CRITIQUE 2020 [TEMPORARILY CLOSE]

𝙲𝚕𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚎: 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚄𝚗𝚝𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝙾𝚗𝚎 by Zenaku_Tora

𝗧𝗜𝗧𝗟𝗘:

The title is related to the story which is a good thing, however, hindi gaanong interesting or powerful ang story title mo po. Just by reading the story title itself, I predicted that your story is fantasy with a touch of mystery/thriller vibe or something that is not related to action. The action genre is the last thing that comes in my mind.

Parang nakukulangan po ako sa dating ng inyong title since your story is an action novel. Hindi ko po talaga maramdamang action talaga (sana hindi po kayo magalit since it's just my opinion po😁😅).

But I listed some of the title ideas na balak ko pong i-suggest sa inyo na related po sa inyong story:

A DEADLY CLANDESTINE
WRATH AGAINST CLANDESTINE
THE UNTOLD SECRET OF A BADASS
THE SECRET BADASS' LIES
UNFOLDING SECRETS AND LIES
KNOWING CLANDESTINE

na maaari niyo pong gamitin or hindi po because I will respect your decision if you'll stay with the original title kasi it will be always up to you, my dear author, kung mas kumportable po kayo sa inyong title.

Nevertheless, interesting ang story title mo dahil napapaisip talaga ako sa kung ano kaya yung clandestine na tinutukoy at kung lihim ba na iyon ay mare-reveal in a bad way, in a good way, or into something na hindi ko talaga ine-expect.

Good job author👌

𝗕𝗢𝗢𝗞 𝗖𝗢𝗩𝗘𝗥:

(Nauna ko na kasing na-critique yung first bc mo and since lately ko lang napansin na pinalitan mo pala, inibahan ko po yung critique kaya sorry po kung medyo natagalan)

The bookcover is okay since wala po akong problema sa ginamit na fonts tsaka okay naman po yung style kasi may pang action vibe naman. Pero may kaunting problema lang akong napansin sa bc lalong-lalo na po sa font colors. I like the way you played with the fonts but the colors used didn't match with the background. Hindi po gaanong mabasa yung "THE UNTOLD ONE".

Maganda po ang napili mong angle portraits and sakto naman po ang color ng background ang kaso, hindi ko po bet yung saturation ng mukha ng portraits mo. Since yung bidang babae ay kilalang "batas" ng campus, ibig sabihin po ay matapang siya but because of the port used in your bc, parang masyado naman po siyang malungkot para maging matapang na babae. Maybe because of my phone? Please let me know kasi baka nasa phone po ang problema.😅

𝗗𝗘𝗦𝗖𝗥𝗜𝗣𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡:

Maganda ang synopsis/description mo pero parang ang dull lang? Yung feeling na hindi ko maramdaman yung action na pinahihiwatig nung synopsis. Para mo na rin pong sinabi yung buong kwento tapos ang goal na lang ng story mo po ay ang ma-reveal yung "clandestine/lihim" since minention niyo na po na "Everything she has will be in vain and new people she never expect will enter her life and will bring her unexpected pain."

Because of it, you can also try my suggestion po to shorten and to bring life to your synopsis. Here it is po:

(Okay na po yung simula ng synopsis niyo)

"But one mission is all it takes to change the life she once thought to be perfect.

Will everything she had will be in vain and will the people she meet on the road of reality are destined to bring her pain?

Will she accomplish her mission or will this mission bring her to the pit of her greatest downfall as her Clandestine will be known?

"How much can you give to keep your clandestine untold?" -unknown"

𝗢𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗔𝗟𝗟:

▪︎First, okay naman ang grammar mo sa iyong prologue. Slight lang yung mga napapansin kong mali. However, ang akin lang, parang ang awkward nang pagkagamit mo ng english sa pag-describe sa nangyari. Parang nahirapan kang i-explain ng mas maayos yung nangyayari sa kwento. Parang kulang yung emotion sa part na ito kasi hindi ko talaga siya ma-feel. Parang di po ako kumportable kaya siguro hindi ko gaanong maramdaman yung prologue.

Kung okay lang, pwede bang subukan mong gawin na lang tagalog yung prologue mo? Try niyo lang po then message us kung sinubukan ninyo then let's compare kung anong mas better: yung english or yung tagalog po. Pero still, it's up to you po my dear author kung stay ka po sa original prologue. We won't go against your decision kung kumportable na po kayo sa prologue po na nagawa ninyo.

▪︎Second, napansin ko pong umiikot ang inyong story hindi lang sa iisang tauhan kung 'di marami sila which is a good thing dahil kahit papaano po ay naipapakita yung side ng ibang characters sa kung ano ang ginagawa nila at sa kung ano ang role nila sa buhay ng MC. But for me po, giving POV's to each and everyone of your characters don't really work out for me. Why? Kasi naguguluhan po ako sa napakaraming characters na may kani-kaniyang POV. Dahil po doon ay parang masgugustuhin ko pong mag-focus na lang sa MC kasi siya naman talaga yung kailangang pagtuunan ng pansin.

When I started writing, marami din akong characters and I always put a lot of effort to provide POV's for each and everyone of them para lahat sila ay may contribution sa story. But then, narealize ko po na ang hirap mag-provide ng parts para sa isang character kaya nagdesisyon akong subukan ang iabng wriring styles.

I also suggest po na subukan niyo po sanang gawin na lang 3rd person's POV yung buong kwento. In that way po, hindi niyo na po kailangang maglagay ng napakaraming POV. Para po kasi sa akin ay mas maayos po ang flow ng kwento kapag 3rd person's POV po at mas malawak ng scope ng narrator ng kwento kasi kung maglalagay ka po ng "MC' s POV", "UNKNOWN's POV", at "3RD PERSON'S POV" maguguluhan lang po yung readers.

▪︎Third, maganda naman ang kwento. Nafi-feel ko naman yung attitude ng MC. Ang problema lang is the way she treated her teacher. The faculty members impose proper discipline in the campus since the school seems prestigious and stuffs however, she's too much. And napaisip na lang ako na "Kung kaya naman pala niyang disiplinahin ang kapuwa niya estudyante, since kilala siya bilang batas ng paaralan, at kung ayaw niya sa mga bagong teachers, bakit hindi na lang siya ang magturo?"

At least, make her a bit good. Kasi there are bad guys in stories that has a soft spot also. And sometimes, may mga reader din kasi na ginagaya talaga nila yung nasa books.

But still, good job on your story dahil maganda ang iyong kwento. Keep on writing po

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PPS.
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