung title for me is a bit catchy and a bit transparent kasi siyempre, you can already get the hint na "tungkol ito sa buhay pag-ibig" pero after reading the description, medyo nakuha niya yung interest ko kasi opposite yung topic nila– both revolves on love pero nagmukhang pros and cons ang naging dating between the title and description kaya mas nagkaroon ako ng interest na basahin yung story mo.

I would also like to suggest sana na patanong yung title like

▪︎IS THIS LOVE GOLDEN?

▪︎WILL IT BE WORTH IT?

▪︎SLIP AWAY?

Pero we would respect your choice if you would take our suggention or not po kasi siyempre, it is your story.

𝗕𝗢𝗢𝗞𝗖𝗢𝗩𝗘𝗥:

Yes, malinis po ang book cover. The font is well chosen as well as the font color and the background itself pero upon reading the description, ive come to realize na about pala sa more mature type of intimacy ang kwento that is why for me, hindi po pang mag asawa ang napili mong background cover. Pero noong di ko pa po nabasa ang description, ang dating saakin ng book cover is something like a teen love na parang dancers sila kasi yung picture, parang yung vibe is for teen fiction dance love story.

𝗗𝗘𝗦𝗖𝗥𝗜𝗣𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡:

Wala akong problema sa description kasi po well written ito. Although you put some spoilers there, it is still okay kasi siyempre, ang mas naging topic na niya is "how far can they hold" or "is she willing to take another chance to risk?" and that is something na makaka captivate talaga ng readers.

𝗢𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗔𝗟𝗟:

•First, may nakikita po akong typos sa story niyo, may parts din na mali ang pagkakalagay mo sa mga comma na pwede naman pong kahit hindi, or period po.

Here are the typos I've seen:

Nagugol siya ng kalahating oras... can be GINUGOL NIYA ANG KANIYANG ORAS or HALOS KALAHATING ORAS ANG KANIYANG GINUGOL

Paglalaruin ko lang ng saranggola itong mga bata... pwede naman pong GUSTO KASI NG MGA BATANG MAGLARO KAYA... somethinv like that kasi mas okay siya pakinggan (for me)

Maglipad po itong saranggola mamaya.... can be MA! EXCITED NA AKONG PALIPARIN ITONG SARANGGOLA or MAMA SUSUBUKAN NAMIN ANG SARANGGOLANG GAWA NI PAPA.

May bahid ng ngiti?... mas okay po sana if MAY BAHID NG KALIGAYAHAN ANG KANIYANG MUKHA DAHIL SA NGITING NAKAUKIT SA KANIYANG LABI.

Nagguhit po ako... can be MAY GINUHIT.

Nagkwento lang kami ni mama... pwede naman pong NAGKWENTUHAN..

Siguro'y naulan dito... pwede naman pong PANIGURADONG UMULAN DITO

Isang kilo ng baywang?... BAWANG na lang po hehe. Medyo nalito ako doon e

Hindi iyon nadinig ang kaniyang dasal.... can be HINDI NADINIG ANG KANIYANG DASAL or SUBALIT ALAM NIYANG MALABO NA ITONG MANGYARI.

Naoover use mo rin po yung word na SINGHAP

•Second, i really appreciate how you play with words. Lalo na po at medyo may mga malalalim na words kayong nababanggit sa story, napapangiti po ako actually kasi gamay niyo po ang wikang Filipino. Ako kasi medyo awkward ako magtagalog pero sa inyo po hindi e. Pero kahit na hasa niyo na po ang language, that doesn't mean po na hasang-hasa na din po kayo sa grammars kasi like i said, I've seen some typos.

Medyo masakit lang din po kasi yung part na mahal niya si Rosalinda pero bakit po niya pinakasalan si Dulce kung nabanggit po doon na hindi naman po pala niya magawang mahalin si Dulce? I think this can really catch the emotion of your readers that makes it interesting po.

Third, despite the mistakes you've made there, the story is not complicated to read dahil 99% of your story setting is sa bahay lang, kaunti lang din ang appearances nina Rosalinda and Lazaro as well as Dill and Dolly (the twins). Pero even if your story had run smoothly and it didn't have much of the expected complications (i actually expected a bit na may mangyayaring face to face kay Dulce at Rosalinda) your story is really inconsistent. Yes, the story had a wonderful scene to begin with but, the longer i dug deeper into my own curiosity to what will happen next, the more na parang nawawala na yung "spark" sa story mo. Yes, may mga scenes in every chapter na maganda pero, parang mapapaisip ka din na "what's taking this so long?" Not because im bored of reading it, actually i did enjoy your story pero yun nga, inconsistent ang intensity ng story niyo. If this somewhat made you feel uncomfortable, please don't hesistate to message me po.

@aryanpel Thank you for trusting our shop! I hope we somewhat gave you some good advices for you to reflect upon. And if you have friends that might as well be interested, please invite them po😊. It would be of much help to let our shop grow.

PS: If you have complains about the critique, please please please message us instantly and we'll deal with your hinaing privately. Again, thank you for trusting our shop!

PPS: May iba po ba kayong dialect? Please let me know😅