CRITIQUE 2020 [TEMPORARILY CLOSE]

when a pilot fell in love by MiiGwennix

𝗧𝗜𝗧𝗟𝗘:

Okay so, wala naman na po akong problema sa title kasi makukuha mo  na talaga ang topic ng story pero siyempre, madami parin sigurong mag-iisip na lalaki ang piloto pero babae pala.

Nevertheless, I would also like to suggest some title ideas that you could think about.

▪︎A PILOT'S LOVE▪︎

▪︎WHAT'S ON A PILOT'S LIST▪︎

▪︎FLY HIGH▪︎

▪︎SAFE TRIP TO HIS HEART▪︎

I know my suggestions can be a but cringy but trust me, it kinda pinch someone's heart. If you would change your mind and take our suggestions into consideration,please give us credit, but we also understand if you'd prefer staying on your own taste of title.

𝗕𝗢𝗢𝗞𝗖𝗢𝗩𝗘𝗥:

I  don't know if we just have different taste in book cover styles pero for my own opinion, the previous book cover you had which is the blue one 🔻🔻🔻 is way better than the cover you're already using.

Yes, i know you may have changed your cover because from your eyes this pink colored cover is prettier but, IT IS JUST MY OPINION. The book cover (blue one) may have one font and a consistent blue color, it is better po sana kung medyo pinaliit niyo na lang yung font if you think it is a bit suffocating kasi itong new cover mo, decorative nga pero medyo di mo po mabasa yung "PILOT FELL". Althoigh mas appropriate naman yung background photo na ginamit dito sa pink cover mo, i suggest nalang na try to discover more consistent font that would complement the backround photo. And PLEASE, lakihan mo po yung username mo kasi siyempre, that is YOUR STORY and it would be better if you enlarge your un kasi kung gaano kaliit yung un mo sa blue book cover mo, mas maliit nanaman po ang nasa recent cover mo, masyado rin pong mataas.

𝗗𝗘𝗦𝗖𝗥𝗜𝗣𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡:

Wala na rin po sana akong problema sa description kasi wala naman pong grammatical errors and/or wrong spellings and you've made clear of your main point of the story kaso, medyo plain po yung description niyo. Kumbaga, dry. Pero I'm not saying its boring or your eeaders won't be interested. What im just trying to point out po is parang wala ka man lang ganoong mafefeel na intense sa description, yung mapapa sabi kang "Wow!" Kasi just by saying that, you already know that you've captivated your readers attention.

And because of that, I suggest this kind of description sana.

Gabriella Alvamro, isang pilotong walang hinangad kundi ang kapakanan ng daan-daang indibidwal na kaniyang isasakay sa kaniyang eroplano, habang si Benedict Corazon naman ay isang marangal na guro na ang tanging hangad rin ay magbigay inspirasyon sa kaniyang mga estudyante na tinatawag na "pag-asa" ng bayan.

Sa harap ng napakaraming gawain ay naglaan ang tadhana ng pagkakataon upang ang kanilang landas ay magtagpo. Subalit ang pagtatagpo bang ito'y mag-uuwi ng matamis na tadhana? O tanging landas lamang ang pinagtagpo pero hindi sila tadhana?

If you somehow feel like taking this description into consideration, please message us first po. If you feel off or something like offended in our critique, please message us directly as well and tell us your reasons po so that we'll reconsider our critiques as well.

𝗢𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗔𝗟𝗟:

▪︎Sa prologue mo pa lang po, may napansin na po akong errors. The way you've written your story in TAGLISH as the medium is a bit awkward kasi while reading it po, kung saan po kayo gumamit ng tagalog ay hindi niya po kino-complement yung pag switch ninyo sa english form.

Another is that, I've noticed that the Pilot is panicking. Base on what I've read to other novels/short stories and sa mga napapanood na rin, a pilot should never panic kasi nakasalalay sa kanila ang buhay ng passengers nila. Also, bakit siya po ang nagsabi na "please wear your seatbelts"??? From what I know, may mga flight stewardess po tayo on air and on land kaya medyo nagtaka po ako sa part na iyon. At isa pa po, isn't it a bit appropriate kung sinabi na lang doon na "please fasten your seatbelt?" And as the pilot and definitely NOT the co-pilot, she should be only commanding sa plane na pinapalipad niya. She is as well lose hope which is, hindi ba iyon ang pinag-aaralan ng mga piloto na hangga't hindi pa bumabagsak ang eroplano ay gawin muna nila lahat ng makakaya nila to save their passengers? Bakit siya agad pinanghinaan ng loob? Depende lang siguro kung shooting lang ito sa pelikula? I don't know yet.

Also, awykward din po yung part na "THEN 3...2....1" di po ba much better if tanggalin na lang po iyon?

Again, JUST MY OPINION.

▪︎Second, ERRORS like:

Yung si Jessica... (SI JESSICA)

Hold tightly my arm.... (GRIP MY ARM TIGHTLY)

Nataba ka ah... (MUKHANG TUMABA or TUMABA KA ATA)

And still, may mga comma, periods at wrong spelling pa po sa story mo.

  ▪︎third, I would like to ask if hindi po ba masyadong mahaba ang 80+ na chapters in one book? Isn't it better kung nag part two na lang kayo? Either way, it is you're choice naman po and nagfofocus na po ata kayo sa new story ninyo. Also, I would like to point out about doon na conversation ni Kevin at Gabbie sa chapter 3? I am just thinking n since they're already professionals, why not create a concersation na ramdam naman po ang pagka professional nila lalo na kay Gabbie? Yun po kasing pag respond niya doon ay parang napaka millenial na parang sixteen years old palang siya kung makipag usap online.

▪︎fourth, despite the flaws of the story, okay naman po ang book ninyo pero like I said,  please do make some editing para mas maging maayos po yung story ninyo. I would also like to congratulate you for coming up with a story like this, keep it and never lose hope!

PS: MiiGwennix thanknyou for trusting our shop! Sorry if it took a bit long kasi we are busy with some personal matters and yung haba din po kasi ng book ninyo.

PPS: If you somewhat felt bad or we may have hurt your feelings in any way, please don't hesitate to message us directly for us to talk about it privately. If this had helped you in any way, please let us know. And if you would take our title and description suggestion, please let us know and give us a shoutout of your story. That would be of great help!